Vaginas are awesome. Of that we can all agree. Vagina is a rubbish word for vagina. Of that we can also agree. Thankfully, there are over 9,000 alternative words out there – some awesome, some disgusting and some downright hilarious.
I’ve selflessly curated the best epithets, so you can thank your doctor for removing that Sharpie from your vajayjay – without having to refer to it as a tuna taco.
Because this is a semi-SFW blog (if you’ll excuse the fucking language and the obsession with tits & vag), I’ll refrain from illustrating the sort of pussies these terms elicit. You’ll just have to use your imagination, or if that fails, turn off safe search and Google gaping vagina. That should keep you entertained while you’re eating lunch.
This isn’t an exhaustive list by the way – I’ve missed out some of the duller names, like box and beaver. Although now that I’ve mentioned them, I guess they haven’t been omitted after all. Anyway, moving on before my tiny brain explodes…
Let’s talk about lady bits
There’s a time and a place for deploying these euphemisms – or most of them at least. Halting foreplay to ask if you can slip it in her wizard’s sleeve is gonna get you instantly blue-balled. That said, no one ever dunked it in a prostitute’s vajayjay – it’s cock pocket or stench trench all the way. Context is important when dealing with vaginas. And that’s what this erudite blog is all about – context and vocabulary.
OK, so it’s actually about vaginas. Happy now?
Nice words for vagina
Nasty words for vagina
★ Everything else
Before anyone gets butthurt, I’ll concede that most of these words aren’t Scottish – but you’re more likely to hear them uttered roon these parts than anywhere else in the world.
★ Beef curtains
★ Pish flaps
It should be noted that Scotland is possibly the only country where you’ll hear the term cunt used as a term of endearment rather than as a crude word for vagoo. Why? Because we’re a nation of good cunts of course.
For added pleasure, listen to Scotland’s Zambian Astronaut as you read on. There’s something soothing about this track that eases the sight of the most horrific vagina names ever conjured.
Spanish names for vagina
My personal favourites
★ Badly packed kebab
★ Meat wallet
★ Axe wound
Words for vagina in the bedroom
Er…that’s about it. Call it anything else during sex and you’ll instantly kill the vibe. Makes it kind of awkward when a girl’s screaming ‘Talk dirty to me!’ but you’ve expended your three designated words in the first sentence.
Words that no one uses IRL
★ French fry dip
★ Penis fly trap
★ Stench trench
★ Cave of wonders
★ Bearded oyster
★ Pink canoe
★ Pink fortress
★ Soggy box
★ Baby cannon
★ Hippo’s yawn
Words that no one uses IRL but should
★ Cock socket
★ Mum’s glovebox
★ Tampon tunnel
★ Meat flap
Kid-friendly words for vagina
Before you raise several eyebrows and report me to the internet police, I should clarify that there’s a genuine (i.e. non-sexualised) reason for including this section. If you’ve got kids, how do you politely refer to their V-A-G-I-N-A without calling it a V-A-G-I-N-A?
Vagina is a stupid word at the best of times; having it shouted by a three-year-old can only add to its unutterable weirdness. So what can kids call it instead? The options are woeful, but they would appear to be as follows:
★ Front bottom
★ Hoo-hoo (etc)
Told you they were pretty bad – but still better than vagina, it must be said.
Words for a slack vagina
★ Cum bucket
★ Chasm of doom
★ The abyss
★ The grandest canyon
Words for an outie vagina
Girlie words for vagina
This section was written in conjunction with the women I know well enough to quiz about their private parts. And before you ask, no, my mum wasn’t one of them.
Though I did ask yours.
★ Girlie parts/bits
★ Nun / Nuun (from TOWIE apparently)
★ Vajayjay (Oprah uses it at least. I can’t speak on behalf of the rest of womankind.)
Above: lower nectarostoma, viewed under an electron microscope. But you assumed that already.
When it comes to naming their lady gardens, girls are disappointingly tame. I don’t know who invented fur burger, but I’ll bet it wasn’t a woman.