50 Great Names for Vagina

Names for Vagina

Vaginas are awesome. Of that we can all agree. Vagina is a rubbish word for vagina. Of that we can also agree. Thankfully, there are over 9,000 alternative words out there – some awesome, some disgusting and some downright hilarious.

I’ve selflessly curated the best epithets, so you can thank your doctor for removing that Sharpie from your vajayjay – without having to refer to it as a tuna taco.

 

Yeah, we went there

For those who are concerned that this blog may be dumbing down, fear not. Truth is, it was never that smart in the first place. That said, only a couple of weeks ago I published a veritable dissertation on my favourite writers of all time. That piece was cerebral; this one is more, well, vaginal.Vagina meme

Next week, I could be writing about Kierkegaard or I could be writing  50 Great Names for Penis or even 50 Great Names for Drunk. That’s the beauty of living a spontaneous existence where pressing work deadlines are swept aside at a moment’s notice to justify an impromptu blog about vaginas.

Because this is a semi-SFW blog (if you’ll excuse the fucking language and the obsession with tits & vag), I’ll refrain from illustrating the sort of pussies these terms elicit. You’ll just have to use your imagination, or if that fails, turn off safe search and Google gaping vagina. That should keep you entertained while you’re eating lunch.

This isn’t an exhaustive list by the way – I’ve missed out some of the duller names, like box and beaver. Although now that I’ve mentioned them, I guess they haven’t been omitted after all. Anyway, moving on before my tiny brain explodes…

For some reason, Hetty’s cupcakes sold exceptionally well at the church fete that year.

For some reason, Hetty’s cupcakes sold exceptionally well at the church fete that year.

Let’s talk about lady bits

There’s a time and a place for deploying these euphemisms – or most of them at least. Halting foreplay to ask if you can slip it in her wizard’s sleeve is gonna get you instantly blue-balled. That said, no one ever dunked it in a prostitute’s vajayjay – it’s cock pocket or stench trench all the way. Context is important when dealing with vaginas. And that’s what this erudite blog is all about – context and vocabulary.

OK, so it’s actually about vaginas. Happy now?

 

Nice Words for Vagina

★ Honey pot

 

Nasty Words for Vagina

 

★ Everything else

 

Scottish Words

Before anyone gets butthurt, I’ll concede that most of these words aren’t Scottish – but you’re more likely to hear them uttered roon these parts than anywhere else in the world.

★ Clungesatanic ram vagina

★ Clout

★ Chuff

★ Fanny

★ Gash

★ Beef curtains

★ Pish flaps

★ Muff

★ Vag

It should be noted that Scotland is possibly the only country where you’ll hear the term cunt used as a term of endearment rather than as a crude word for vagoo. Why? Because we’re a nation of good cunts of course.

For added pleasure, listen to Scotland’s Bang Dirty as you read on. There’s something about this track that makes the consumption of multiple vagina names infinitely more pleasurable.

 

Spanish Names

★ Pepa

★ Palomita

★ Vulva

★ Raja

★ Conho

★ Conejo

★ Potorro

 

My Personal Favourites

Ariel Little Mermaid vagina

★ Badly packed kebab

★ Meat wallet

★ Axe wound

 

Words for Vagina in the Bedroom

 

★ Cunt

★ Snatch

★ Pussy

Er…that’s about it. Call it anything else during sex and you’ll instantly kill the vibe. Makes it kind of awkward when a girl’s screaming ‘Talk dirty to me!’ but you’ve expended your three designated words in the first sentence.

 

Words that No One Uses IRL

 

★ ClamBear how about no

★ French fry dip

★ Penis fly trap

★ Stench trench

★ Cave of wonders

★ Bearded oyster

★ Pink canoe

★ Pink fortress

★ Soggy box

★ Baby cannon

★ Hippo’s yawn

 

Words that No One Uses IRL But Should

★ Juicebox

★ Pink tacokind of want

★ Handwarmer

★ Cock socket

★ Mum’s glovebox

★ Tampon tunnel

★ Meat flap

★ Vagoo

 

Kid-Friendly Words for Vagina

 

Before you raise several eyebrows and report me to the internet police, I should clarify that there’s a genuine (i.e. non-sexualised) reason for including this section. If you’ve got kids, how do you politely refer to their V-A-G-I-N-A without calling it a V-A-G-I-N-A?

