Did you hear the news? Like, the hold-the-front-page breaking news? As in, the biggest story to drop since…well, since the last one?
It’s the biggest scandal since 9/11. It’s the moon landing and the Kennedy assassination rolled into one. The story of the decade; how could you have not heard about it? Bitch, troll harder.
Actually wait a sec…
Of course! You haven’t heard the news because there’s no way you could have heard the news, is there? How could you with Twitter being down? Without Twitter, there’s no way anyone could be expected to have heard the news, cos let’s face it: we long since abandoned the traditional media and embraced Twitter as our single source of gossip, scandal and salacious rumour-mongering. No Twitter = no news. It’s that simple.
So now we’ve established that you clearly haven’t heard the news, I guess I’d better break it to you: Twitter – it’s down.
I told you this thing was big.
So Africa, you think walking ten miles for clean drinking water is a bitch? Try going three hours without Twitter.
— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) July 26, 2012
No Twitter means no news, but worse than that, it means none of the touchy-feely bitchy-bitey social media interactivity stuff we’re used to being drip-fed on a rolling basis. Twitter serves as an outlet for the in-fighting and back-stabbing that binds us together. With Twitter tango down, there is a real danger that the internet could become sanitised – civil even. I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna live in a fucked-up cyber place like that.
Low self-esteem? Try quoting your own tweets in your personal blog. Works wonders on the ego.
— Ed Uncovered (@whisperednothin) July 26, 2012
Wait, it gets worse…
Amidst the brouhaha surrounding Twitter’s unexplained absence, spare a thought for the real victims in all of this. As the BBC explains, this calamity occurred ‘a day before thousands of fans are expected to start tweeting about the Olympic Games’.
Never mind the 500 million insignificants who use Twitter on a daily basis – think about the Olympics. If fans can’t live tweet their thoughts on the women’s dressage, the entire Games might have to be cancelled. This doomsday scenario elicits the Athens Olympics of 1896, which famously ground to a halt after a DDoS attack crashed Twitter’s servers. (Srsly, guise. I read this on Wikipedia so it must be true.)
Earlier, as Twitter inexplicably went full potato, social media aggregators slowed to a trickle before drying up altogether. Soon, even the tumbleweed had stopped blowing across Tweetdeck, which resembled something out of 28 Days Later, its cyber streets abandoned and fallow.
Twitter’s downtime may have been bad news for the Olympics, but there was a lagniappe to be savoured: it provided an unprecedented opportunity to step AFK and experience the world IRL.
For example, here’s what I could have done while Twitter was down:
- Taken a stroll in the park
- Completed all my outstanding writing jobs (OK, some of them)
- Cleared out the body parts rotting under my bed
- Had an awesome wank
Here’s what I did instead:
- Wrote a blog about Twitter being down.
I could have achieved so much, but instead I made this. Why? Because, like half a billion other freaks, I have a raging hard-on for Twitter – so much so that I can’t bear to leave her alone, even when she blocks me and goes offline for an hour.
You think you love Twitter? Bitch, please. I love her so bad I stole her panties so I could drape ’em across my face and catch the vapours while spaffing furiously all over my chest.
That’s right Twitter: I smell your panties.
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the internet…
In Twitter’s absence, the working world ought to have enjoyed a flurry of productivity, using their new-found time to finish off reports, feng shui offices and piece interns over the photocopier.
Here’s what they actually did:
- Refreshed Twitter every two minutes and jumped on Facebook out of desperation only to feel dirty, briefly contemplate visiting LinkedIn and then come to their senses and refresh Twitter again.
Twitter may now be back, but for how long? And more to the point, do we even know what caused the outage? I’ve no wish to engage in idle speculation (this isn’t Twitter after all), but we’re entering a crucial phase of 2012. For the next fortnight, all eyes will be on the 30th Olympiad as the Games unfold in London. Security is virginally tight in the capital, with fighter jets patrolling the skies, graffiti artists on lockdown and missile launchers perched on tenement roofs, packing enough powder to blow London back to the Stone Age.
And yet, amidst all the clamour to terror-proof the Olympics, it seems they neglected to guard its achilles heel – Twitter.
All it takes is a dirty bomb from a terror cell, aimed squarely at Twitter’s servers, to crash the entire Twitterverse and plunge the world into turmoil.
It’s the perfect crime.
Twitter may have recovered from today’s attack, but what happens if the terrorists try to use a bigger bomb, or strike at multiple data centres? The only solution, if we are to have any hope of safeguarding the Olympics, is for the UK government to launch a mass cyber-surveillance programme to spy on all web users and weed out would-be troublemakers.
NEWSFLASH: Apparently they already have such plans in the pipeline. Well done UK. Cracking down on graffiti artists, Olympic copyright infringers and now a national internet surveillance bill in the offing. This is shaping up to be the friendliest Olympics yet.
Still, look on the bright side Britain: At least you didn’t cause the North Korean football team to storm off the pitch after mistakenly displaying the South Korean flag…oh, bitch, you di-un’t, did you? Dafuq? Damn, UK, you went there!
Jester’s Sacrifice Saves Twitter?
That Twitter should be downed the very same day Th3J35t3r has his Twitter account suspended is the cruellest of blows. Otherwise, his proprietary PLG tool could have traced the bad guys and retrieved their web browsing history – just as the British government intends to do with the entire country.
Twitter is back, but it was a close run thing. We may have won the battle but the war is far from over. Tonight though, let us celebrate and make merry: RT lame jokes, tweet Instagram pics of your food and follow parody accounts with reckless abandon.
We’ll tackle the UK gov’s cyper-spying and Jester’s cyber-laming in future blogs on Ed Uncovered. For now though, my work is done. Now I’m off to tweet about it.