picard facepalm

 

They’re really annoying, you’re doing them on the internet and you need to stop doing them. Like, immediately. It really is that simple. Should you fail to comply within the next 72 hours, it is probable that the internet’s collective tard level will reach critical mass, whereupon the entire information superhighway – to use a phrase not heard since 2003 – will be subsumed in a tidal wave of fail that will signal the end of the world…

 

…wide web.

Now that you appreciate the gravity of the situation, kindly refrain from committing these cardinal sins again. Ever.

 

1. Team FollowBack

“Please follow me on Twitter and in return I’ll follow you back, provided you RT my #teamfollowback request, in exchange for which I’ll RT your #teamfollowback tweet so that we can #teamfollowbat for both teams and wallow in a bath of #teamflowback.”

If you’re so needy that you’ve come to depend on complete strangers to validate your existence by adding an additional unit onto a follow count that exists on a server in a country you’ve never been to, then God help you – cos the internet sure as hell ain’t gonna.

It’s lonely at the bottom, and where you’re headed, even 100,000 indifferent strangers responding to your #teamfollowback request won’t be enough to save you from an ignominious end on the blunt end of a penknife, swiftly followed by a bottle of tranquilisers and a faceplant into the well of a lift shaft. There are no heroes on Twitter but there are an heroes. You should follow them.

 

This is what a circle jerk looks like.

 

2. Instagram

It’s natural to want to share stuff with the rest of humanity: stories; photos; bodily fluids. As such, there’s nothing wrong with using Instagram – provided you’re using it to interact with people rather than to document EVERY. SINGLE. THING. YOU’VE. EVER. JAMMED. IN. YOUR. GOD. DAMN. MOUTH.

Oh, and then there’s the retro effects, for how could we inveigh against Instagram without mentioning the effects? Instagram effects have become so overused that genuine hipsters have reverted to using Bebo to upload their pics, harking back to a more innocent time when people shared photographs in their native state. The internet is supposed to epitomise the future of humanity, so why does every image on my internet look like the same sepia-tinged soft-focus leaf-edged moment in time?

I wrote that tweet last night just so I could quote it in my blog today. And to think my last girlfriend left me because I was ‘incapable of planning ahead’.

My genuine IRL dinner this evening. Why? Because this is the only chance I will ever get to Instagram my food. Feelsgoodman.jpg

 

 

3. Facebooking text messages

OK, so your mate misspelt ‘duck spring roll’ in a text message and so you replied ‘lol’ and then screen-capped it and uploaded it to Facebook before the mate who you were texting liked the Facebook pic and replied ‘lol’ and thus the circle of lulz was complete.

If you’re gonna Facebook, tweet or pin your autocorrect fails, stop and think: this had better be some funny-ass shit. In fact it had better be a complete lolrus to justify me taking three seconds out of my day to read it.

This is funny. You’re not.

 

4. Using the phrase ‘10 Things…’

Writers: please stop manufacturing articles whose titles are based around sensationalist lists in order to pique the curiosity of social media users and improve the click-through rate. 25 Reasons Why Your Poodle Might have AIDS; 10 Really Annoying Things You Need to Stop Doing on the Internet…. STOP IT. It’s just, gay, OK? And not gay in an innocuous homosexual way, but gay as in really lame. Oh, and taking the piss out of link bait in a blog that deploys the very same device in the belief that it will be mistaken for self-deprecation of the highest order? Well, that’s beyond gay – that’s asexual, which is the worst insult you can hurl at anyone.

Hashtags aid tweets in the same way that baby oil aids sex.

That’s right, I just called myself asexual, as in one who has no interest in sex, which aptly describes the writer of a blog as time-consuming as this. Smart writers use their literary talents to get laid. Me? I put my heart, soul and balls into creating the best blogs I can muster only to write off my chances in a single paragraph by trash-talking my libido. That’s not self-deprecating – that’s just dumb. Besides, I do have sexual urges; it’s just that most of the time they’re channelled into my odd socks, as the Mexican laundry maid will attest.

