Image: The Dudes of Hazzard
Peeing is great fun. That much we can all agree. At least those of us who pee standing up can agree. For womankind, peeing is an annoyance at best and at festivals a complete nightmare.
For mankind, however, peeing is less a chore and more a competitive sport. It’s about seeing who can go highest, furthest, longest. Writing names in the snow. Filling cans on the bus. Stashing bottles under the bed. Peeing is the original dick-waving contest.
It begins at primary school when boys encounter urinals for the first time. While some kids content themselves with the primary one pee (stood at the urinal with trousers round ankles), others are busy trying to spray the highest golden arch. Much to the chagrin of the school cleaners, it turns out that boys can pee pretty high. Like, past the tiles, up the wall and out the window high. And that’s where it all starts.
For the next 60 years, the average male will stumble through life pissing on as many things as possible. Wheel arches. Bathtubs. Girlfriends. All are fair game.
The greatest thing about being male isn’t the ability to fap over anything or reverse park at the first attempt. Sure, that stuff’s handy, but ultimately the biggest difference between the sexes comes down to one thing – peeing.
Girls get multiple orgasms and to boast about their sex toys (fleshlights are still something of a taboo in male circles). In return, guys get to jizz on stuff and piss on stuff. That’s just how it works.
No cool story ever began with the words “I was just sitting down to pee when…” Sorry girls, this blog isn’t for you. Unless you can perform some truly awesome piss acrobatics, in which case we want to know about it in the comments below. Preferably with an accompanying Vine.
Epic piss is epic
What follows is something of a personal triumph. The product of sleepless nights and intense deliberations, this list has been made with a fervour normally reserved for papal elections. EU’s 10 Things section is full of lists, but this, without doubt, is my magnum opus: the greatest list I’ve ever made.
Top Five Pees Of All Time
Late night in Glasgow, c. 1999. Jumping down an alleyway just off Buchanan Street, I pissed all over myself. Miraculously, I didn’t get wet. That’s because I was pissing on an abandoned mirror while the urine splashed against my doppelganger. It felt good man.
One drunken night c. 2010, I stopped for a piss on Vennel, a stair-lined close just off the Grassmarket. EU’s silent partner, Ravi, decided to take a slash at the same time. Our warm jets intersected like golden swords, and we suddenly found ourselves in an almighty piss battle while our lady friends watched from a safe distance. Bladders were drained. Stairs were soaked. War was waged.
One drunken night (can you sense a recurring theme?) I found myself at Moshulu in Aberdeen c. 2003. Me and a mate (we’ll call him ‘Bob’) decided to ‘break in’ to the second room of the club, which was closed this particular evening. Once inside, we helped ourselves to drink from behind the bar. When the time came to piss, we were scared to leave the room for fear of being spotted…so settled for pissing in the DJ booth before grabbing a case of VK and bolting out the fire exit.
On the train from Aberdeen to Edinburgh c. 2004, me and the gf boshed a pill. I started coming up just as we got into Waverley and, needing to piss, stumbled up the stairs and onto the roof of the shopping centre. As I whipped out my cock, the clock struck midnight and fireworks exploded above the castle while I watched, mouth agape, piss streaming, ecstasy tickling my dopamine receptors. Epic.
My all-time favourite piss occurred in Aberdeen c. 2002. I was living in an old fire station that had been converted into student accommodation. My room was in the original fire tower, which soared high over the surrounding cityscape. A few feet above my door, set into the wall, was a rusty ladder leading to the top of the tower. One drunken night, I found the fortitude and the agility to grab on to the bottom rung of the ladder. From there, it was a short shimmy up the vertiginous tower face. At the top, I climbed over the railing and stopped to savour the city lights that coruscated like tiny gemstones. Then I done a piss. It plummeted over the edge, falling for what seemed an eternity, before noisily spattering all over the bonnet of a parked car. I never did like Volkswagens.
My worst ever piss happened on 12th April 2008. Me and a mate (we’ll call him ‘Bob’) alighted at Glasgow Queen Street after two hours of steady drinking – Bison Grass Vodka and apple juice, for the record. Busting for a piss, we exited the station and found a quiet corner of the car park. We turned round and were greeted by two British Transport Police who had witnessed the whole act. The aspiring cops took our details and warned us we might receive a letter from the procurator fiscal in due course. Sure enough, three months later our letters arrived. Bob’s informed him that he would not be prosecuted on this occasion. Mine informed me that I would be prosecuted with a £50 fine. I decided to contest it in court, because I’m a stubborn bastard like that. I went on to spend £150 in train fares travelling from Aberdeen to Glasgow just to fight a £50 fine. Worst piss ever.
Got an epic piss story to share? Stick it in the comments below. Guys: Tell me how your piss stories piss all over mine. Girls: Prove me wrong. Tell me your cool piss stories. In forensic detail please.
Looking back at my favourite pees of all time, I’m struck by how many of them occurred years ago. What does it say about a man’s life when even his best pees are behind him?
They might have long since returned to the earth, but those pees are now immortalised on Ed Uncovered. It is my fond hope that one day, when my daughters are older, they’ll find this blog, read it and go ‘Eww, Dad!’
I just listed my top five pees of all time. What have you done today?
Feet together. Knees bent. Cock in left hand. Phone in right. 2013. This is how we pee. #UrinalTweets
— EU (@whisperednothin) July 18, 2013