this pic is going to get me into trouble with princess

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Bucket list (n): a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime.

Everyone has a bucket list these days. Countries to See Before I Die. Marathons to Run Before I Die. People to Kill Before I Die.

Having a bucket list is healthy; it reveals a sense of ambition. It’s human to hope and dream. We dream about exotic places and we dream about great sporting events, but mostly we dream about sex.

So why not make a bedroom bucket list? A wish list of all the sexual escapades you’d love to tick off but are too timid to initiate. Nothing worth having ever came easy, but the sooner you start planning, the sooner you can complete your bucket list.

Complete all 50 items…

  • In 20 years: Sexsation
  • In five years: Lothario
  • In a week: You filthy pervert

one does not simply squirt across a stumblerThis isn’t my bucket list. This isn’t your bucket list. This is the people’s bucket list. It’s a template to be mashed up and slapped about as you see fit. Vaginal sex is fine, but it’s time to think outside the box. Like a hipster’s outfit, sex is supposed to be different.

Some of these suggestions are for straight men; some are for straight women and some are for people who swing whatever way the wind’s blowing. Choose the ones that entice you and discard the rest.

Are you ready to get dirty? Then let’s do this.

Ideas for your bedroom bucket list

  • With your hand. Because a journey of 1,000 miles starts with one small fap
  • With a dildo
  • With a double-ended dildo
  • With dildonics
  • Anal sex
  • Slack vagina. A bucket within a bucket list
  • Bondage
  • With a fattie
  • With your own gender
  • A trannie

 

the best pussy in the sopranos

  • Mile high club
  • In space. Zero gravity cumshot!
  • With someone young (but legal)
  • With a virgin
  • Threesome
  • Orgy (a threesome with +1s)
  • MILF
  • GILF
  • With a chode (Link NSFW )
  • With a squirter
  • With a condom (just this once)
  • Gigolo/Escort. Not with a gigolo – as a gigolo
  • In public
  • Golden shower
  • With a hooker
  • Identical twins
  • Cousins
  • With someone from each continent (Hard mode: when you reach Antarctica you have to fuck a seal)

 

 

seal is a seal yo

No, not you

 

 

  • With someone dead famous
  • With someone dead and famous
  • With a posh bird/bloke (“Dirty cows!” remarked my mate as we were brainstorming this piece. “They love that black cock cos it pisses their dad off.”)
  • Break up sex
  • Make up sex
my girlfriend wishes i was james mcavoy

Just for you, Princess

 

  • Sex with the gas oot (autoerotic asphyxia)
  • Forbidden sex. Not illegal forbidden, but with someone you really shouldn’t be piecing, be it your mate’s bird or your boss
  • Glory hole

 

Moar Filth

  • censorship is a terrible thingRape (a rape fantasy, not the real thing. FWIW, more girls harbour rape fantasies than guys.)
  • With a cop. I hate five-oh but would happily demolish a policewoman in uniform
  • With someone pregnant
  • One leg. I wrote ‘one leg’ in my notes but can’t remember whether I meant sex with an amputee or sex while standing on one leg. Best bet is to tick off both – though not at once or you’ll majorly rustle the amputee you’re fucking
  • Mother/Daughter combo. Yes.
  • With food
  • With a midget
  • With the cat or dog watching (watching, not participating)
  • With strangers watching
  • Racial minority. With whatever race is hard to come by in your part of the world, be it black, Asian or Eskimo. Is Eskimo porn a thing?

*Goes and checks*

Yes it is. God, I love the internet.

The cucumber: a popular vegetable. Also an anagram of ‘cum Bruce’

The cucumber: a popular vegetable. Also an anagram of ‘cum Bruce’

  • With an outie vagina
  • On Viagra
  • In an altered state of consciousness (drugs)
  • With a floppy
  • With a sex doll
  • With a vibrator/fleshlight
  • With a massive dong (U mean with my own dick, amirite?)

Finally, just to pique your curiosity in porn (always a hard sell, I know), here are some of the more exotic categories from a typical porn site, Cliti.com. If you’re on your lunch break, you might wanna finish your sandwich first…

Cum bucket list

a serbian film is a wholesome movie for the entire family3D, Acrobatic, Adorable, Aerobics, Alien, Anal Gape, Angry, Armpit (confession: I came in an armpit once. What’s more, it wasn’t mine), Balcony, Banana, Baseball, Bear, Bicycle, Bitch, Bizarre, Bunny.

CBT (cock ball torture), Cigarette, Clothed Pissing, Creampie Eating, Dentist, Drooling, Hirsute, Hogtied, Machine Fucking, Medieval, Milk (“Bitty!”), Mummification, Old Farts, Pegging, Perverted (apparently the aforementioned categories don’t fall under Perverted).

Pizza, Ponyplay, Puffy Nipples, Ruined Orgasm, Sandwich, Scottish (our inclusion further strengthens the case for independence), Self Facial (I lol’d. Then I watched. Then I came on my own face), Serbian, Shoejob, Skank, Sloppy, Snowballing, Solarium, Superhero, Surprise (sounds suspiciously like rape), Tentacle, Topless (kinky), Vacuum, Whaletail, Wrestling, WTF, Xmas.

Ewee

50 sexual achievements to unlock before you die, plus a fuckton of Google searches to make this evening. Don’t say I’m not good to you.

What would be on your bedroom bucket list? Comment below or keep your sick cravings to yourself; the choice is yours. Whatever you do though, do it: aim for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll still spaff across the stars.

—★★★—

 

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