50 Great Names for Your Period

Pain. Discomfort. Irritability. No sex. Let’s face it, periods are rubbish.

…and that’s just for men. Believe it or not, husbands and boyfriends aren’t the only victims of shark week. Word is that periods aren’t much fun for women either. Still, you wouldn’t know it, such is the good grace with which they accept their monthly subscription in the mail.

Ladies, the following names won’t stop your cramps from hurting or your boyfriend from hounding you for blowjobs during jam week. But they might make you laugh – and grimace – just long enough to forget that there’s a cotton cigar parked in your baby chute. Girls, guys and special snowflakes who don’t conform to gender binaries: let’s do this. 50 great names for having a period.

This is why male-dominated advertising agencies are a bad idea.

Entry level names for a period

 

On the rag

On the blob

Jamming

Got the painters in

Painting the town red

Aunt Flo is visiting

Flying the Japanese flag

Lining the drawers

Shark week

On a ketchup diet

Struck down with girl flu

Surfing the crimson wave

Having the garage painted

Joining the cast of Pad Men

Little Red Riding Hood is making her way through the woods

Aunt Ruby is visiting

Checking in to The Red Roof Inn

Having a party at my pad

Experiencing technical difficulties

 

Boak names for a period

 

My ovaries are shedding

Riding the cotton pony

Leak week

Dripping dry

Dredging the love canal

Suffocating little white mice

The kitty is sick

My cup of joy is overflowing

The server is down

Losing my lining

Baby is in the corner

Riding the cotton toboggan

Birthing a blood diamond

Paging Edward Cullen

Parting the Red Sea

Black towel time

Stomach-turning names for menstruation

 

The tomato soup is on the boil

Getting my monthly subscription in the mail

Red wedding

Red sails in the sunset

Being dishonorably discharged from the Uterine Navy

Churning butter

Riding Red Rum

Flying my colours

Making pink lemonade

Expelling my hysteria

Carrie at the prom

Monkey has a nosebleed

High tide

The hunt for Red October

Rusty pipes

Too much sauce on the fish taco

Ordering clams with red sauce

Smoking a lady cigar

Closed for renovations

Massacre at the Y

There’s a volcano in the cradle of civilisation

Having a little ketchup with my steak

Arts and crafts week at Panty Camp

Blowjob season

Dracula’s teabag

★ End of sentence (“I have my end of sentence” i.e period)

Foreign names for having a period

 

Germany: Erdbeerwoche ( ‘strawberry week’)

Brazil: ‘Eustou Com Chico’ (‘I’m with Chico’ in reference to socialist Chico Mendes’ gruesome assassination in the 80s)

Denmark: Der er lommunister i lysthuset (‘there are communists in the funhouse’)

Finland: Hullum lechman tauti (mad cow disease)

 

B A S E D  F I N L A N D

 

Discover over 9,000 moar international names for menstruation here.

 

Ed Uncovered’s freshly ovulated names for period

 

Paying the female tax

Having an oil change

Being oppressed by the patriarchy

★ Conforming to gender norms

Defragging the hard drive

Wearing a raspberry beret

Being an uber-bitch

Visiting Crazytown

Making feminist art

Jamming with The Vamps

Having the carpet shampooed

Making my own lube

Skipping foreplay

Having a pre-abortion

 

By Ed Uncovered

 

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