Yesterday, we rattled through all the cool shit that happened in the first seven months of the year. And now, it’s time for the thrilling season finale…
August was the month when the Fringe came to Edinburgh, bringing with it slow-moving tourists, sub-standard comedians and a fuck ton of flyers. There were also some great comedians and talented thespians in the city; sadly I wasn’t sent to review any of them. Worst Fringe show? Probably a toss up between Brigadoom and Stuart Laws. My Fringe highlight was laying the smackdown on Spotlites after the theatre company threw a hissy fit and censored my reviews.
The resultant story wound its way into the Guardian and appeared at the top of Google, ensuring that anyone searching for the theatre company in future would be directed to an Ed Uncovered article entitled Spotlites Fail Hard.
Which is tragic.
On a less vindictive note, I made it abroad for the first time in seven years, and celebrated by blogging from an internet cafe while blazing a fat zoot.
The main story we’re not supposed to have laughed at in August concerns the Peru Two, who were arrested trying to leave South America with eight kilos of bam bam in their luggage. When quizzed, they promptly blamed the patriarchy for forcing them to travel unescorted to the other side of the world to collect drugs. Last time I checked, they’d changed their tune and confessed to the crime that the rest of the world already knew they’d committed. In fairness, it shouldn’t be a crime to smuggle eight boxes of prang out of Peru, but sadly it is, which is the only reason why I’ve never attempted it.
Miley also pulled some shit in August which swiftly turned into a quest to out-whore herself with every passing month. The Daily Mail had a field day, the op-eds op-eded and millions of men screamed “Moar!”
#1: Now that 'twerking' and 'selfie' are in the dictionary, I really don't give a shit how we leave the planet for our kids.— GSElevator (@GSElevator) August 28, 2013
Meanwhile, Bradley-soon-to-be-Chelsea Manning’s trial concluded with a punitive 35-year sentence.
Miley, the Peru Two, Edward Snowden and Bradley Manning all appeared in Ed Uncovered’s third-most popular post of the year, 18 Trendy, Topical and Tasteless Halloween Outfits which was published in late August.
Girlfriends are like Adobe Flash updates: you can only ignore them for so long.— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) August 2, 2013
Well, this is it. The last episode ever of Breaking Bad. Thank you for sharing this ride with me. Without you we never would have lasted.— Bryan Cranston (@BryanCranston) September 29, 2013
September was the month when we mourned the passing of Breaking Bad. It was also the month when Ed Uncovered officially Got Its Shit Together and I began writing prolifically. To put things in context, in the first eight months of the year just 22 articles were published. In the 3 ½ months since August, there’ve been 58.
During September, I introduced the Best/Worst category to the site, recounting some of my most retarded exploits, starting with The Best Piss Ever. The world’s most eagerly anticipated game – GTA V – finally arrived, Filth was released at the cinema and I found out why Asians take so many photos.
#1: Uggs season. Pumpkin spice lattes. And a new iPhone... It's the white girl trifecta.— GSElevator (@GSElevator) September 12, 2013
2013 was also the year we finally ‘fessed to our incurable technology addiction. And then went back to playing with our phones.
If I'm ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand— Holly Anne (@HollyMemphis) August 25, 2013
I began October at the bottom of a hole, financially, physically and literarily. The month picked up though, with a slew of new articles on Ed Uncovered including Who’s On Your Hit List? and The Worst Sleep Ever, inspired by a night I’d recently spent kipping in a graveyard.
Throughout October, the NSA revelations continued unfolding with the tl;dr on the whole scandal being that the NSA is watching everyone all of the time everywhere.
NSA director stepping down to spend less time with your family. http://t.co/hTQ1x8lq90— Dave Gilson (@daudig) October 16, 2013
"It's Breaking Bad meets..." - Every scriptwriter for the next ten years.— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) October 3, 2013
The biggest story in October was the arrest of Ross Ulbricht aka Dread Pirate Roberts, the boss of drugs marketplace Silk Road. Its closure impacted upon the American public far more than the shutdown of their government, which we all agreed, had been doing fuck all aside from spying indiscriminately and raping civil liberties.
While DPR’s arrest was tragic, this happened, proving that every cloud does indeed have a silver lining:
What’s more, less than two months later, Silk Road 2.0 was up and running, demonstrating the pointlessness of the war on drugs. Shortly after Silk Road’s shutdown, bitcoin began climbing in price, leading to a slew of good luck/bad luck stories such as this one.
I mean, when the guy running Silk Road – Dread Pirate Roberts himself – can't order a decent hitman, what hope do the rest of us have?— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) October 4, 2013
September was around the time when the internet began to get sick of BuzzFeed and its listicle shit. There’s nothing wrong with the list format – hell, Ed Uncovered publishes one every Friday – but BuzzFeed’s one-trick approach was seriously starting to grate by this point.
