What did we do before Twitter? Ah, who cares. Given that everything on Twitter has a lifespan of precisely six minutes, it’s hard remembering what we wrote 140 characters ago, never mind struggling to recall how we interacted in the Dark Ages of the Internet (aka the early noughties).
Now it’s 2013 and we’re hopelessly addicted to Twitter, along with a bunch of less insidious vices including crystal meth and chipotle. Given that our voracious internet habit shows no signs of abating, we may as well embrace it and squeeze every last drop of enjoyment out of everybody’s favourite micro-blogging platform (a phrase I promise never to use again).
Twit me up
In fairness to Twitter, it’s got a lot going for it: it’s not Facebook for a start, and unlike the rest of the web’s big companies, it hasn’t been complicit in handing your data over to the NSA, albeit because its users tweet incriminating shit on a public-facing website, negating the need for a secret indictment or government-mandated backdoor. It’s all there in your timeline: the rage, the butthurt and the time you called Dick Cheney a n–––– because he was being a n––––.
Given the Twittersphere’s notoriously short attention span, I’m going to stop flirting with the N-bomb and cut to the chase: here are the 10 best Twitter accounts of 2013. No debate. No argument. We’ll save all that for Twitter. Here, on Wordpress, Ed Uncovered’s word is gospel (though feel free to use the comments section to disagree with everything I’ve written).
Some of these accounts will make you smarter. Some will make you more socially aware. And then there’s @NewspaperDickz, which will help you appreciate the mirth-inducing properties of a well-placed phallus.
The srs bsns can come later. Let’s start things off with a big bag of dicks.
Derided by the internet as 20th century relics, newspapers endure a torrid time. They’re always out of date. Their circulation is falling. And they’re more interested in framing ‘coke shame’ celebs than getting to grips with The Biggest Mass Surveillance Programme in the History of Civilisation. Now, just to compound the misery, someone thought it would be a great idea to create a Twitter account featuring newspapers that have been defaced with dicks. Bravo.
"The [print media] are becoming more irrelevant as each day passes. They no longer write the news – they write the first version of history"
— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) June 24, 2013
Every slut, swagger and shagger under 25 knows who Hunter Moore is. Ed Uncovered first delivered the tl;dr on Hunter in October last year before going on to interview America’s favourite asshole. In the press he’s described as an internet pornographer, revenge sex playboy and The Most Hated Man in America. The truth is Hunter Moore is all of these things rolled into one, which makes him a troll – one of the greatest trolls of our generation no less. Hunter Moore: Come for the boobies. Stay for the lulz.
Sometimes i finger bitches with one hand over my ear, calling myself 'dj clittles'
— Cause We're Wasted (@CauseWereWasted) June 25, 2013
Double Jake is Topiary, aka the genius behind @LulzSec’s epic Twitter adventures. Regular readers will attest that Ed Uncovered has something of a literary crush on the simple prankster turned swank garden hedge. Jake’s previously been canonised and eulogised here, here and here. Here too in fact. Dammit, this Topiary adulation needs to stop.
You cannot arrest an idea.
— Topiary (@atopiary) July 22, 2011
You can arrest an idea, you can imprison an idea, you can warp an idea, you can break an idea, but you still can't lick your own elbow.
— Jake Davis (@DoubleJake) June 23, 2013
Social media managers with Digital Branding degrees would kill for Topiary’s tweets. @DoubleJake is the account that @BetfairPoker wishes it was. Whatever you end up doing Jake, please don’t go and work for Coca Cola. The internet loves you just the way you are.
Twitter recommends following Rupert Murdoch. #PRISM needs to spy on my preferences better.
— Jake Davis (@DoubleJake) June 23, 2013
We’ve had Newspaper Dickz and Hunter Moore; now it’s time for a couple of serious accounts, starting with Glenn Greenwald. As you may recall, he’s the Guardian journalist who broke the NSA PRISM story and who’s been fighting Edward Snowden’s corner ever since – as well as vigorously defending the public’s right to know what its government is getting upto. Glenn Greenwald is that rare thing: a journalist who actually investigates shit. Allow his righteous rhetoric into your timeline and the world will start to make sense.
