16 Delightfully Offensive Halloween Outfits for 2017
So, it’s that time of year again. The one night when you can don a fake bomb belt and tear through the streets screaming “Allah Akbar!” in the knowledge that your family will be generously compensated following your death by cop. That’s one of the things Islamic terrorists just don’t get in their zeal to shun all western celebrations: if you want to bring havoc to a major city, don’t run amok on a rainy February evening – save it for Halloween, when it’s impossible to tell who’s a killer and who’s just pretending.
Terrorism is bad, but if you’re dumb enough to break bad, at least be smart enough to do it on Halloween for maximum carnage. If you’re thinking this article is going to reference multiple Muslim attacks, you’re right, but only because this was the year when terrorist offences outnumbered celebrity deaths. 2016 saw a mass-cull of aging celebs, as a who’s who of A to Z-listers surfed a red carpet of blood. With the remaining stars stubbornly clinging to life like Black Friday shoppers grabbing the last widescreen TV, it was left to the religion of peace to pick up the slack. Predictably, their more radical elements were only too willing to oblige.
Kicking off this year’s clutch of gruesome Halloween costumes is a handful of dead celebs. The pickings might be slimmer this year, but there are still some cracking combos to be had, whether you and your partner go as Myra Hindley and Ian Brady, or form a suicide squad as Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington. Let’s not forget Zombie Princess Leia, Rich Piana or George Romero either, whose ghost would be offended if you didn’t go as a zombified version of the Night of the Living Dead director.
This year’s most topical and tasteless Halloween costume has to be Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock. Unless you ascribe to the theory that Paddock was a patsy who literally dindu nuffin and was framed by the deep state of course. That’s one to cite when party-goers accuse you of repping an outfit that’s in dreadfully poor taste. You’re not mocking the dead: you’re highlighting the egregious character assassination inflicted upon an innocent 64-year-old goddammit.
No sooner had Stephen Paddock been “accidented” by the FBI in the Mandilay Bay Hotel than the story was conveniently brushed aside by the revelation that Harvey Weinstein was this year’s Bill Cosby – who surfaced in last year’s Halloween list. It turns out that having butt-loads of money and power make it incredibly easy for a man to have his way with fame-hungry women. Who knew?
This year’s entrants appear to be mirroring last year’s so far, the only difference being that instead of dressing as radical Muslims in 2017, you get to dress as their new weapon of choice – the Islamic truck of peace. London; Barca; Stockholm: pick a major city and there’s a good chance that a Muslim hired a van and mounted its pavements this year. As 2016’s Halloween list explained:
“Dressing as your favourite Muslim terrorist doesn’t mean you’re revelling in their crimes – merely their idiocy.”
Dressing in a bloodied “Dangerous” t-shirt wouldn’t just be insensitive – it would also be stupid. Especially when there are far more original costume ideas…
…like a moped acid attacker. Yes, acid attacks are horrific, but you’ve got to admit, it’s the perfect Halloween outfit, ticking the boxes marked Gruesome and Topical.
The alt-right starter kit is the ultimate blend of style and comfort. Beige chinos, a freshly pressed polo shirt and a flaming tiki torch to keep those racial tensions ablaze.
If your bleeding liberalism won’t bring you to dress as the alt-right, you could always go as their nemesis – antifa. Sure, they’ve got less sartorial splendour than their right-wing brethren, and their virtue signalling is painful to watch, but if you’re seeking a more hated outfit than that of an Islamic terrorist, it has to be antifa.
Shia had a torrid time this year as the actor’s He Will Not Divide Us flag was mercilessly hunted down by /pol/, triggering a series of epic meltdowns. If you want to gamify your Halloween, one of you can dress as Shia LaBeouf and stash your flag somewhere in town before the rest of your crew set off tasked with hunting it down and smugly defacing it.
Right-wing provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos could do no wrong at the dawn of 2017 before a throwaway comment about grooming young homosexuals caused widespread outrage. Ironically, it was the least offensive and most truthful comment Milo had uttered all year. Throw the downtrodden shock jock a bone and dress as him for Halloween, for the only thing that truly terrifies Milo is being ignored.
Speaking of mock outrage, PewDiePie has been ruffling feathers of the easily rustled lately after dropping the N-bomb during a live stream. Members of the public were shocked to discover that a YouTube celebrity was just like them and prone to blurting out profanities while button mashing.
2017 was kind of a big year for Bitcoin. If you wanna impress your crypto mates and nonplus everyone else, go as an ultra-geeky combo: one of you dresses as an ICO, the other goes as the SEC in hot pursuit.
Best Korea’s scarcely been out of the news this year. You don’t have to grasp the complexities of it all to wanna dress as a nuclear warhead.
Dressing as Grenfell Tower would be the most insensitive building-based costume since the Twin Towers. Still, someone’s gotta do it.
Apparently, sex robots epitomize patriarchy and offer men a solution to the threat of female independence. Prime Halloween material then. Buy a sex robot for the Halloween high jinks. Keep it for the cummies.
Blow your fellow clubbers away with this topical outfit that will go down a storm.
Dressing as an emoji is funny. Dressing as an emoji of a different skin tone is apparently digital blackface and not funny at all.
If you can’t decide what skin colour to go as, you could always fudge the issue and go half and half. If anyone pulls you up over your outfit, tell them you’ve dressed as a Cheron native from the original Star Trek and that you can’t be racist because that episode was written by a coon.
Gene L. Coon to be precise.
Happy Halloween and may your costume rustle other revelers and cause uncontrollable keks.
By Ed Uncovered