As readers of this blog will attest, I’m a big fan of the police. Without Britain’s finest busting small-time weed dealers and jailing Twitter trolls, this country would be overrun by rapists and paedophiles. Thus, imagine my consternation upon learning that yet another upstanding police sergeant had been imprisoned for selling secrets to that fine pantheon of journalistic integrity, The Sun.
Just think: without the po-po dishing dirt on B-list celebs, the tabloids would be forced to print proper news – a spectre that none of us wish to entertain.
To prevent more of our beloved officers from being locked up with weed dealers and Twitter trolls, I’ve decided to make a stand. Today, I am proud to publish a guide that every copper will surely cherish: How to Sell Police Information to The Sun – Without Going to Jail and Getting Butt-Raped in the Ass.
pig police officer may struggle to find Google without the aid of Yahoo, but that’s OK – Ed Uncovered’s step-by-step guide is so simple that even a highly decorated sergeant could follow it.
Rozzas: are we ready? Donuts down and thinking caps on. Concentrate, cos here comes the science…
How to Sell Police Information (Without Getting Caught)
Step 1: Go to torproject.org and download and install the Tor browser.
Step 2: Launch the browser and go to http://jhiwjjlqpyawmpjx.onion/ . Create a Tor Mail account under a false name and sign in.
Step 3: Congratulations. You now have an anonymous email account.
Step 3b: Can’t get Tor to work, or scared that the Deep Web may lead you to loli pr0n? Here’s an alternative:
Go to BlackVPN.com
Purchase a VPN (Virtual Private Network).
Connect to the internet using your shiny new VPN. (Just follow the instructions – it’s so easy that even a beat officer could do it.)
While connected to your VPN, go to Hushmail.com and create an email account.
Every time you access this email account, make sure you’re using your VPN (AKA being behind 7 proxies.)
Step 4: Using your Tor Mail or Hushmail account, email The Sun newsdesk. Tell them you’ve a juicy story about Peter Andre’s cleaner’s mum. (Hint: Don’t give them your real name or badge number.)
Step 5: Once The Sun have verified and published your exclusive scoop, you’ll have established a concept that us civilians call ‘trust’. (Google it, using Yahoo if you have to.) You’re now in a position to start selling stories.
Step 6: Go to MultiBit.org and download and install a bitcoin wallet.
Step 7: Open the wallet. Where it says ‘receiving address’ you’ll see a long string of numbers a bit like this: 13UYQBGxHJrGKJwapZBcV5LPRqtLx4X8c5. Believe it or not, that’s your receiving address.
Step 8: Email The Sun and inform them of your even bigger scoop concerning One Direction’s ex-roadie. Tell them to send payment in bitcoins to your receiving address.
Step 9: ????
Step 10: PROFIT
And there you have it: ten simple steps to claiming one meeeelion dollars in bitcoins. And the best bit? You won’t have to sacrifice your freedom or your anal virginity in the process.
Police sergeants of Great Britain: you’re welcome.