Best line: "There are calves raised for veal that expend more energy than the average BuzzFeed writer."http://t.co/snAqV51lj9— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) October 25, 2013
Top Ten Reasons Why Journalism, In Its Present Form, Can Go Fuck Itself— ★ (@JLLLOW) October 3, 2013
Oh, and Lou Reed became broon breid.
Finally, this tweet happened, which, looking back, seems eerily prescient:
SEQUEL IDEA: "Fast & Furious Se7en". The entire cast and crew are sadistically murdered, to stop them making any more Fast & Furious films.— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) October 25, 2013
Halloween 2013 will be remembered as the year of Breaking Bad costumes. While many people chose to go as Heisenberg, I went one dumber and dressed as Walt Jr, having an A1 day in the process.
November was a memorable month on Ed Uncovered, largely because it only happened last month and thus I can still remember most of it. Article topics included boners, cocaine, fapping, joints and murder. Ed Uncovered’s most successful local article of the year appeared in November: 10 Reasons Why Edinburgh is Better Than Glasgow, which went viral (by Scottish standards), clocking up a fuck ton of shares, comments and butthurt.
A onesie - What the Queen calls a selfie.— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) November 19, 2013
Rebecca Brooks and Andy Coulson – yes those two cunt-faced scrotums – went on trial at the Old Bailey, accused of being shocking journalists and shit-tier hackers. Toronto mayor Rob Ford admitted to being a crack fiend, Zimmerman got arrested again and Upworthy and ViralNova took over from BuzzFeed to become The Most Annoying Thing on The Internet. Elsewhere, Twitter unanimously declared its support for #TeamNigella.
Interesting read: "I knew Ian Watkins for 17 years and never saw this coming."http://t.co/kfqx7kjNgu— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) November 29, 2013
Ian Watkins pleaded guilty to doing things that no one thought possible and vengefully decided to drag his namesake down with him.
LOL: Celeb news website E! says it "deeply regrets" using an image of Ian H Watkins from Steps on its story about his disgraced namesake.— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) November 29, 2013
The best opening line ever: "Rob Ford, an unstoppable force powered entirely by crack and the disdain of N. America"http://t.co/GCwH72R7oH— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) November 19, 2013
In fairness to George Zimmerman, he had just discovered his girlfriend was a bag of Skittles.— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 18, 2013
Meanwhile, David Cameron’s War on Fapping continued un(mast)abated.
When David Cameron announced his war on porn, he was merely trying to save us from being blackmailed by the NSA.— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) November 27, 2013
Bitcoin, which had started the year around $12, passed the $1,000 mark on 27th November. Yes, I could have been a thousandaire instead of having three fiddy to my name.
Cool hard luck story bro.
We did it. $1000 bitty. Hats off gentlemen. pic.twitter.com/0jb0UDtwcx— Bitcoin 101 (@Bitcoin101) November 27, 2013
$1,000 dollar bitcoin. We live in strange times. pic.twitter.com/uiltDVAXNb— Bitcoin 101 (@Bitcoin101) November 27, 2013
November ended on a sombre note with the Clutha helicopter crash in Glasgow.
If you need me to recap the month we’re only halfway through, you’ve clearly been smoking more weed than I have. OK then: NELSON MANDELA DIED.
Anatomy of a Twitter Death— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) December 6, 2013
3. "Too soon!"
4. Political agendas
5. Point scoring
On Ed Uncovered, December brought the site’s second viral article of the year (again, by Scottish standards) when I broke the story of The Secret Plumber. The mainstream media then waded in, with the tale making its way into The Guardian and Edinburgh Evening News who plagiarised my entire story but didn’t bother acknowledging the source. Cunts.
As well as being the year of Snowden, the year of the twerk, the Harlem Shake and the selfie, 2013 was also the year of the drone. Amazon drones; Yemen drones; drones errwhere.
NSA snooped on online fantasy gamers is one way to put it. NSA paid a bunch of people to play online fantasy games is another way to put it.— Matt Stoller (@matthewstoller) December 9, 2013
And that was 2013.
Looking back, I appear to have omitted a few of this year’s biggest stories including the deaths of James Gandolfini and Corey Monteith, the release of the PS4 and Xbox One, Doge, Google Glass and the entire western world, myself excluded, joining Netflix. But fuck it, you shouldn’t need me to tell you everything that happened in 2013. After all, you were there, right?
Rather than joining Netflix, I give my uncle a tenner every month and tell him I don't want to borrow any of his DVDs.— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) December 17, 2013
Yesterday, in part one of Bigger, Badder, Twerkier: The Ultimate Review of the Year, I promised to publish the best songs, tweets and selfies of 2013, but as usual I’ve rambled on for too long. Return here on Thursday instead and we’ll finally put this thing to bed with Sounds and Selfies – 2013’s Greatest Moments.
Sad that our fun on Ed Uncovered is over for another day? Check out my pick of the year’s best articles below. Tomorrow, it’s back to business as usual as I search for Edinburgh’s best burrito . Burgers are so last week.
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