cupcake makers

Their early twenties are a blur of cheap booze and frozen pizza. Club nights in Ibiza. Blowjobs in Magaluf. Wearing onesies to the shops and smoking rollies in the bath.

Then something starts to happen.

Out go the one night stands and weekend benders. In comes the urge to nest.

This blog goes out to all the rah girls, gentrified gents and bon viveurs. It goes out to all the aspiring middle class ex-students facing up to the realisation that they’d rather stay in and watch Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall before getting up early for the farmers market.

Homemakers: I hate everything you stand for, but don’t let that detract from the dedication: this Be Good to Yourself Ed Uncovered Finest Blog is for you guys. Please accept my bespoke offering.

25 Signs That You’re Becoming a Homemaker

★ You’ve started using the word artisan in everyday speech

★ hipster baristaYou have a strong opinion on how quinoa should be pronounced

★ All you want for Christmas is a cupcake maker

★ You’ve stopped eating at your local gastro pub because the roasted pork belly has gone downhill

★ You can’t eat crisps any more. They have to be hand cut potato chips

★ You refuse to use the bathroom at your friend’s house because they don’t have quilted toilet paper

★ You’ve bought a bread maker and actually use it

★ You think the iPad is lame. Which is why you’re trading yours in for an iPad Air

★ You’ve started using a smartphone app to monitor your periods

★ You haven’t bought a sub-£5 bottle of wine since your student days

★ When someone asks how you take your coffee, you say grande. That’s half-caff half-fat soy latte grande with a dash of rose scented syrup and vegan dark-chocolate biscotti thanks

★ You’ve started buying organic soap

james mcavoy★ You’ve stopped eating blueberries on account of their carbon footprint. But you still fly to Koh Samui every summer

★ Your ‘bit of rough’ is James McAvoy

★ You’ve started picking your own sloe berries to make gin

★ October is no longer the month of Halloween – it’s the month before Starbucks roll out the red cups

★ You get graze boxes delivered to your door

★ You’ve started reading the Daily Mail website. But just for the celeb gossip

★ You’ve become intolerant to lactose. And asylum seekers

★ You shop at Sainsbury’s – but only when you’re slumming ithomemaker

★ You love going to cocktail bars – and loudly explaining how you make a better mojito

★ When a friend invites you to a party, you ask if you can bring dessert

★ You’ve stopped watching TOWIE because it’s just not as sophisticated as Made In Chelsea

★ You’ve developed a gluten allergy

★ If you had to rescue three words from a burning dictionary, you’d choose vintage, rustic and sustainable

How much of a homemaker are you?

1950s-housewifeIf none of those statements apply, congratulations: you’re awesome.

If 0-5 apply, that’s OK: you’re just growing up.

If 6-10, be careful: you’re flirting with middle class douchery.

If 10+, there’s no hope: you’re a raging homemaker.

Dedicated to Princess (who scores a solid 13.)

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EU < Ed Uncovered, yo.