Like a fat girl super-sizing her meal, this article was inevitable. I didn’t want to write about cocks – not in a blog as erudite as Ed Uncovered – but then someone emailed me a bunch of penis names. As the saying goes, when life hands you a big bag of dicks, make a blog with them.

Last year, I wrote a blog about vaginas. It was a frivolous, throwaway piece, as you’d expect of an article called 50 Great Names for Vagina (since followed by 50 Great Names for Breasts, SexDrunk, Masturbation, Female Masturbation, Death and Cum). Now, whenever someone tires of saying ‘vagina’, they turn to Google for inspiration. And Google sends them here.

Last month 50,000 people came here looking for vag names. Next month there’ll be another 50k and so on, until every last soul on earth knows every last name for vagina.


Om nom nom
Om nom nom

Today, in a wholly uncynical ploy, Ed Uncovered is pleased to publish the sequel to 50 Shades of Gash. The penis may be the exact opposite of the vagina – the ying to its yang, the… well, the cock to its cum tunnel – but the pair are linked by more than mere friction; both share ridiculous names.

Penis. Vagina.

Go on – say them aloud. Utterly ridiculous. How did a civil society come to adopt such grotesque names for our private parts?

Thankfully that horrific P-word need never pass your lips again – because I’m about to supply an entirely new set of penis names. What’s more, all of them have been certified as suitable for using in a court of law and over Sunday dinner with the in-laws.

“Dad, you’ll never guess what happened to my pink taco while Mark and I were riding the baloney pony last night!”

See? Certified.

Hit that play button to get you in the mood and then let’s do this: 50 Great Names for Penis.



Nasty Names for Penis

★ Womb broom

★ Mutton dagger

★ Snot rocket

★ Yogurt slinger

★ Meat scepter

★ Weapon of ass destruction

★ Wedding wrecker

★ Clam hammer

★ Spam javelini can fap to this

★ Taco warmer

★ Tuna torpedo

★ Meat popsicle

★ Mr. Sniffles

★ Muff marauder


Moar Nasty Names for Penis

★ AIDS baster

★ Dora the explorer

★ Kidney scrapersorry

★ Gash mallet

★ Crotch vomiter

★ Cervix crusader

★ Womb raider

★ Whore thermometer

★ Uncle Reamus

★ Vagina miner

★ Veinous Maximus

★ Vlad the Impaler

★ Vomit rodim 12 and what is this

★ Puff the one-eyed dragon

★ The artful throbber

★ Jurassic pork

★ The bone ranger

★ Womb ferret

★ Baloney baton

★ Tummy banana

★ Tiny Tim

★ Skin flute

★ Slit-eyed demon

★ Sludge pump

★ Ho wrecker

★ Porridge gun

check em bateman

Personal Favourites

★ Woody womb pecker

★ Just-in-beaver

Names for a Tiny Penis

★ Choad


Spanish Names for Penis

★ Verga

★ Falo

★ Polla

★ Rabo

★ Pito

★ Chile

★ Chorizo


Nice Words for Penis

Er…there aren’t any.


Can we go now?

Yeah, alright. Try not to share this blog excessively or I’ll only be compelled to churn out another post next week called 50 Great Names for Breasts, and believe it or not I’m trying to dumb this site up – not down. Otherwise, where will it all end? I’ll tell you where it’ll end: a year hence with me struggling to compile 50 Great Names for Anus, and no one wants that.

Vaginas? Yes. Penises? Go on then. Asses? Eweee.




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Also from Ed Uncovered:


  1. The names in Spanish have some mistakes, “verga”, “polla”; and in Mexico you may add “chile” and “chorizo”

  2. There are many positive names for the penis, and if you don’t know any – please invent some!
    My personal favourites:
    Lingam (Sanskrit for “Wand of Light”)
    Jade Stem (Taoist terminology)
    Love Wand (Cute, magical)
    Phallus (Strong, powerful)
    Cock (Masculine, alert, even if this word is somewhat incorrectly/offensively used)
    Slippery serpent (ok, that one was just being funny!)
    Ask your partner what he likes to call his prime sexual organ, and when you both agree it’s positive, call it that.

  3. [email protected]

    The peace maker!!!

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