Vagina is a stupid word at the best of times; having it shouted by a three-year-old can only add to its unutterable weirdness. So what can kids call it instead? The options are woeful, but they would appear to be as follows:

★  Front bottom

★  Flower

★  Kitty

★  Bajingo

★  Foo-foo

★  Hoo-hee

★  Hoo-hoo (etc)

Told you they were pretty bad – but still better than vagina, it must be said.

 

Words for a Slack Vagina

 

★  Wizard’s sleevespiderman pussy

★  Cum bucket

★  Chasm of doom

★  The abyss

★  The grandest canyon

 

 

Girlie Words for Vagina

 

This section was written in conjunction with the women I know well enough to quiz about their private parts. And before you ask, no, my mum wasn’t one of them.

 

Though I did ask yours.

 

★  Hoo-hee

★  Mini

★  Downstairs

★  Girlie parts/bits

★  Nun / Nuun (from TOWIE apparently)

★  Vajayjay (Oprah uses it at least. I can’t speak on behalf of the rest of womankind.)

 

Nectarostoma of a flower, viewed under an electron microscope. But you assumed that already.

When it comes to naming their lady gardens, girls are disappointingly tame. I don’t know who invented fur burger, but I’ll bet it wasn’t a woman.Holla

If your life won’t be complete until you’ve ticked off every name under the sun, you’ll find more vaginas here to get your tongue around, while there’s also 50 Great Names for Penis50 Great Names for Breasts and 50 Great Names for Drunk from Ed Uncovered. Happy reading.

Also from Ed Uncovered: 22 Scary, Sinister and Offensive Halloween Costumes 2014

 

—★★★—

EU < Ed Uncovered, yo.cracked facebook

> Also all up on your Facebook.

 

 

You still would.

Author: EU

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63 Comments

  1. Gah!!! The girl! The crocodile! SCARY!!

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    • At least it’s obvious. Watch the movie Teeth if you want something scary!

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    • I think you missed a few, whisker biscuit, bearded clam, cum dumpster, cock pocket, hot pocket, love sock, pickle pathway, tuna tunnel, whispering eye, and that was like 5 minutes their are a lot more.

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  2. sugar notch fancy gap

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  3. Hello my name is Ryan Fogg, I find this post very disturbing as there is no foreplay tips, I love to cum on my toe then flick it at my sister, my dog also seems to get as much enjoyment when he licks my arsehole as I do.

    Kind Regards Ryan Fogg.

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    • This is to Ryan Fogg…I wasnt gonna reply to your comment because everyone & I do mean EVERYONE knows that people like you write stuff like that cus ya want to either shock someone, piss someone off, or you’re a 12 year old & you think its funny. 1st the thing is Ryan, in this day & age & espeacially on the internet we’ve seen it all! Hell, every “dirty” word you wrote in your comment can be heard on most sitcoms everynight on regular television! So, its really hard to shock people now a days! Also, there is 1thing that does suprise me…why in the hell would you want to write stupid shit like that, shit that you can find in most 6th grade boys notebooks. The ones that are stuffed under the bed next to the stolen penthouse magazine with the pages that are stuck together. Damn dude, this is the internet & the whole world see’s everything! The only person you’re hurting is yourself. Cus everyone that reads it thinks,” aaawwww, he must have brain damage! His mom must’ve smoked a lot of crack when she was pregnant with him.” Or they’ll think,” where is his mom & dad at? Do they know what their child is doing on the internet?!” Or they’ll think,” this is the kinda slime ball that hides in the bushes at parks where children play & jackes off watching them!” Or lastly, most people read the 1st or 2nd line & think “Pffft, oh theres something you dont see on the internet! Ha ha how original! I could eat a can of vegtable soup & shit out a better comment than that one, geeez!” So, I just thought I’d save ya some embarassment (if you even have those type of emotions). Next time you write something on the internet, remember…The whole world reads what you write! Next time try not to make yourself out to be a preverted 6th grader with serial killer tendencies. Just saying.

