Also from Ed Uncovered: 6 Ways to Make Twitter More Exciting This Year
Twitter. Comedians. Two words which have perfectly pleasant connotations on their own. Combine them however and you create a monster that requires a constant stream of RTs and Favstars to justify its attention-whoring existence.
There’s something deeply wrong with Twitter comedians. They know it. We know it. The whole world knows it. Yet still we follow them. Why? Because every now and then they’ll nail it, encapsulating everything we’ve ever wanted to say in 140 characters.
Stay funny, bitchez
This article was supposed to happen a year ago. That’s when Allana created the cool photos that accompany it. Then I gave up after most of the people on my shortlist committed the worst crime a Twitter comedian can commit – trying too hard.
Twitter People Who Have Made it Onto This List: Don’t force the humour. Just keep doing what you’re doing and we’ll love you forevermore, or at least until someone funnier comes along. It’s a fickle business, Twitter.
Alex Baze is the head writer for Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update. I’ve never seen Weekend Update because it’s on TV and I’m on the internet, but if the show’s anything like his tweets, it’s flab-free and razor-sharp.
As I understand it, "swag" is the kind of confidence you have to tell everybody you have.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 26, 2013
Making fun of someone's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you're standing a little further down the tracks.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 6, 2013
Do all Twitter comedians write for Saturday Night Live? Sarah Beattie is an SNL writer who lives in Hawaii – the sort of useless titbit that adds absolutely nothing to this conversation. For all I care, Sarah can live in an igloo in the North Pole (a wifi-enabled igloo of course) so long as she keeps churning out unpunctuated pearls of hilarity.
that kid at the public pool who kept screaming at his mom to watch him jump in grew up to be a blogger
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) August 16, 2013
Pron Kween tweets genuine porn clips with hilariously bad titles. (Disclosure: it’s my own creation, so show it some love.) The recently-launched account promises porn that’s too funny to fap to – but don’t let that stop you from trying.
Blonde Enjoys Some Cum On Pussy In A Living Room http://t.co/h6QV096IKW— Pron Kween (@pronkween) January 7, 2014
Because I can't fap to porn that's shot in the kitchen
Rob Fee is a writer and comedian, which probably explains why he spends so much time on Twitter, writing and being a comedian. Anyone can call themselves a Twitter comedian, but few can be this funny this consistently.
I’d rather be in a human centipede than a group text.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 7, 2013
I never use the phone function on my camera.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) September 15, 2013
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) September 20, 2013
You should be allowed to have a couple drinks during an abortion.
— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) October 4, 2013
Rules For Becoming An Anarchist: 1.
— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) October 2, 2013
Molly McNearney is the head writer on Jimmy Kimmel Live. She’s also now married to Jimmy Kimmel. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Should they ever split up, Jimmy Kimmel’s show will be half as funny. He’ll also be half as rich.
I bet Mariah Carey does everything like her nails are wet.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) September 14, 2013
I'd rather be alone than part of a couple that shares an email address.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) October 7, 2013
Is it possible to be famous for being funny on Twitter? Yes if your name’s Megan Amram. Since becoming A Thing on Twitter, Megan’s gone on to write for the Oscars and Disney’s A.N.T Farm. Eschewing the ditzy routine favoured by many Twitter comediennes, Megan Amran is dark, twisted and brilliant.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 6, 2013
I wonder if athletes ever think about the gamblers whose lives they've ruined
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 8, 2013
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't have a large collection of child pornography
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 30, 2013
To reduce the visible signs of ageing, die young.
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) October 9, 2013
I'm worried that my phone is going to upgrade me.
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) September 24, 2013
The easiest way to tell if someone's ever been skydiving is by looking at their Facebook cover photo
— Patrick Ryan (@patrickmarkryan) October 9, 2013
That Biggie song, "Me and my bitch" is really offensive. It should be "My bitch and I."
— Patrick Ryan (@patrickmarkryan) August 22, 2013
LA: The home of failed actors, failed stand-ups and failed Twitter comedians. Most Twitter comedians hail from LA. Most of them suck. Bill Mc7 isn’t like other comics: he’s funny – despite being from LA. Impressive.
Wait. Did you just hear that? Was that your phone vibrating? Haha. You're just lonely. No one's calling you, loser.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) October 4, 2013
A fun thing to do if you're out with friends and they decide to go bowling is kill them and make it look like a murder-suicide.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) October 8, 2013