Edinburgh. Glasgow. Two cities, 46 miles apart and yet polar opposites.
We think yous speak funny. You think we speak funny. We call your birds chipshop. You call ours posh. If there’s one thing Glasgow and Edinburgh can agree on, it’s that they can’t agree on anything.
Which city is better?
It would be nice to state that both cities have their virtues and ought to be judged on their own merits, but that just won’t cut it. This is the internet, where there’s no space for shades of grey. Either Glasgow sucks or Edinburgh does. Which is it gonna be?
Yes, it’s 2013 and this is what we’re reduced to: crafting link-baiting faux-controversial listicles that are designed to get mad shares. Don’t hate the player, hate BuzzFeed. They’re the ones who killed the internet.
10 reasons why Edinburgh beats Glasgow
1. We live longer
Don’t mean to be dicks about it, but we may as well get this one out of the way: we live longer. It’s not because of our aversion to blades – it’s because of your affinity for pies. Yous will deep fry anything. We’ll deep fry almost anything. That makes us the least unhealthiest.
2. We speak better (mostly)
You can tell when we’ve finished a sentence because we don’t leave it dangling with a preposition, know what I mean but.
(Though we do sometimes say barry, it’s true.)
3. We get to drink in public
That’s right, we get to consume industrial-strength alcohol in full view of the po-po errday. And we still live longer.
4. We have the Fringe festival on our doorstep
And yeah we bitch about it sometimes, but we still love it, if only for the 5am licensing.
5. We get hordes of beautiful tourists to
We offer them a couch to surf on. In return, we teach them how to ride the most average wave of their lives.
6. We’ve got the Scottish Parliament
That’s got to be worth bragging about, right? Sure it’s parochial and they squabble a lot, but still, it’s nice to have that giant terrorist target painted on our backs.
7. We have better rappers
Then again, you guys do have MOG.
Then again, we also have MOG as part of Bang Dirty. We’ll call that one a score draw, if only to avert years of east coast/west coast wylin’.
Also from Ed Uncovered: The 10 Best Scottish Hip-Hop Songs Ever
The Proclaimers, The Waterboys, Idlewild and Shirley Manson versus Simple Minds, Glasvegas (LOL), Texas and Franz Ferdinand.
Irvine Welsh, Ian Rankin, Iain Banks, Alexander McCall Smith and JK Rowling versus Alasdair Grey (dunno, I had to Google him).
9. The biggest Scottish films are made here
★ Sunshine On Leith
★ A Weegie Abroad (hey, it was edited in Edinburgh)
All Glasgow’s got is World War Z, and everyone knows that was pish.
We’re also home to the biggest global game: GTA V.
And finally, the greatest reason of all why Edinburgh beats Glasgow: we’ve got chippy sauce. And yous havnae. Deal wi’ it.
Glasgow: If petty tribalism has made you feel slighted by some words you read on the internet, you’re welcome to seek revenge. Post your rebuttals in the comments below or tweet @eduncovered with your butthurt. The best ones will go in next week’s response: 10 Reasons Why Glasgow is Better Than Edinburgh.
By Ed Uncovered