[quote_center]“Soldiers kill other soldiers…everyone involved knows the stakes and if you are going to accept those stakes, you’ve got to do certain things. It’s business.” – Tony Soprano[/quote_center]
Murder is wrong. Murder is always wrong. Sometimes though, murder is necessary.
You’re being blackmailed. Someone threatened your life. A driver blocked you in. Your mother-in-law keeps nagging.
What you gonna do?
Kill ’em, that’s what.
Like the Heimlich manoeuvre, murder should only be used as a last resort. But when it does happen, you have to get it right. No witnesses. No confessions. No regrets. #YOLO.
Murder is wrong, but if you really, absolutely must kill someone, the important thing is that you leave no evidence. Otherwise, the greatest victim will be yourself.
Getting away with murder
1. Plan it through
The beautiful thing about premeditated murder is that you get to premeditate it. So make the most of the opportunity. Don’t just plan your alibi: perfect every last detail and account for every possible eventuality, no matter how remote. Should you treat the bathtub with water repellent before going full Heisenberg? What if your car breaks down? What if the GPS in your sat-nav gives you away? If you get flashed by traffic cops, will you pull over and sweat it out or speed off into the distance? If you haven’t rehearsed your plan, your contingency plan and your backup contingency plan, don’t be surprised when you spaghetti at the first sign of danger.
For the purposes of this article, we’re going to assume it’s one person you’re murdering and not an entire race. With genocide, it’s kind of hard not to let things escalate. Otherwise, try to keep the body count pegged at one – unless someone sees you, in which case blow their brains out.
3. Tell no one
Murder is performed on a need to know basis and the only person who needs to know is you and the victim. Do your job right and they won’t be talking to anyone. If you breathe so much as a word to your spouse, they will stick you in. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but one day – possibly the same day you’re caught ball-deep in the au pair – they will dob you in and it’ll serve you right.
4. Lose the body
There have only been five successful murder convictions in Scotland where a body was never recovered. Lose the body – for good – and the odds are stacked overwhelmingly in your favour.
5. Don’t off your nan
Killing family members is wrong on many levels. Firstly because you’ll later regret it – no matter how much the cantankerous old bag deserved it. Secondly, you’ll get caught. Familial murders always end in a conviction. Plus it’s your nan FFS. What’s wrong with you?
6. Have a solid alibi
Plan a watertight alibi. Preferably not a human one, as humans have a nasty habit of squealing when pressed by the po-po. Find an ingenious way to account for being elsewhere at the time of the murder. Leave your smartphone behind and let triangulation data prove you were nowhere near the locus. Schedule a tweet to auto-post at the time of the murder. Program a simple macro to simulate internet browsing activity on your desktop computer. Be original and be smart. Your freedom depends on it.
Confuse the feds by making the murder look like a ritual killing. Get creative and write “Satan’s Whore“ on the wall with your victim’s entrails. Let’s be honest: we’ve all fantasised about it.
8. Plant false evidence
The best way to beat a murder rap is by getting some other sucker convicted. Leave a strand of your enemy’s hair near the scene of the crime. A month earlier, anonymously email the victim from an internet cafe near the ‘suspect’s’ house. Emulate the writing style of the ‘suspect’, whose grammatical tics will be all over their social media accounts. When the internet police trace the IP, it won’t take them long to connect the dots. Flummox the bizzies by leaving a series of red herrings that would have Miss Marple scratching her head.
9. Don’t hire an undercover cop
This one may sound obvious, yet you’d be amazed how many contract killers turn out to be undercover cops. The only way to arrange a hit without revealing your identity is by finding a hitman on the deep web and paying in Bitcoin. Dread Pirate Roberts – yes the righteous dude who ran that drugs marketplace – paid for two hits in this manner. If anyone knew his way around the deep web, it was the Silk Road overlord. Wrong. Both times, his contract killers turned out to be…that’s right, undercover cops.
10. Don’t kill your partner and then move your lover in
This is just plain dumb; anyone this retarded deserves to end their days fapping in an orange jumpsuit.
11. Enjoy it
Everyone wonders what it feels like to kill a man. Few get to experience it. Savour the moment. Embrace the evil.
[quote_center]TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!” – Patrick Bateman[/quote_center]
Learn to internet. Having read this article and taken its advice to heart, you need to delete your cookies, clear your browsing history and purge all trace of it from your computer. If you clicked on a link to get here, you’re fucked – Google or Facebook will have already tracked it. If anyone in your apartment block dies in the next 12 months, congratulations: you’re suspects one, two and three.
True story: Just as I finished writing this article, my phone buzzed to signal a new email. It was my Brazilian Portuguese Word of the day. Today’s entry? Cadáver.
A polícia achou dois cadáveres na cena do crime.
The internet knows.
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