Facebook. Snapchat. Tumblr. Instagram. Every year, the number of social media platforms vying for our affection increases. And, like the fools that we are, we scurry to love them. For me and 600 million others, however, there is one platform that rules them all – the micro-blogging platform we call Twitter.
We’ll flirt with Snapchat and pretend not to use Facebook, but Twitter is the baby we’d be lost without. No love is unconditional, however, which is why Twitter, despite its charms, can sometimes tire. If you’ve been tweeting for a while, there’s a good chance you might have slipped into a rut, a pitfall that affects most relationships at some point.
Are you tweeting the same shit, interacting with the same people and following the same accounts errday? If so, it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and out of that rut by spicing up your relationship. Follow these tips to make 2014 your naughtiest, funniest and most exciting year yet*.
*On Twitter. In real life, you’ll still be going through the motions. Probably because you’re always on Twitter.
6 ways to make Twitter more exciting
Create a stupid Twitter list
In my article on new year’s resolutions, I spoke about Twitter lists and how these can be used to arrange your interests by theme. Twitter’s list function isn’t just for srs bsns though: create a list entitled NSA Targets and watch people start freaking out as you add them. Or create one called Fuck, Marry, Kill and leave users’ guessing which verdict they’d receive. I have all kinds of useful Twitter lists. And then I have this one:
Start a novelty Twitter account
Create a fun account that you can use to indulge your love of 17th century poetry or Quidditch. Start a parody account of someone famous. Note: parody = taking the piss out of, not emulating their style. If I see another Ted or Alan from the Hangover parody account, I’ll scream. Because screaming always makes things go away on the internet.
Aside from my bitcoin account (which, to my chagrin, is more popular than my personal account), I run half a dozen other accounts for mates and clients. My favourite, however, is my latest venture, Pron Kween. Its purpose? To tweet genuine porn clips with hilarious titles. It’s stupid, it’s amusing and it’s a great excuse for watching weird porn.
Blonde Enjoys Some Cum On Pussy In A Living Room http://t.co/h6QV096IKW— Pron Kween (@pronkween) January 7, 2014
Because I can't fap to porn that's shot in the kitchen
Create an art project
Twitter may have been designed for exchanging news, but like any piece of technology it can be used any goddamn way you like. Get creative in 2014 by starting your own art project. Write a short story and break it down into tweets that are despatched over the course of a few weeks; take a bunch of other people’s tweets and drag them into Storify or use Twitter’s custom timeline feature to build up a story or poem. Take a common hashtag – #YOLO – and use the best tweets to create a tale about living life on the edge. Their words, your narrative. Reservoir Dogs is just one example of how Twitter can be used creatively.
Troll a celebrity
If you’ve been spending too much time reading the Daily Mail, you may have mistaken Twitter trolling with Twitter abusing. Trolling requires some degree of wit and ingenuity. Tell someone they’re a whore cunt who deserves to be raped, on the other hand, and you’re just being a dick. It’s not my job to teach you how to troll, but here’s an example of the sort of thing you could do:
1. Pick a celeb who deserves to be trolled. Like Katie Hopkins
2.Create an account called something like Hot Celeb News
3. Buy 5,000 fake followers for $5 from Fiverr so the account looks legit
4. Use a link shortener to disguise goatse then put it in a tweet that names your celeb: “10 Most Shocking @KTHopkins moments. You won’t believe #5 http://bit.ly/1iepL7Q” (If you need me to point out the NSFW-ness of that link, you need to learn to internet)
5. Wait for Katie Hopkins to click on goatse, freak out and block you
6. Laugh hysterically before moving on to your next celeb
7. Repeat with multiple troll accounts, occasionally switching goatse for blue waffle
Need more ideas? Create a Twitter rumour of a celeb (say, Katie Hopkins) being found dead, or better still, arrested for drugs/prostitution/Twitter trolling (oh the irony). Good with Photoshop? Shoop a pic of a celeb (say, Katie Hopkins) in a compromising position with a politician/binman/golden retriever. Tweet it out there and watch the butthurt commence.
How do you normally tweet? Get out of your comfort zone by tweeting in a completely different style occasionally. Not so crazy that people assume your account’s been jacked, but different from the cat GIFs and doge memes that are your stock in trade. Most of my tweets involve technology or attempts at humour, but sometimes I’ll tweet more evocative fare as a break from my usual routine. I’m not a big enough deal on Twitter for anyone to give a damn, but I’ll do it for my own enjoyment and for the challenge of tweeting different.
Christmas trees, discarded like last night's kebab, hug the pavement, their needles sullen and sallow.— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) January 7, 2014
One of my mates has a running gag that involves retweeting the same joke about being a mirror inspector. The more times he repeats it, the funnier it gets. Start your own running joke: tweet a pic of your morning face. Every morning. No make-up, no filter, no opening your eyes if that’s too big of an ask. It’ll give you a reason to wake up in the morning, even if it’s a stupid reason. Or try using Vine to create stop motion clips of your beauty routine (scary to sexy in six seconds). If you’re a bloke, upload a Vine every day of you pissing off a building or in increasingly ridiculous locations.
Mirror Inspector is the type of job I could really see myself doing.— WOLFPACK 01 (@SilverAutomatic) January 1, 2014
Pay it forward
Would you like to have more Twitter followers? Of course you would! Because you’re awesome and the world deserves to learn about your awesomeness. Instead of asking what Twitter can do for you, try asking what you can do for Twitter. Fuck the big guys; search out interesting people with a low follow count and turn their button blue.
Twitter etiquette in 140 chars: Star sometimes, RT often, hashtag sparingly, don't be boring, RT mates > randoms but only if they're funny.— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) September 10, 2013
Look out for the little guys (the interesting, deserving little guys), pay it forward and spread the love. Be yourself this year on Twitter, but be the most interesting, entertaining and creative version possible. You’ll make Twitter more enjoyable for yourself and you’ll make it more fun for the rest of us.
Also from Ed Uncovered