How is leaking to a newspaper and informing one's fellow citizens about secret govt behavior "espionage"???
— Glenn Greenwald (@ggreenwald) June 21, 2013
To lazily plagiarise ourselves, EU wrote last year that “Jacob Appelbaum is a security researcher, developer and leader of the Tor project which helps people anonymise their internet browsing (so they can look at pr0n). He’s also an outspoken critic of government tyranny and best buds with the other JA – Julian Assange. In short, he’s one of the good guys.”
Once, I thought surveillance coverage would be considered a kind of wealth and power in the future. I was mistaken – that is our present.
— Jacob Appelbaum (@ioerror) June 25, 2013
If you give even the slightest fuck about The Bigger Picture and All The Bad Shit That’s Happening In Our World, give Jacob Appelbaum a follow. He’s a genuine hero.
And now for the rest…
Best Activism Accounts
One of the longest-running Anon accounts, AnonymousIRC is prone to disappearing off the internet for weeks at a time. When it does tweet, listen up as it generally means that shit has just gotten real.
Don't try to fool the Internet. You will fail.
— Touya Akira (@ClipperChip) June 25, 2013
Asher Wolf: She’s an Aussie, she’s a feminist and she tweets a lot. These may not sound like the ingredients for a great Twitter account, but Asher is awesome because she speaks her mind and doesn’t care who she pisses off.
How hard would it be to convince Ecuador to offer free, unlimited visas to all hackers?
— Asher Wolf (@Asher_Wolf) June 24, 2013
This satirical account is as sharp as a jilted NSA analyst. If only all three-letter agencies were this humorous.
The more rights you give up, the more secure you will feel.
— U.S. Dept. of Fear (@FearDept) June 25, 2013
Best Scottish Accounts
Finally, closer to home, these are my favourite Scottish tweeters. Some are mates and some are randoms but all of them have something to say about something.
An exiled Scot in Dublin. Far funnier than his follower count would suggest. Go add a digit onto that shamefully low number and make his day (he’s easily pleased).
I wonder if Joan Rivers actually went to her plastic surgeon and said "I want to look like Shrek's cum face"?
— Sliced Bread Simpson (@5ea5erpent) June 8, 2013
Another exiled Scot, this self-deprecating writer is sharp and sardonic. He also runs a rather good blog at DanielAgnew.org.
Dundee ousts Aberdeen for the UK City of Culture '17 list. No surprise as Aberdeen is a privatised oil hub with shopping malls for culture.
— Daniel Agnew (@DanielAgnew) June 19, 2013
Edinburgh/ex-Aberdeen lass who’s smart and funny. A lethal combination.
Is James Gandolfini the price we have to pay for Thatcher this year? Screw you, universe.
— kirsten inneski (@kirstenin) June 20, 2013
When she’s not banging on about her beloved football team, The Sock Thief provides excellent commentary on the minutiae of everyday life.
How can rice cakes be 30 calories a pop? They're 90% air.
— SerialSockThief (@serialsockthief) June 18, 2013
Writer, filmmaker, runner and all round entertainer. When he tweets, people (sometimes) listen. And so they should.
My Devil's Advocate article this week: Why it’s great that governments are spying on us | STV http://t.co/u4SRzYOMxJ
— Michael MacLennan (@m_maclennan) June 14, 2013
Provided you weren’t counting too closely, you’ve just read The 10 Best Twitter Accounts of 2013. Any glaring omissions? Stick ‘em in the comments below or send a barbed tweet in EU’s direction.
Moar from Ed Uncovered
- The 10 Smartest Twitter Accounts (And Why You Need Them In Your Life)
- The 10 Dumbest Twitter Accounts (And Why You Should Be Following Them)