Making burgers is easy. Everyone does it.
The burger is the catch-all, can’t fail food for all occasions. Searching for a safe option on the bar menu? Choose a burger. Cooking dinner at the beach? Choose burgers.
Choose life, choose a job, choose a career and choose a family, but mostly just choose burgers.
Wannaburger can cook a mean burger. That’s no surprise. It’s their job after all. Besides, as we’ve already established, any idiot can toss a beef patty in a bun and add a garnish.
Burger-making is an art, but it’s finger-painting art, the sort that eight-year-olds and octogenarians alike can attempt. Despite being Officially Easier Than Falling Off a Log, it’s surprising how many establishments fail at this rudimentary task; chain pubs stuffing barely defrosted burgers between barely defrosted buns; McDonald’s restaurants selling McDonald’s food. Hell mend them and all who eat their inscrutable fare.
With a core philosophy of selling fast food at low prices, Wannaburger shouldn’t be much cop. There’s no table service. Kids go there. The entire menu can be recited in less time than it takes to view a Snapchat.
So why does Ed Uncovered have such a soft spot for Wannaburger?
Cos they sell burgers, that’s why. Juicy pink burgeryness with salty anorexic fries. But wait, it gets better – they sell beer. Real beer in plastic glasses. Oh, and did we mention that they have pagers?
You know those plastic gadgets that went out of fashion around the time that Biggie was popped? Wannaburger must have gotten a bulk deal cos they’ll happily dish one out to any sucker who walks in and orders a £3.99 hamburger.
There is one small catch admittedly: you must return the buzzing pager before they’ll hand over your sizzling meal. It’s a small price to pay, for the lure of 90s tech pales in comparison to the lure of a stacked burger.
Despite being modelled on a US diner, the Americanisms extend no further than compelling patrons to fill their sodas and broadcasting pointless American sports. Americlaps might tolerate IndyCar but they certainly wouldn’t tolerate restrooms so remote it’s quicker to pee yourself and drip dry.
Still, these are minor trifles, especially when there’s the the Special of the Month to entertain. Wannaburger’s specials consist of stuffing every ingredient in the fridge between two buns. Which is fine, as that’s exactly what a special burger should be. There are also hotdogs, but let’s be honest: going to a burger joint and eating a hotdog would be like going to a whorehouse and having a fap.
Beloved by students, families and anyone else with a rumbling stomach, Wannaburger dispenses simple fare which, like all great vices, is best enjoyed in moderation.
When you fail at making burgers, you fail at life. Wannaburger make making burgers look easy. So they should.
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