First up, apologies for the link bait. And the listicle format. And the general stupidity of the title. 8½ Reasons Why Men Have More Fun Than Women – is this meant to be journalism?
No, it’s not. But hey, it’s fun. And as you may have previously noted, we do this stuff better than BuzzFeed. Just.
Forthcoming Ed Uncovered features include a guide to Leith (sober this time), an epic review of the year and a how to on circumventing ISP censorship. Today is list day though because I just couldn’t wait till Friday, such was my enthusiasm for rustling the female species.
Gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts. It’s time to have some fun.
8½ Reasons Why Men Have More Fun Than Women
1. We spend less time getting ready. And more time drinking
In all honesty girls, we’d love you as much if you applied a quick dash of lipstick and headed out the door with us. If you will insist on spending hours in front of the mirror, we’ll appreciate your appearance, but not as much as we’ll appreciate the additional time with our mates. See you down the pub.
2. We don’t suffer from guilt
I’m not talking about sexual guilt (although we don’t do that either) – I’m talking food guilt. Men don’t eat any healthier than women; it’s just that when we do devour filth, we enjoy it rather than agonising over whether “this is going straight to my hips.”
Also, we don’t get bloated after eating – we get full. Oh, and we get to eat 500 calories more than you. Every. Single Day. That’s an entire cupcake.
3. Our stag parties involve strippers and cocaine. Your hens involve champagne and spa treatments
At least that’s what you tell us. You wouldn’t get up to anything mischievous behind our backs… w-would you?
4. We talk less
Less time chattering = more time doing men stuff. My gf does all the talking in my relationship – and in all her mates’ relationships. In fact the only reason I’m writing this blog is cos it’s the only chance I get to address her without being interrupted.
5. If we’re promiscuous, it’s applauded. If women do it, it’s slutty.
Let’s be honest, this arrangement smacks of hypocrisy. This isn’t an article about sexual disparity however: it’s a piece about who has the most fun. Men don’t do the walk of shame: they do the stride of (straight) pride.
Also, we can enjoy a one night stand without getting romantically attached. Come to think of it, we can enjoy an entire relationship without getting romantically attached. Easy come, easy go.
Cum on her stuffed animals so she always remembers you
— Cause We're Wasted (@CauseWereWasted) November 27, 2013
6. Men get to point and shoot
Having a penis is great. Not because of sex (vaginas get just as much) but because we get to aim at stuff. Every time we pee, it’s like a game of skill. The ability to point and shoot also makes sex better because we get to jizz on stuff. On you mostly.
You know that really pleased expression men wear when they come? That’s not because of the intensity of the O. It’s because we’re just delighted to be spraying our porridge gun errwhere. It’s a puerile thing. You wouldn’t understand.
Oh, and while we’re on the topic…
7. Men have more orgasms
Men fap all the time to all the things. In fact I’m fapping while writing this piece. What’s more, we always finish during sex. Sure, women have multiple orgasms, but let’s be honest: a multiple of zero is still zero.
8. Men know what they want
Hey, we may be dicks, but at least we’re consistent. None of this “I don’t know how I feel. I kind of want it, kind of don’t” bullshit. Ladies: we want all of you all of the time, but we’ll settle for having some of you some of the time.
8½. We get better as we get older
Men go through life acquiring knowledge. Women go through life acquiring lipsticks. This arrangement serves women well in their 20s: beauty beats brains. But when the first wrinkles start to appear, men’s humour and world knowledge shines through. Banter beats botox.
Finally, men have more fun because their superior strength ensures the zombie apocalypse is an event to be eagerly awaited – not dreaded.
Men: we’re not better than women; we just have more fun. All the time. Until we die prematurely of stress.
Who rule the world?
Ladies, if you’re not feeling suitably rustled right now, I’ve clearly failed at my job. Instead of channelling all that rage against your long-suffering partner, use it productively:
Next week, I’m going to publish the counterpart to this piece, because that’s just how it works. Use the comments section or Twitter to list some of the many reasons why women have more fun than men.
Better still, if any girls want to go one better and write next week’s blog, be my guest. Submission instructions are right here.
You’ve got one week to dish the dirt on us patriarchal pricks. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to do the honours myself and you wouldn’t want that, would you?
After all, I’m just a guy. What would I know about women?