Is humanity really so obtuse that it has to rely on neatly numbered lists to tell it when to start reading and when to stop? Find out in next week’s blog – Three Things I Hate About Numbered Lists.

Pic unrelated.

 

5. Using hashtags excessively

Using hashtags without due cause is #really #fucking #annoying. On Facebook, in text messages and anywhere else that isn’t Twitter, there’s no excuse for making a hash of things.french fry pizza south park Even on Twitter, you gotta go easy on those bitches. Hashtags aid tweets in the same way that baby oil aids sex. Overuse, however, may cause others to lose their grip. Also, while we’re dispensing life lessons, please note that Twitter works like every other search engine, thus there’s no need to tweet ‘Just saw the fireworks at Edinburgh Castle. #edinburgh #castle #fireworks #edinburghfireworks’. It is a scientifically-proven fact that hashtags never got anyone laid so quit using them, step AFK and treat yourself to a #hooker who – if you’re lucky – might become a #deadhooker in your virginal hands.

 

 

6. Using #js as a licence to slander

#Justsayin is the internet equivalent of ‘No offence, but…’. Want to insult someone in an underhand fashion? Just wap out the #js hashtag and you can get away with virtual murder.  “I think you should take a coat hanger to the cervix rather than beach another fuck-tard in that shallow gene pool of yours. #justsayin”

See? No offence whatsoever.

 

 

7. Putting a Hotmail address on your CV

Like, seriously? If you’re still using Yahoo or Hotmail in 2012, you’d be as well printing off a placard that reads “Have my dox, illicit pr0n, Linden $, PayPal and incriminating emails from my loli lover. Please rape me hard in the butt because I’m a raging zoomer who can count past potato.”

Good luck with the job hunt. I hear Wetherspoon’s are currently hiring microwave technicians.

 

8. Liking commercial brands on Facebook

Bitch, please. Drink Coke, drive a Volvo and eat Snickers if you must, but liking their Facebook pages – how exactly does that enhance your life?

creepy wonkaThe worst part is that every time you like a brand, some poor shmuck on your friend list gets hit with a sponsored ad. Nice work, jack-off. Here’s a thought: if everyone unliked the corporations that are clogging up Facebook and ignored their sponsored tweets and trending tags, they’d have to abandon social media. After all, what’s the point of shouting into a vacuum when no one can hear you? Ignore those corporate fucks and eventually they’ll go away.

 

9. Excessive Meming

Well done old people, children and girls whose Twitter bio reads: Paris Carter™ ☮✪ヅ☠ Young.Money.Cash.Money #YOLO To The Death Of Me! Music Lover ♫♪♬♩#TeamMinaj #TeamCapricorn #HEAT. Congratulations, cumstains: you know what a meme is because someone shared an exploitable image of Scumbag Steve on Facebook and now you can’t wait to share it with the world. Congrats – now go play on 9gag with all the other gimps. Ed Uncovered is allowed to use memes because we have permission from the internet – in writing – provided the meming is done ironically and doesn’t involve Patrick Fucking Bateman or excessive use of the number nine followed by three zeros. There’s a time and a place for memes, but it’s certainly not all the time in all the places. Get those images in check, ho-bags.

 

most-interesting-man-in-the-world

 

10. Bragging about your Facebook shares

 Please guys, stop boasting about how well your Facebook shares are doing – you’re making the rest of us jelly. That’s not sniggers we’re stifling – it’s tears of envy. Buy Facebook shares they said. Everything will go better than expected they said. But we didn’t listen and now we’re paying the price, while financial experts and infosec gurus clean up. Sure, we’ve heard the rumours about Facebook stock plummeting through the earth’s core, but we know that’s bullshit – it’s impossible. Facebook stock is as safe as houses. As safe as virtual houses built of strings of binary, housed on an unpatched Windows SQL server in Syria. And yet we didn’t buy in. History will ROFL at us.

10 things, people – just 10. Please stop doing them on the internet.

Kind Regards,

The Internet.

 

—★★★—

 

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