2015 will go down in history as the year of offence. It was the year when everyone was offended by everything, and by “everyone” read: that shrill corner of Tumblr populated by gender fluid SJWs, beta cuck white knights and other degenerates.
Still, it’s not all bad: Halloween is coming, aka The Night When Anything Goes. Halloween is to offence what The Pledge is to murder. There are no boundaries to toe on Halloween: the more offensive the better. Speaking of offence, if you find this piece offensive, fuck you. Go cry non-binary tears in your designated safe space, or file a complaint at the bottom of this page.
Everyone else, fasten your seatbelts and loosen your collars: it’s going to be a claustrophobic ride. #ICantBreathe.
A bunch of muslims getting crushed to death is no laughing matter, except on Halloween, when everything’s a laughing matter. For maximum keks, this outfit’s best done as a duo: one of you goes as the based crane of Mecca. The other goes as the religion of peace, your body strapped with flat-pack hadjis made out of cardboard.
In March, Andreas Lubitz decided to test his hypothesis that, due to institutional racism, it’s far easier for a white man to hijack a plane than a muslim. He succeeded and an hero was born.
Ahmed “Tick Tock Watching Bodies Drop” Mohamed
Six years ago, I went out on Halloween as a suicide bomber, complete with Allah Akbar t-shirt, brownface and a copy of the Koran strapped to my belt bomb. This year I’m thinking of wearing the same outfit…but going as a clockmaker.
— Daily Mirror (@DailyMirror) March 5, 2015
Another two-person costume, this outfit calls for one of you dressing as a pig and the other debasing themselves by dressing as our pig-fucking Prime Minister. That half of Britain will be dressing as Piggate this year owes nothing to a collective lack of imagination and everything to the universal contempt held for David Cameron who, just to remind you, fucked a goddamn pig.
Bryce Williams is the disgruntled reporter guilty of loving his girlfriend a little too much. Not his finest hour, it’s true, but props for inspiring the world’s first three-way Halloween costume: Bryce, bae and cameraman.
The way this world’s heading, Halloween is going to become the only night of the year when it’s safe to wear the Confederate flag. So wrap yourself in that badboy, complementing it with short trousers and an autistic bowl cut.
This year the world discovered that it’s not just pre-cum and gender that are fluid: so is race. TransRachel started life as a cracka before identifying as a person of colour only to be busted and subsequently disowned by all races. Now she’s a sista without a skin and is trapped in racial limbo.
Depending on your value system, migrants are either a welcome shot of cultural enrichment or a plague of locusts looking to take our jobs and enslave our white womynz. But what’s one’s political stance got to do with this anyway? It’s Halloween yo, a night when value systems go out the window. Dress as a boatload of capsized migrants to make a political statement or do it for the lulz: it’s your call.
In a year rife with happenings, Charlie Hebdo feels like a long time ago. It was in January that the Kouachi brothers ran amok because a pen and paper had hurt their feels. France freaked the fuck out, over 9,000 po-po launched Operation Remove Kebab and and heavily-guarded European leaders (one of whom would later be outed as a pig fucker) held hands and walked down an empty street in a gesture of defiance. The world mourned, then swiftly moved on to the next outrage.
It may have been a crap year for minorities, but it’s been a great year for rich white men…which is a total first. Our Leader in Waiting of the Free World has had a hair-raising year, even by his standards. America’s first meme candidate now looks like becoming America’s first meme president, a prospect which is as elating as it is terrifying. The ride never ends.
Bruce Jenner was a strong independent man. Then he became a strong independent womyn. The transformation was seamless, with many taking months to even notice Caitlyn’s new appearance. At first the transgender community supported brave Caitlyn, even after her reckless driving was revealed to have caused the death of a woman four years her senior – a 69-year-old widow. When a Halloween costume of the careful lady driver began doing the rounds, Woman of the Year Jenner shrugged it off and transgendered xis everywhere turned on her for failing to be offended on their behalf. And thus the special snowflake corner of the internet began eating itself, as was always destined to be the case in an ever-spiralling contest to see who could be offended the most.
2015 was the year when Pepe went mainstream, robots got butthurt and the chans’ favourite meme was BTFO. Normies: I’m talking about that sad frog. Unless you’re a shitposting basement-dweller, you have no right to dress as Pepe on Halloween. That said, the occasion is about causing offence, so go on normies: dress as that funny frog and watch robots go REEEEEEEEEE!
Speaking of which, if you really wanna rustle robots, you – Chad Thundercock – should dress as one of them: fedora, Cheeto dusted fingers, piss bottles, tendies, the whole spectrum. You can remove the outfit and slay pussy any time you like; they have to live and die as kissless, hugless virgins. One last time, can I get a REEEEEE?
If you’re a millennial that uses the terms “swag” and “YOLO” non-ironically, you and your squad should probably dress as emojis this year. That would be totally on fleek, doe.
The latest politicians to have been outed as paedophiles this year were Cyril Smith and Lord Janner but no one gives a shit. Why? Because our Prime Minister fucked a pig.
It’s not just Britbongs who’ve been busted for lolis in 2015…Subway role model Jared Fogle was caught ordering cheese pizza, and consequences have never been the same. Now he’s scheduled to take foot-longs from Jamal and Leroy for the next five years.
This year, the world was shocked to discover that married men are capable of desiring women other than their spouse. It was less shocked to learn that entry 16 in Rules of the Internet still holds true: there are no girls on the internet. If you’re going to create a costume that depicts the pwned infidelity website, you’re going to have to get creative…more creative than you were with your Ashley Madison bio.
16 shockingly good Halloween costumes, and we haven’t even covered Chavril, social justice warriors, cuckolds, #BlackLivesMatter, Jeremy Corbyn, Project Harpoon or ISIS (though they did make last year’s list.) Have a disgraceful Halloween and let’s all pray that next year’s list somehow surpasses the magnificence of 2015, the year David Cameron was found to have fucked a fucking pig.