In part one of Uncovering the Deep Web, we found out how easy it is to buy guns and rent hackers. We also appraised the services of a fixer who can supply everything from slaves to snuff films.
In part two, we’re going to visit darker pastures – yes, darker even than drugs, guns and snuff. I’m talking about death, the final frontier.
Ordering an execution on the deep web is easy. The hard part is deciding which anonymous vendor to entrust with your bitcoins.
First up we have the charmingly named Unfriendly Solution which cuts through the BS and gets straight to the point:
I will ‘neutralize’ the ex you hate, your bully, a policeman that you have been in trouble with, a lawyer, a small politician… I do not care what the cause is. I will solve the problem for you. Internationally, cheap and 100% anonymously.
Lest there be any doubt as to our hitman’s credentials, he continues:
Let’s start off with the things I can say about me. I’m in this business for 7 years now and have operated under several different names. I have gained endless experience(s) in this 7 years. It has changed me a lot. I don’t have any empathy for humans anymore.
“Anymore”. So you had empathy when you started your hitman service?
Our mercenary’s modus operandi is as uncompromising as you would expect of a man whose empathy levels are running on fumes:
You also tell me how you want the victim to get neutralized. I do almost everything from a simple shot between the eyes to only using my bare hands. If you personally know the victim you will hear from the incident. (NOTE that I always give my best to make it look like an accident or suicide).
> Shot between the eyes or strangled
> Make it look like suicide
Who might the operator behind Unfriendly Solution be: a paramilitary psychopath, an undercover fed or a bored 14-year-old? Finding out shouldn’t cost you your freedom – but it’ll certainly cost you a few bitcoins.
If you’re not convinced by the merits of Unfriendly Solution, fear not – alternative hitmen are ten a satoshi on the deep web.
Hitman Network looks more legit. Its website is slick (by deep web standards at least) and it even has a pricing guide. That said, if you’re choosing an assassination team on the merits of their website, you’re doing it wrong.
Ultimately, it’s the final product we care about. What can Hitman Network offer that its peers can’t?
We are a team of 3 contract killers working in the US (+Canada) and in the EU. Once you made a “purchase” we will reply to you within 1-2 days, contract will be completed within 1-3 weeks depending on target. Only rules: no children under 16 and no top 10 politicians.
These guys would appear to tick all the boxes for an A1 assassination team:
- Global coverage
- Few morals
- Poor grammar
The last point is important: I don’t want my contract killers to have impeccable grammar. I want them to write with the stilted English of Eastern Europeans who are battlefield warriors, not keyboard warriors. The sort of heavies to whom Kosovo is a fond memory.
My only concern with the Hitman Network is that they won’t touch the world’s top politicians. (You know you’ve made it when contract killers categorise you as Too Well Protected to Kill). Thankfully, I know a place where no one is off limits – not even the President of the United States…
The Assassination Market
Neatly flipping Wikileaks’ slogan, The Assassination Market states “We close governments.” The site promises safe, secure, crowdfunded assassinations; I like to think of it as a killstarter. It explains its methodology as follows:
1. Someone adds a name to the list along with some information.
2. People add money to the dead pool.
3. Other people predict when that person will die, but the content of the prediction stays hidden until after the fact.
4. Correct predictions get the pool.
In plain English, this means that the bounty on the head of a public figure rises as people make donations. When the bounty reaches a suitable level, it will entice someone into capping the victim. The killer could be you, me or anyone else who could badly use some bitcoins (or who simply hates politicians, which makes everyone a suspect.) After the murder has been carried out, the assassin can claim their bounty using some clever cryptography that proves they correctly predicted the date of the killing prior to conducting it.
At present, the highest bounty is for Ben Shalom Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve. Kill Ben and you can claim a cool ฿124 – about £70,000 at time of writing.
The bounty on James Clapper, in comparison, is a mere ฿2. TBH, I’m kinda hoping it stays that way, as if anyone caps the NSA Director, I’ll face questions for having included him in my article Who’s on Your Hit List? In mitigation, I did recommend sparing Clapper from the ultimate punishment, suggesting that he be “Waterboarded and detained indefinitely at Gitmo with intermittent force feeding.”
The Human Experiment
Final port in our whistle-stop tour of the deep web is The Human Experiment, a notorious website that claims to perform live testing on human subjects. Although almost certainly fake, it’s a fascinating place, if only as a testament to the depravity of the human imagination.
It cheerily explains:
The warehouses are left unguarded and the test subjects are confined to their cells unless they are being used in an experiment. Nutritional status is irrelevant as none of the test subjects survive long enough, except the pregnant women….the bodies of the dead are dissected and then disposed of in dumpsters of meat shops where their bodies will not be found.
So that’s what lurks on the deep web: guns, drugs, sex, torture and hitmen. Curious? Then go take a look. (Instructions for getting online can be found in part one.) Like all marketplaces, there’s no obligation to buy, though should you feel compelled to have the world’s 11th most famous politician bodied, go for it.
In summary then, the deep web is full of intriguing sites and interesting wares – the bulk of which are probably fake. There are also ‘legit’ marketplaces, including Silk Road, where you can order most of the items described above – and what’s more there’s a good chance they’ll arrive at your front door, or at your nan’s flat if you’re an ultra-devious MF.
In 2014, Ed Uncovered will return to the deep web and sift deeper to dredge up more treasures for your entertainment. For the record, there are all kinds of nice things you can do on the deep web; things that don’t involve drugs, sex and guns. But where would the fun be in writing about that?