Vaginas are awesome. Of that we can all agree. Vagina is a rubbish word for vagina. Of that we can also agree. Thankfully, there are over 9,000 alternative words out there – some awesome, some disgusting and some downright hilarious.

I’ve selflessly curated the best epithets, so you can thank your doctor for removing that Sharpie from your vajayjay – without having to refer to it as a tuna taco.

 

Yeah, we went there
Vagina meme

Because this is a semi-SFW blog (if you’ll excuse the fucking language and the obsession with tits & vag), I’ll refrain from illustrating the sort of pussies these terms elicit. You’ll just have to use your imagination, or if that fails, turn off safe search and Google gaping vagina. That should keep you entertained while you’re eating lunch.

This isn’t an exhaustive list by the way – I’ve missed out some of the duller names, like box and beaver. Although now that I’ve mentioned them, I guess they haven’t been omitted after all. Anyway, moving on before my tiny brain explodes…

For some reason, Hetty’s cupcakes sold exceptionally well at the church fete that year.

For some reason, Hetty’s cupcakes sold exceptionally well at the church fete that year.

Let’s talk about lady bits

There’s a time and a place for deploying these euphemisms – or most of them at least. Halting foreplay to ask if you can slip it in her wizard’s sleeve is gonna get you instantly blue-balled. That said, no one ever dunked it in a prostitute’s vajayjay – it’s cock pocket or stench trench all the way. Context is important when dealing with vaginas. And that’s what this erudite blog is all about – context and vocabulary.

OK, so it’s actually about vaginas. Happy now?

 

Nice words for vagina

Names for Vagina★ Honey pot

 

Nasty words for vagina

★ Everything else

 

Scottish words

Before anyone gets butthurt, I’ll concede that most of these words aren’t Scottish – but you’re more likely to hear them uttered roon these parts than anywhere else in the world.

★ Clungesatanic ram vagina

★ Clout

★ Chuff

★ Fanny

★ Gash

★ Beef curtains

★ Pish flaps

★ Muff

★ Vag

It should be noted that Scotland is possibly the only country where you’ll hear the term cunt used as a term of endearment rather than as a crude word for vagoo. Why? Because we’re a nation of good cunts of course.

For added pleasure, listen to Scotland’s Zambian Astronaut as you read on. There’s something soothing about this track that eases the sight of the most horrific vagina names ever conjured.

 

Spanish names for vagina

★ Pepa

★ Palomita

★ Vulva

★ Raja

★ Conho

★ Conejo

★ Potorro

My personal favourites

Ariel Little Mermaid vagina

★ Badly packed kebab

★ Meat wallet

★ Axe wound

 

Words for vagina in the bedroom

★ Cunt

★ Snatch

★ Pussy

Er…that’s about it. Call it anything else during sex and you’ll instantly kill the vibe. Makes it kind of awkward when a girl’s screaming ‘Talk dirty to me!’ but you’ve expended your three designated words in the first sentence.

Words that no one uses IRL

★ ClamBear how about no

★ French fry dip

★ Penis fly trap

★ Stench trench

★ Cave of wonders

★ Bearded oyster

★ Pink canoe

★ Pink fortress

★ Soggy box

★ Baby cannon

★ Hippo’s yawn

 

Words that no one uses IRL but should

★ Juicebox

★ Pink tacokind of want

★ Handwarmer

★ Cock socket

★ Mum’s glovebox

★ Tampon tunnel

★ Meat flap

★ Vagoo

Kid-friendly words for vagina

Before you raise several eyebrows and report me to the internet police, I should clarify that there’s a genuine (i.e. non-sexualised) reason for including this section. If you’ve got kids, how do you politely refer to their V-A-G-I-N-A without calling it a V-A-G-I-N-A?

Vagina is a stupid word at the best of times; having it shouted by a three-year-old can only add to its unutterable weirdness. So what can kids call it instead? The options are woeful, but they would appear to be as follows:

★  Front bottom

★  Flower

★  Kitty

★  Bajingo

★  Foo-foo

★  Hoo-hee

★  Hoo-hoo (etc)

Told you they were pretty bad – but still better than vagina, it must be said.

 

Words for a slack vagina

 

★  Wizard’s sleevespiderman pussy

★  Cum bucket

★  Chasm of doom

★  The abyss

★  The grandest canyon

 

Words for an outie vagina

★  Roastie

 

Girlie words for vagina

This section was written in conjunction with the women I know well enough to quiz about their private parts. And before you ask, no, my mum wasn’t one of them.

 

Though I did ask yours.

 

★  Hoo-hee

★  Mini

★  Downstairs

★  Girlie parts/bits

★  Nun / Nuun (from TOWIE apparently)

★  Vajayjay (Oprah uses it at least. I can’t speak on behalf of the rest of womankind.)

 

Nectarostoma

Above: lower nectarostoma, viewed under an electron microscope. But you assumed that already.

 

When it comes to naming their lady gardens, girls are disappointingly tame. I don’t know who invented fur burger, but I’ll bet it wasn’t a woman.

 

You still would.

You still would.


By Ed Uncovered