Vaginas are awesome. Of that we can all agree. Vagina is a rubbish word for vagina. Of that we can also agree. Thankfully, there are over 9,000 alternative words out there – some awesome, some disgusting and some downright hilarious.
I’ve selflessly curated the best epithets, so you can thank your doctor for removing that Sharpie from your vajayjay – without having to refer to it as a tuna taco.
Yeah, we went there
For those who are concerned that this blog may be dumbing down, fear not. Truth is, it was never that smart in the first place. That said, only a couple of weeks ago I published a veritable dissertation on my favourite writers of all time. That piece was cerebral; this one is more, well, vaginal.
Next week, I could be writing about Kierkegaard or I could be writing 50 Great Names for Penis or even 50 Great Names for Drunk. That’s the beauty of living a spontaneous existence where pressing work deadlines are swept aside at a moment’s notice to justify an impromptu blog about vaginas.
Because this is a semi-SFW blog (if you’ll excuse the fucking language and the obsession with tits & vag), I’ll refrain from illustrating the sort of pussies these terms elicit. You’ll just have to use your imagination, or if that fails, turn off safe search and Google gaping vagina. That should keep you entertained while you’re eating lunch.
This isn’t an exhaustive list by the way – I’ve missed out some of the duller names, like box and beaver. Although now that I’ve mentioned them, I guess they haven’t been omitted after all. Anyway, moving on before my tiny brain explodes…
Let’s talk about lady bits
There’s a time and a place for deploying these euphemisms – or most of them at least. Halting foreplay to ask if you can slip it in her wizard’s sleeve is gonna get you instantly blue-balled. That said, no one ever dunked it in a prostitute’s vajayjay – it’s cock pocket or stench trench all the way. Context is important when dealing with vaginas. And that’s what this erudite blog is all about – context and vocabulary.
OK, so it’s actually about vaginas. Happy now?
★ Honey pot
★ Everything else
Before anyone gets butthurt, I’ll concede that most of these words aren’t Scottish – but you’re more likely to hear them uttered roon these parts than anywhere else in the world.
★ Beef curtains
★ Pish flaps
It should be noted that Scotland is possibly the only country where you’ll hear the term cunt used as a term of endearment rather than as a crude word for vagoo. Why? Because we’re a nation of good cunts of course.
For added pleasure, listen to Scotland’s Bang Dirty as you read on. There’s something about this track that makes the consumption of multiple vagina names infinitely more pleasurable.
★ Badly packed kebab
★ Meat wallet
★ Axe wound
Er…that’s about it. Call it anything else during sex and you’ll instantly kill the vibe. Makes it kind of awkward when a girl’s screaming ‘Talk dirty to me!’ but you’ve expended your three designated words in the first sentence.
★ French fry dip
★ Penis fly trap
★ Stench trench
★ Cave of wonders
★ Bearded oyster
★ Pink canoe
★ Pink fortress
★ Soggy box
★ Baby cannon
★ Hippo’s yawn
★ Cock socket
★ Mum’s glovebox
★ Tampon tunnel
★ Meat flap
Before you raise several eyebrows and report me to the internet police, I should clarify that there’s a genuine (i.e. non-sexualised) reason for including this section. If you’ve got kids, how do you politely refer to their V-A-G-I-N-A without calling it a V-A-G-I-N-A?
Vagina is a stupid word at the best of times; having it shouted by a three-year-old can only add to its unutterable weirdness. So what can kids call it instead? The options are woeful, but they would appear to be as follows:
★ Front bottom
★ Hoo-hoo (etc)
Told you they were pretty bad – but still better than vagina, it must be said.
★ Cum bucket
★ Chasm of doom
★ The abyss
★ The grandest canyon
This section was written in conjunction with the women I know well enough to quiz about their private parts. And before you ask, no, my mum wasn’t one of them.
Though I did ask yours.
★ Girlie parts/bits
★ Nun / Nuun (from TOWIE apparently)
★ Vajayjay (Oprah uses it at least. I can’t speak on behalf of the rest of womankind.)
If your life won’t be complete until you’ve ticked off every name under the sun, you’ll find more vaginas here to get your tongue around, while there’s also 50 Great Names for Penis, 50 Great Names for Breasts and 50 Great Names for Drunk from Ed Uncovered. Happy reading.
Also from Ed Uncovered: 22 Scary, Sinister and Offensive Halloween Costumes 2014