What’s the big deal with Xmas jumpers? First they were cool. Then they were naff. And now, three decades later, they’re cool again. Every year, the contest to out-kitsch one other in the Xmas jumper stakes intensifies.
Call it hipsterism; blame it on steampunk; use the word skeuomorphism for no apparent reason. All I know is that Christmas jumpers are now a thing, with the objective being to flaunt the gaudiest, most tasteless seasonal abortion imaginable. Are tacky Xmas jumpers being worn ironically or because they are the height of fashion?
I have no idea and to be honest I couldn’t really care. I’m just here to bring you this year’s worst Xmas jumpers so that you can laugh and point or dash off and buy, depending on whether such atrocities are the height or depths of fashion.
Nightmares before Xmas
Today’s Xmas special is brought to you in association with Princess, who kindly curated the worst jumpers from the fashion websites she spends most of her time browsing. I figured I’d get her involved as a peace offering, to atone for all the times I’ve trolled her this year. (Like here and here.)
Xmas party season is upon us. Are you brave enough or drunk enough to model one of these bad boys?
Cringey Xmas jumpers
It’s like someone punched a dog in the face with a fry-up
Awesome. Gingerbread snowmen ghosts.
Pro tip girls: always match your lipstick with the nose on your jumper.
Does my Santa look fat in this?
If I saw a girl this pretty wearing a jumper this bad, I would make her take it off.
“Dad, you really need to stop dressing me.”
Fuck da police.
“This Xmas sweater will keep my legs warm.”
It’s like someone’s taken a 14-year-old girl’s texts and turned them into a jumper.
Rapey reindeer is rapey.
Where’s its eyes?
“Hey, my eyes are up here.”
How cute: a penguin with autism.
“How was your Xmas?”
“How does it fucking look?”
Become a model they said. It will be fun they said.
Hold on, we got a bad-ass over here.
Murdered by polar bears.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
……HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
GOD, I CAN’T BREATHE. MY FUCKING SIDES.
Edinburgh’s finest Christmas jumpers