Also from Ed Uncovered: 22 Scary, Sinister and Offensive Halloween Costumes 2014
So, it’s that time of year again: September, the month when bloggers spawn articles entitled Trendy, Topical and Tasteless Halloween Outfits in a ploy to grab mad hits from peeps Googling ‘2013 halloween ideas’. Urgh, I can’t believe I just wrote that SEO-laden sentence. So where were we? Ah, great Halloween outfits 2013. That’s the one.
12 months ago, Ed Uncovered gave you Fresco Jesus, Breaking Bad and Jimmy Savile plus ten kick-ass others. This year we’ve got 18 new Halloween outfits, inspired by the best of 2013’s internet drama and IRL happenings.
We may not see much of the real world these days, lost as we are in our smartphones and tablets, but we know it’s still out there, stuffed with analogue experiences that aren’t a patch on Netflix and 3D porn.
Before the internet was invented, people used their own ingenuity to devise original costumes. Now they just Google ‘Halloween ideas’ and Google takes them here and they read this article before shrugging “Stuff it, I’ll just go as a sexy witch like last year.”
Last Halloween, Ed Uncovered dressed as vagina dentata (a clunge with teeth), and prior to that as a backstreet abortionist and a suicide bomber. For 2013, I’m thinking of going as an internet troll. If I can persuade even one teenager to end their pitiful life, it’ll have been worth it.
Of course, anyone can become an hero, but to become a hero requires balls. Step forward Ed Snowden.
Regardless of whether you view Snowden as a hero or a hero, there’s no disputing that the guy is a hero. He’s the thinking woman’s thinking man. Dress as everyone’s favourite whistleblower and you’ll officially be This Year’s Most Topical Halloween Character. What’s more, going full Snowden doesn’t call for straying too far from your comfort zone: just slip on a grey shirt, don a pair of specs and memorise some pantie-dropping patter: “The design and strength of all key lengths of the AES algorithm are sufficient to protect classified information up to the Secret level, whereas Top Secret information requires use of either the 192 or 256 key lengths.”
For bonus points, print off 20,000 top secret documents and scatter the pages in the streets. If you’re lucky, you’ll only be charged with littering in public and not aiding the enemy.
Every superhero has a nemesis and Snowden’s is his former employer, the National Security Agency. How does one dress as a faceless organisation commonly referred to as No Such Agency? That’s for you to work out; I’m just tossing ideas around while I sink this bottle of tonic.
Dressing as the NSA won’t get you laid and it probably won’t win the fancy dress contest, but in your own small way you’ll be sticking it to the man and that’s what Halloween is all about: making pointed political gestures that are drowned in a sea of fishnets and molly.
We all know Feels Guy. We’ve all had those feels. What feels? Those feels. If you’ve never had those feels, you’ll never know what it’s like to have felt and if so I feel for you. For the rest of us, crippled by that feel upon the realisation that we’ll never have a qt 3.14 gf, the feels are all too real. Let the feels out this Halloween by bringing Feels Guy to the masses. Hit em and hit em hard with this year’s most emotionally jarring outfit. Right in the feels.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned in 2013, it’s that male privilege extends to convincing two girls to travel unaccompanied to the other side of the world and tour Peru’s ancient ruins – unaccompanied – for four days before stuffing their cases with cocaine and travelling – unaccompanied – to the airport.
The Peru Two are proof of why we need feminism: to remind us that if it wasn’t for MEN there wouldn’t be any crime in the world – yes, even crime that ostensibly appears to have been committed by women. Behind every good man is a good woman and behind every bad woman is a gun.
The best part about dressing as ‘naive’ Michaella Connolly and Melissa Reid is that the outfit provides perfect cover for drug dealing. On Halloween, who’s gonna believe those flour-stuffed suitcases are actually filled with 11 kilos of Peruvian finest? The Peru Two: Do it for the drugs. Do it for the drug money. Do it for having your south mouth licked red raw in a Peruvian penitentiary. Just do it.
By Halloween 2013, the most eagerly anticipated game in the history of the world will have been released. (Full Ed Uncovered review here.) So why not grab the zeitgeist by the balls and prove that gaming has, like, totally superceded movies as our generation’s defining cultural medium by dressing as GTA V’s protagonists?
You and a couple of buds can quarrel over who gets to play Michael, Franklin and Trevor. For those too lazy to watch the character clip below, Michael’s the one who likes sex and violence, Franklin likes chicken and violence and Trevor likes violence and violence.
Don’t expect too many Halloween high fives by the way; all the hardcore gamers will be at home playing GTA V. There’s more chance of them killing a hooker compassionately than venturing outside before 2014.
