Dublin Uncovered

 

 Us humans are never satisfied. We demolish a line of coke and then want another one. We watch the American Pie trilogy and then demand a Reunion to sate our lust for MILFs and fapping. Landed on the Moon? Set course for Mars. Banged one of the Olsen twins? Lust after the other. Banged both of the Olsen twins? Crave the incestuous threesome.

If it wasn’t for human greed, we’d still be aping around in the swamps, banging jawbones against rocks and settling for second best. Avarice and avidity may rank as mankind’s greatest weaknesses, but they are also our greatest strengths. Why be happy with what you’ve got when you can be even happier with even more? Bigger, longer, uncut. The sequel, the prequel, the 3D remake.

It was this ‘Gimme more goddammit!’ mindset that inspired EU’s latest evolutionary leap. First there was Edinburgh Uncovered, which launched in 2011 promising to ‘strip away the layers that make up Scotland’s beguiling capital and expose its beating heart.’

The evolution of Ed Uncovered.

12 months later, Edinburgh Uncovered became Ed Uncovered to coincide with its move to a new domain, complete with moar profanity, moar lulz and moar memes. While this site is still rooted in Auld Reekie, these days it’s as likely to be debunking the zombie apocalypse or loling at LinkedIn’s demise as it is to be reviewing trendy cocktail bars.

Where next?

Sooner or later, even Tiger Woods finds himself staring into the mirror and reluctantly conceding “I think I’ve banged enough slutty white women for one week. Tonight I might just keep my dick in my pants and play some X-Box.”

Elin Nordegren

You can have anything you want from me Elin, provided it’s not my undivided love.

One day, I too hope to reach a similar level of satisfaction: the point at which even an impeccably-trimmed vagina leaves me shrugging indifferently. Right now though, my lust for all things Uncovered is enjoying a honeymoon period. I’ve just married Elin Nordegren and all I can think about is spreading my seed elsewhere.

As such, I am extremely proud – and aroused – to introduce the latest addition to Ed Uncovered’s stable of slutty white whores:

 

Dublin Uncovered.

 

Do you see what we did there? Yep, that’s right: we took the Ed Uncovered brand (yuk!) and moved it 209.88 miles south west. It’s a concept that’s breathtaking in its simplicity, and yet….

…hang on…

….phew. Sorry, I was just struggling to regain my breath in the face of so much win. So as I was saying, Dublin Uncovered is essentially Ed Uncovered’s slutty younger sister. Different writing team, different city, same high-quality lowbrow humour.

 

Who the hell is Dublin Uncovered?

I’m EU and he’s DU – it’s that simple. DU is one of the few guys I trust to take Ed Uncovered’s reputation and drag it further through the gutter – and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Patrick Bateman Doubles Guy

I swear this is the last time I’m using this image.

Although we’re separate entities, we share much in common: we hate the same bands, hail from the same region and even use the same hair products, though I have a slightly better haircut.

As for the writing itself, EU and DU are both obsessed with the lulz, but adopt completely different literary styles.

“It’s clean and it’s predictable but it’s also consistently good.  Basically, Pizza Express is sex with an ex”Ed Uncovered.

“Drinking in the Bull & Castle is a lot like having sex with a long-term girlfriend: you know there’s not going to be much variety, it’s not going to be the best night of your life, yet at the same time it’s comfortable; familiar; welcoming; and no matter how often you go there, it never quite loses its appeal”Dublin Uncovered.

See? Completely different styles.

 

“Burn Everything. Add Cheese.” – Eddie Rocket’s Secret Recipe.

Of course, if you don’t hail from Ireland, odds are you’ll have less cause to spring a semi over DU’s withering assessment of Eddie Rocket’s, deliciously worded as it may be.

That’s OK though; perhaps you’ll find it easier to relate to its scathing rant about toilet attendants, or its universally-applicable Yo! Sushi review.

Dublin Uncovered

Just as most Ed Uncovered readers hail from that vast expanse of territory known as The Internets, enjoyment of Dublin Uncovered is not dependant upon one’s proximity to the Emerald Isle.

To prove my point, I’ll leave you with some choice quotes from the fledgling Dublin Uncovered. Read, lol, then browse DU and prepare to lol some more. Just make sure you return to EU when you’re done, otherwise I may have to bitch slap my slutty Irish sister for stealing all my readers, and when I bitch slap, I lash out with a stiletto heel in hand.

Today is all about Dublin Uncovered.

Tomorrow (an ever-shifting concept round these parts) I’ll be wooing you back here with such delights as Five Ways to Drink With Your Mouth Shut and How to Commit the Perfect Murder.

Take it away, DU. My work here is done.

Manly hugs,

EU.

Dublin Uncovered

Don’t stare too long – you’ll have a seizure.

 

The best of Dublin Uncovered (so far)

 

This pub is Cinderella’s carriage, only instead of turning into a pumpkin at midnight it turns into a scene from Jersey Shore” – DU on The Living Room.

 

A gussied-up buffet is still a buffet, in the same way that Kim Kardashian in a Vera Wang dress and a pair of Christian Louboutins is still a whore – DU on Yo! Sushi.

 

It’s so middle-of-the-road it’s like listening to an album consisting entirely of Dido covering Katie Melua songs” – DU on The Bull & Castle.

 

Unable to focus on the menu you opt for the old favourite; the doner kebab, with its whopping 1000+ calories, 150% of your RDA of saturated fat, and enough salt to melt a small eskimo village – DU on Eddie Rocket’s.

 

By the time you’ve knocked back 8 pints and 6 Jagerbombs, picked up a game-looking tart in McGowans, vomited, had a fight with a couple of knackers and waved your cock at some gardai, this piece of shit will taste like it was cooked by Heston Blumenthal, garnished by a naked Katie Perry and wrapped and served by God himself” – DU on Abrakebabra.

 

Expect to see yuppies, Jack Wills-types, occasional minor celebrities and D4 girls with grating faux-American accents and names like Chelsea “oh my gaaawd”-ing their way through tedious conversations about holidays in Dubai and how they should like, totally take part in the next nude bike ride protest against whatever environmental outrage they read about on The Guardian iPad app that morning” – DU on The Bar With No Name.

 

—★★★—

Clickety Click

★ Dublin Uncovered

★ DU on Twitter

★ DU on Facebook

DU writes about EU (It’s a blog within a blog about a blog)

★ Allana Morrison (swirly image creator and all-round kick-ass photographer)

 

 ⇦ Dublin Uncovered on Twitter.