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      • Before anyone says anything…Yes, I know I’m on a website where you can find different and hilarious names for men & womens anatomy. But I think you should also know that I also have the filthiest mouth in the south! I am a 4’11” halfbreed/Native American NDN. I cuss like a drunken sailor with tourettes syndrom! I make my 6’3″ biker husband blush! We were at a party once & he said,”baby, you need to watch your mouth, you say fuck too much!” I said,” What??!! Really??!! Well, fuck you!” True story. Anyway, my point is…There is nothing wrong with this kinda website. Its funny to read some of the names people come up with instead of “penis” or “vagina” ! But when you start adding things like “I flicked cum on my sister” or “I love when my dog licks my asshole”, I’m sorry, it just stops being funny! Like I said, “shit like, camel toe or tuna taco is hilarious and yes its freedom of speech! But so is burning the American Flag. But I have a moral line that I wont cross & I think most decent people feel the same way. Anyway, sorry for the rants! I was really enjoying these jokes, then I read what Ryan Fogg wrote & I just had to put my 2 cents in.
        Oh btw, if you havent heard the song “Camel Toe” by Bob & Tom yet, check it out! Its so fucking funny! Its a parody song about the outline if womens cooter or pooter or whatever & they took the the Beach Boys song “Kokamos” & wrote their own song called “Camel Toes”! Its funny! Also, Ive always thought “moose knuckle” was funny. And when I see chicks with really, really tight pants on, you know, they’re so tight you can see her moose knuckle…I call them “Georege Busch Pants” because you can read her lips! 1 more! You know why men have holes in their dicks? Its so their brain can breath! My husband hates that joke. I think because he knows its true! He he he! I know this isnt a joke website but I cant help it! Like…the generic name for viagra is “Mycoxaflopin” . Also, There was a chick who went fishing with 5 or 6 dudes! All she came back with was a red snapper!
        Okay, Im done, I promise!
        ~Peace~ ~ Love
        Over
        Hate
        ;(°_°);
        ;* *;
        *~ ~*

        ~Ochopee~

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        • CHRISSY HOW ANNOYING CAN YOU FUCKING BE FUCKING KILL YOURSELF!!!

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          • JP You are officially a twat

        • Dear Chrissy,

          Leave your biker boyfriend and come be mine,

          Sincerely,
          Every single guy on the internet.

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        • You go girl! Tell him off! Love it.

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        • lol well my future wife favorite saying was” You must have two cock’s because you can’t be that silly pulling on one” and i always responded with my favorite saying” You must have two cunts because you can’t be that stinky from just having one” anyway she has stopped saying it all together now. Hmmmm well iv learn’t that she can give it but she can’t take it ,just like most women,double standards.. ANYWAY’S my favorite two words i call the vagina is the ” Pig Trough ” because there’s really no way you can eat the cunt hole politely ,you just end up eating it like a Pig .

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        • Grow up, please… ignore the trolls. They’ve baited, that hooked, it sunk… and they reeled a great ol’ big one in.

          That’s for sure.

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        • Moose knuckle is the term used to describe a wrinkly old woman with rather large lips that could sink ships!!

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        • Wow, chrissy, get a fucking life. It was just a retarded comment that you cared way too much about; you were 50x more annoying, you dramatic, overly sensitive cunt.

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      • Good reply Chrissy

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      • That was hilarious Chrissy. Pretty much summed up my thought on his comment.

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      • You sir have too much spare time.

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      • Chrissy, if you have time to write all that and get offended off someones silly post, no matter how stupid it is, you should ask yourself who the real loser is… Just lending some insight. And don’t bother responding to this. I most likely will never visit this website again, seeing I have a life.Good day to all :) even you, you oversensitive twit.

        Post a Reply
  4. 1-Flange or flanj
    2- sheesh
    3- deep end
    4- sleeping korean
    5- old spice
    5- my little pony

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    • I have always called mine Yahoo, since i was little. then freaking yahoo.com came out. oh what fun my boyfriends had with that. lol

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      • Yahoo is a great name for a vagina. Rubbish name for an internet company, but grade-A vag material.

