So you’ve just broken up huh? And your first thought was to Google ‘how to handle a breakup’ ? I like your way of thinking. ‘Brain, you can’t solve a problem of this magnitude – I’m going to have to ask the internet’.
Well, you’ve come to the right place. It’s a cruel world out there, as anyone who’s clicked on Goatse will attest. Thankfully, in Ed Uncovered you’ve found a friend who cares. This weblog is known for its pragmatic and compassionate approach to the sort of issues that affect us all from time to time.
How to breakup without breaking down
Life doesn’t work that way. But then again, this isn’t life, is it? It’s a digital facsimile of life, disseminated OTI for absorption IRL. In other words, I can write whatever I like – and you can take it however you like. If this advice helps you get over a breakup, I’ll be delighted. Conversely, if it only serves to dredge up painful memories and compound the heartache, I’ll be similarly delighted.
After all, I’m only here to help you waste time on the internet. I’m not your shrink.
There may be pearls of wisdom locked inside this blog, but they’re completely Anne Frank, which is why you’ll have to search hard to find them.
Today’s article is addressed to the ladies, though its dubious advice is applicable to both sexes. Don’t text your ex until you’ve read this.
How to handle a breakup like a boss
Everything feels worse when you’re dumped – apart from music. When you’re on the fast train to Dump City, it’s as if every tune that comes on the radio was written for you. Each song perfectly describes the love you won, lost and smothered in a roll of carpet – the most tragic love of all. Happy songs become bittersweet; sad songs become sobbing-quietly-at-the-beauty-of-it-all sad. A song like Break Up, for example, will invariably culminate in you sobbing on the phone to your ex as you plead for a second chance. It’ll hurt bad, but it’ll also hurt real good with a frisson of misery so intense, it’ll be like coming up on swedgers for the first time.
Break Up by Bang Dirty: so sweet, but oh so sad.
Sadly for womankind, we still live in a sexist society that believes that men who sleep around are men, while women who sleep around are sluts. Until this entrenched attitude changes, there’s no way for a girl to sleep with all her ex’s mates without being branded a slut. The solution? Embrace the sluttiness.
Don’t just fuck his mates – fuck his mates’ mates, and then their mates’ mates. Fuck so many of his mates’ mates that before long you’ve worked your way through Kevin Bacon and the only virgin left on the planet is your brother – who’s cowering under the bed. All those dicks won’t bring happiness, but they’ll feel good at the time, and what’s more, it’ll make your ex mad as hell.
Nothing rustles a guy like a partner who doesn’t ‘do’ girls – only for her to later eat out like a Spree card-holder. Ladies: do it with your best mate – and then text your ex a teaser. It’ll make him super jelly and it’ll make you feel like a saucy minx, even though girls lezz off all the time just for the lulz and it’s no big deal – apart from your ex, to whom it’s a seriously big deal. Oh, he mad.
As everyone knows, ‘finding yourself’ is code for finding eight Italian cocks slapping against your face as you grimace for the camera that’s pressed uncomfortably close – though not as uncomfortably close as eight greasy knobs, admittedly. Italy’s full of culture, beautiful landscapes and great food. It’s just a pity you won’t see any of it.
Nothing will help you appreciate the joy of sex and drugs like a spell away from sex and drugs. Prison’s no use; the average jail contains more drugs than Lance Armstrong’s bedpan, but monasteries are still largely free of such vices. By the time you’ve endured 12 months with an order of monks, you’ll be gagging to take the first cock that’s thrust at you – even if it’s your ex’s.
The only way for a drug-free spell to end is by doing drugs. So do them – sooner or later you’re gonna have to; might as well make it now. Drugs are never the answer, but they’re a great way of killing time when you don’t have the answer to hand. Eventually you’ll have to come down and face up to the breakup, but so long as that mood-killer is another dunt away, there’s nothing to worry about. The only answers that matter right now are waiting for you on the mirror.
Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has clearly been taking the wrong medicine. That said, learning to laugh – at yourself, at your mates and at your dickhead ex – will help you to cope with life in all its shades of motherfuckery.
This may read like the world’s most useless break-up advice article ever, but if it’s made you laugh – or even coaxed out a hint of a semblance of a grin – then it’s stopped you thinking about him or her for a few minutes. Should you need more medicine, choose some other Ed Uncovered articles to read. If symptoms persist, go and see your doctor, because when all else fails, there’s always valium.
As one article on breakups noted: “An MRI study… found that the recently dumped show elevated activity in several brain regions, including those that control obsessive thinking, anger suppression, and output of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with risk taking.”
In other words, you’re destined to have a one night stand within a week of being dumped. May as well lie back and enjoy it.
Speaking of risk-taking, next week Ed Uncovered will be publishing An Idiot’s Guide to Gambling, with the help of a special guest blogger. If you’re going to gamble – be it for the lulz or to block out life – you’d better do it right.
Breaking up is bad. Breaking even is good. Running good like Breaking Bad is even better. We’ll show you how.
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