Twitter is a wonderful tool. It enables us to flame complete strangers, troll unsuspecting n00bs and catch breaking news before it’s broken. It also allows us to waste an inordinate amount of time at work – time that should be spent more productively, perving on Facebook and ogling cupcakes on Pinterest.
Of all the first world problems to afflict mankind, this has to the most vexing: How do you decide who to follow on Twitter?
With half a billion accounts vying for your attention but space for just a few hundred in your feed, you’ll have to be ruthless. Who ya gonna follow?
You could choose to exercise your discretion and seek out Twitter accounts whose users espouse analogous values and interests that you can ascribe to, but let’s face it, that sounds too much like hard work. Far easier to defer all decision-making to a sagacious entity that can choose for you – Ed Uncovered.
After all, you already outsource every other facet of your leisure time, allowing Hollywood, Sky and Simon Cowell to dictate your culture, rather than actually making the effort to converse with that thing you’re dating. It’s easier, isn’t it, to kick back on the couch, stuffing sour cream Pringles in your mouth while you ponder whether to spend the afternoon shopping in Hollister or murdering the wife, kids and pets before slinging a rope over the pull-up bar in the garage.
Now that I’ve insulted my entire readership, we can get to the point of this pointless exercise: identifying the dumbest Twitter accounts that you really, really ought to be following in order to make your fatuous existence that little bit more retarded.
OK, that really is the last of the baseless insults, I promise. I dunno what’s wrong with me today; I haven’t even started on the Buckfast yet. We’ll blame the weather. We’ll blame violent computer games. We’ll blame anyone other than the person to whom the blame should be squarely directed, because that’s how it works in today’s sloping shoulders society: no one wants to face up to the fact that they’re a vacuous oxygen thief whose banter would compel a cistercian monk to break a decade-long vow of silence to snarl ‘Shut the fuck up faggot!’
Phew….alright, gimme a sec, gimme a sec. Deep breaths. Happy thoughts. OK, I think the roofies are starting to kick in now. Let’s do this before I obliterate the rest of EU’s once-loyal readership. Here we go:
The 10 Dumbest Twitter Accounts (And Why You Should Be Following Them)
1. Hector Salamanca
DING DING DIIIIIING DIIIIIING DING DIIIIIING DING DIIIIIING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DIIIIIING DING!!
— Hector Salamanca (@H_Salamanca) July 16, 2012
Thanks to Breaking Bad, meth labs are no longer the preserve of southern hicks. Now hipsters and fashionistas are kitting their NY loft conversions out with enough glassware to produce 4lbs of banging crystals in a single cook. One of the show’s most memorable characters is Hector Salamanca, the ailing Juarez cartel boss who can only communicate by dinging a bell. Now Hector’s embraced the social media revolution and gotten his invalid ass on Twitter. He’s good at it too – the above tweet has had over 2,600 RTs, proving that it’s not what you say – it’s how you say it, a sentiment which translates roughly as DING DIIIIING DING.
2. Need a Debit Card
‘Please quit posting pictures of your debit cards, people’ reads Need a Debit Card’s bio. The people don’t appear to be listening though, which is why NaDC is compelled to keep retweeting their fail to the masses.
Laugh at the tards who post photographs of their bank cards. Alternatively, stifle your laughter, jump on Amazon and start ordering them dildos by the boxload. Only once maxing out the vic’s debit card can you sit back and allow yourself to laugh until spaghetti comes out your nose.
Nailed it! That's a wrap!
— One Tweet Tony (@OneTweetTony) June 13, 2012
Like the rest of the accounts in the top ten, this one’s pretty dumb. In fact it’s full potato. But hey, I didn’t say these Twitter accounts would improve your life, merely that you should be following them. Given that Tony’s entire tweet history is reproduced above, you may wonder what the point is in following a dormant account. One Tweet Tony should be followed so that if he ever does tweet again, you can instantly denounce him as a sell-out before blocking and unfollowing.
Some of us devote hours to cultivating a Twitter following; Tony fires off a single tweet and instantly gains 2,000 followers. Damn you, internet. Damn you to hell.4. Big Ben
It’s a clock and it goes bong. Every hour, on the hour. What else do you need to know? For those who don’t live within earshot of the iconic clock itself – and thus have no fucking way of telling the time – Big Ben: The Twitter Account is a punctilious godsend. What with Hector’s bings and Big Ben’s bongs, your Twitter feed will soon read like a Pink Floyd song being described to the deaf.
BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG
— Big Ben (@big_ben_clock) August 31, 2012
If you’re reading this tweet at 5 o’clock, you’d better be feeling duly freaked out right now.
It may not have seen any action since last summer, but LulzSec’s twitter account still has 360,000 followers – not all of whom are bots. Why? Because, whatever your take on LulzSec’s achievements during their 50-day reign of terror, it can’t be denied that they were lulzy as fuck. Today, their Twitter account serves as a stellar example of how to do it right on the internets. One year deceased and it’s still gaining followers.
Let’s face it: Twitter is a far duller place without Topiary taking requests to determine whose website should be DDoS’d next with the lulz cannon and tweeting LulzSec’s switchboard number so that ‘Pierre Dubois’ and ‘Francois Deluxe’ could field calls from the masses. The lulz, frankly, just haven’t been the same since their crew were all v&.
Botox, to me, doesn’t even count as plastic surgery. But out of his own nervousness, man is always eager to point out his neighbor’s faults.
— KimKierkegaardashian (@KimKierkegaard) July 18, 2012
The philosophy of Søren Kierkegaard mashed with the tweets and observations of Kim Kardashian. This is what the internet was invented for, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a poopy straight-laced infosec netizen.
7. Savage Seagull
Rummaging through the bins round the back of Chicken Cottage again. #Livingthedream
— Savage_Seagull (@Savage_Seagull) August 28, 2012
Savage Seagull is a cantankerous Aberdonian who likes nothing more than to steal chips off unsuspecting kids before bragging about it on Twitter. Our only gripe is that the foul-mouthed avian doesn’t tweet often enough. Go follow him, @ the bastard and tell him to up his tweet game. If more toddlers have to be deprived of their lunch just to sate our lust for lulz, so be it.
8. 50 Sheds of Grey
'Use me,' she whispered, moistening her lips with her tongue. 'Alright,' I said, 'Hold the ladder while I creosote the shed roof.'
— Fifty Sheds of Grey (@50ShedsofGrey) August 21, 2012
Like several of the accounts featured in this list, 50 Sheds is hugely popular. If you aren’t already following it, get on board – it’s the only 50 Shades of Grey spoof it’s acceptable to like.
My girlfriend kills me after sex. #MantisProblems
— The Mantis (@WhoDaMantis) August 9, 2012
Not content with having an entire blog dedicated to his exploits, The Mantis has now wormed his way into our Twitter top ten. He may be a shameless attention-whore, but we must confess to having a soft spot for the moth-killing one. Not only is he a genuine praying mantis IRL, but The Mantis has his own Twitter account which he runs from a corner of the Ed Uncovered office. We’d like to stress, incidentally, that the staffers here at EU don’t run WhoDaMantis – he tweets all that stuff by himself. Srsly.
When I killed my first moth, my mom got scared and said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air!'
— The Mantis (@WhoDaMantis) September 1, 2012
10. Curiosity Rover
— Curiosity Rover (@MarsCuriosity) August 21, 2012
Curiosity Rover isn’t dumb – it’s a pretty smart piece of kit, aside from its shitty 2MP camera. What is dumb however is that NASA are allowing this high-tech contraption to tweet from Mars when it should be concentrating on the task in hand: discovering shit. The rest of us get reprimanded if we’re caught tweeting at work; why should Rover get away with it? Dumb stuff, unless it were to emerge that NASA’s social media dept was tweeting on behalf of Curiosity Rover, but that explanation seems ridiculously far-fetched and thus can be discounted out of hand.
By a strange twist of fate, 'Curiosity Rover' also happens to be my dogging nickname. #Mars
— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) August 6, 2012
11. Ashlee Brittany
We don’t know what Ashlee Brittany’s game is, but we know enough to know we like it. So much so that we sneaked her in at number 11 on a list that was only supposed to go up to 10. How Spinal Tap. When she’s not tweeting personal details about the band members she’s banged, Ashlee can be found behaving like a funny, sassy, dirty little whore. We here at Ed Uncovered have a soft spot for funny, sassy, dirty little whores. Who doesn’t?
Best Celeb Twitter Accounts
Do God, Jesus and Kim Jong-un count as celebrities? They do on Twitter. If you haven’t already done so, let this holy trinity into your life and allow their awesomeness to permeate your feed. Religion may be deader than the Dead Sea Scrolls, but if you’re not following The Almighty on Twitter, you deserve to go to hell.
Dammit. The universe is at 3% and I can't find My charger.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) August 16, 2012
Follow @whisperednothin ⇦ Ed Uncovered on Twitter. Hardly essential, but definitely dumb.