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      • it cant’ be a dick eater when it looks just like Road Kill . lol

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  5. Yup I still would as long as she doesn’t close her legs

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  6. Well written post, and informative. My personal favorite is damn close to yours: “hatchet wound”. It has a more lilting cadence than “axe wound” can elicit. One of my Indian (dot not feather) friends once remarked that “gates of heaven” was his favorite.

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      • I don’t know about anyone else but I think people should use every word instead of pussy still use that one though cause every sex video I watch they use pussy so I think use every single damn word in the world and on these words everyone else is coming up with on this list like vagagay or dick eater or pink taco if anyone dissagreEs please reply to this comment :)

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        • Sally – I don’t know if I agree or disagree with your comment because I don’t know what you are saying. Please use punctuation next time. Although if I had to guess at your meaning for the comment, I’m pretty sure I’d disagree.

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  7. we found this rather amusing my name is Kelsey Arnott and my axe wound is genuinely wounded!!!

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  8. My name is Gemma Hopper and I find this list to be rather useful, I am sick of being a victim of abuse due to my massive gaping wizzard’s sleeve, but if any of you lovely asian gentlemen would like to stick your purple headed yoghurt slinger up my bearded clam? any takers?????? 07811674749

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    • hey Gemma, i would love to sling my sea cucumber up your slimey chillie muscle.Get to know each other and shave your beard, then I could slide my throbin robin up your pink love tunnel

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  9. I have a few questions??????

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  10. Hope you like my paragraph :)))))

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    • Just being nice happy fourth of July ( early ). :)

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  11. LMFAO.Tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks.but as a woman, honey pot, flower are my faves.and pussy is just fine! MEOW OR ROAR! Choose your pussy!

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  12. The kraken. When I take notice of a good looking guy my friend likes to say “unleash the kraken!”

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  13. OMG!!! I’m laughing so hard with tears and it hurts. This made my day! Best site that has ever made me laugh this hard. My hubby and I would call the vag. “Hoo haw”

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  14. im from Australia cunt and if you cunts think your the only ones who use cunt your fucking wrong cunt btw im Scottish.

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    • You’re such a cunt. I’m not Scottish and I come from down under Ha!

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  15. I taught my daughter hootenanny. Sadly it wasn’t until later I realized that was another name for party.

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  16. The Man Cave!

    (can you guess where the door bell is??)

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  17. Fuck my ass bitches. Put your penis up my ass.

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  18. I have a name in my mind for vagina which I hope would be liked and praised by all as well which is “Vertical Smile”

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  19. I’ve called it a “peanut” my entire life as well as my entire family. without the shell of course. If Caucasian then it’s the same color and if it’s like mine is at the age of 27 and not all beat up like some it’s nicely closed without anything sticking out like meat flaps and has a nice slit! Oh and of course if it’s shaved bald the way I think all females should have it! Perfect little peanut. Only difference is peanuts aren’t a pretty pink color inside.

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  20. I like Arg Pdy’s “vertical smile.” I’m gonna use that one next time.

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  21. So was I was strolling down the mossy banks, when I saw a beaver get snatched by a giant hairy clam, then a pair of roast beef curtains slit the bald man in a boat, who had been eating blue waffles, into a poorly wrapped kebab. Then appeared the hoody lady, who had just had her ham wallet cut up by a ninja foot that was flying on a pair of beef flaps from the promised land of the quivering mound of love pudding. As I wandered further into the bat cave, I wore a vertical smile across my whisker biscuit. I then entered the wizards sleeve, where I encountered a rogue vajizzle wielding a twitchet powered by the sweet juices of pink tuna tacos. The great clown hole then took from its own cock pocket a fresh slice of lunch meat inscribed, “twat is happening? I cunt understand what kind of gumbo pot would allow it’s nappy doughnut to drop it’s muff in a love puddle”. This concludes the tale of Virginia poons and the search for the pink velvet sausage wallet…

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  22. HAHAHAHAHA! CUNTSUCKERSSSSS

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  23. You forgot Whisker Biscuit !!!

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