6. Google Glasshole
Google Glass may be beyond your budget, but that’s not to say you can’t improvise and make your own. Everyone should look like a glorious winged faggot at least once a year, so why not on Halloween? With little more than a set of novelty sunglasses and some tinfoil, you too can become a fully certified Glasshole, a hipster so hip that even the hippest hipsters will dismiss you as an utter douchebag.
7. Satoshi Nakomoto
Satoshi Nakomoto is the elusive mastermind behind bitcoin, the world’s first digital currency. Although bitcoin can be used for a multitude of
purposes, it’s mostly used to buy drugs. Why? Because when you’ve got a fuck-ton of disposable income, what else are you going to spend it on?
No one knows Satoshi’s nationality. No one knows Satoshi’s voice. Hell, no one even knows whether he’s an individual or a consortium of cryptographic geniuses grown in a US research lab. So the rules to this outfit are pretty relaxed then: dress however the hell you like. Just be sure to impress the ladies with cool stories about the genesis block. Oh, and wear a fedora – bitches love fedoras.8. George Zimmerman / Trayvon Martin
One of them was a violent vigilante; the other was a harmless neighbourhood watch guy. This deadly duo is best reenacted with a mate: One of you blacks up. The other yellows up. One tools up; the other Skittles up. Spend the night chasing each other around the hood and shouting racial slurs, lest the spectacle of two white guys pretending to be brown whilst mocking the most racially charged murder in recent history isn’t deemed racist enough.9. Bradley/Chelsea Manning
First came Bradley. Then came 35 years for leaking a trove of classified docs. Then came Chelsea, as the Man Formerly Known as Bradley now wishes to be known. Regardless of his/her current gender, there’s no disputing that Bradley/Chelsea Manning is an outfit that any man/woman can emulate simply by making a half-arsed effort to dress as the opposite sex.
How better to fight transphobia than by dressing as Bradley/Chelsea Manning? If you’re wondering which toilet to pee in, incidentally, our advice would be to pick the one with the shortest queue.10. Miley Cyrus
Girls love dressing as whores almost as much as guys love girls dressing as whores. Of course you don’t have to be female to want to dress like Miley: you just have to be an incredibly big whore. Guys; girls; gays; straights: this is your chance to go as the world’s hugest whore and pretend that you’re doing it for the lulz, as opposed to the thrill of twerking at passing strangers before climbing inside a teddy bear and sinking into a K-hole. You can’t fuck Miley Cyrus but you can rape the memory of Hannah Montana which is almost as satisfying. It’s our Halloween and we’ll dress like whores if we want to.11. Chris Dorner
The regulars at The Tavern in Auchtermuchty are unlikely to recognise your Chris Dorner outfit and praise its verisimilitude. Upload a selfie to b/ however and you’ll be hailed as a hero forevermoar. Cos make no mistake, Chris Dorner was a hero, a man who fought for righteous justice, only to fall at the last hurdle and go out in a six-star blaze of glory. Heroes come and go but Dorner’s jimmies are eternal.
Moar Halloween Ideas
Margaret Thatcher might be dead, but there’s nothing to stop you going as Zombie Thatcher. Speaking of entitled bastards, there’s also the royal baby – sorry Royal Baby – or even the Zombie Royal Baby if you fancy depicting the dauphin’s demon spawn in its native state.
Americlaps: why not dress as creepy kidnapper Ariel Castro (who’s kindly died since this article was published) or toothless rescuer Charles Ramsey? Just stand back and wait for all those pretty little white girls to run into a black man’s arms. Other villains include Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker Kai (later to become Murder Accused Kai) and Rolf Harris.
This year’s most politically charged outfit is Syria. Though good luck in depicting a failed state made up of 16 diverse factions including Sunnis, Druze and Alawites. Then there’s the option of dressing as alleged Silk Road kingpin Ross Ulbricht aka Dread Pirate Roberts. Create a computer screen out of cardboard and silver foil, add a printout of the Silk Road homepage and BOOM you’re an $80 million drugs marketplace.
Also from Ed Uncovered: 22 Scary, Sinister and Offensive Halloween Costumes 2014
Finally, if you’ve left it too late to slim down and become a sexy witch, there is a fall-back option: fatten up and become the biggest witch of all, Deryck Whibley. Once famous for having the ugliest name in rock, Whibley is now better known for having rock’s ugliest face – an honour previously accorded to Chad Kroeger. Every day I curse myself for being born too handsome to plunge Avril’s gaping maple pot.
And on that note, I’m off to tan the last of this Buckfast. That’s right: this year’s most creative Halloween blog was written under the influence of Scotland’s most destructive drink. All hail the Fuckstab.
Also from Ed Uncovered: 13 Scary, Trendy and Downright Offensive Halloween Costumes