Edinburgh. Glasgow. Two cities, 46 miles apart and yet polar opposites.
Do those words sound familiar? They should do as you probably read them here seven days ago. To say that piece provoked debate would be like saying that Joseph Fritzl was a bit of a rogue.
People went mental.
Jimmies were cast overboard as slighted Scots on both coasts vented their displeasure before rage quitting the internet – for a couple of hours at least.
It turns out that Glaswegians are fiercely protective of their city and culture. It also turns out that Edinburghers are fiercely protective of theirs. Who knew?
Glasgow’s in the house
Last week’s blog concluded: “If petty tribalism has made you feel slighted by some words you read on the internet, you’re welcome to seek revenge. Post your rebuttals below or tweet @eduncovered with your butthurt. The best ones will go in next week’s response: 10 Reasons Why Glasgow is Better Than Edinburgh.”
Well guess what? This is next Friday, which means it’s time to even the score. Who’s ready for a highly biased, mildly disingenuous debate about which of Scotland’s major cities is better?
OK internet, let’s do this.
10 Reasons Why Glasgow is Better Than Edinburgh
1. Glasgow’s funnier
The funniest people you’ll ever meet are the ones who don’t know how funny they are. That’s Glasgow. It’s got funnier people and better comedians. And by ‘better comedians’ I mean it actually has comedians. Kevin Bridges, Frankie Boyle, Billy Connolly, Limmy.
What’s Edinburgh got? A stick up its arse, that’s what.
Billy Boyd, Robert Carlyle, Gerard Butler, Robbie Coltrane, Kelly MacDonald and James McAvoy versus Sean Connery and…who? We could try and claim Ewan McGregor, but deep down we know he’s from Perth.
3. Better live music
The best touring bands come to Glasgow. Edinburgh gets zilch except for August when there are so many bands, singers and artists milling around that by day two you just wanna stuff their stupid Fringe fliers down their throat and send them back whence they came.
Of course, Glasgow’s got better live venues too. The SECC might be crap, but otherwise Scotland’s Biggest City has got live music locked down at the Barrowlands, The Garage, Carling Academy and King Tut’s.
5. Glasgow’s got better vocabulary
The Glaswegian accent may be divisive – i.e people in Glasgow like it whereas the rest of the world don’t – but there’s no disputing that Glasgow has given far more to the Scottish language than Edinburgh.
Mucker, puggie, polis, daftie; they’re all pure beautiful, so they are. Then there’s my favourite Glaswegian phrase of all: “I wis like that.”
Let’s face it: for all its culture, arts, history and education, Edinburgh’s contributed hee-haw to the Scots language.
Also from Ed Uncovered: The 10 Best Scottish Hip-Hop Songs Ever
6. In Glasgow there are 24 hour shops. On every street corner.
Edinburgh’s got, like, two. In the entire city.
7. Glasgow’s got better banter
Before you start hating on me (again), this one came from the comments section of last week’s piece. According to Bob, “Weegies will talk to you at a bus stop. Edinburgh folk are boring cunts without the GIFT of the GAB.”
As a Burgh resident, I would have to take issue with this: sometimes it’s nice to wait for your bus in peace without having the silence broken by some byrrawaybigman assailing you with his banter.
When they’re not invading your personal space however, Glaswegians do have better banter. Some of the best stories I’ve ever heard were narrated by our west coast bretheren. Click on the tab below for an example.
Dat famous Weegie banter
This anecdote was recounted by my cellmate who was as Glaswegian as it gets.
11th June 2006
‘It’s easy tae catch a seagull. We used to dae it all the time in Shotts. See if you feed them sterilising tablets mixed in wi bread? It blows them up. We’d catch ahaud of them and superglue wee paper hats onto their heids or open their wings out and write on them wi a permanent marker. Just stupid things like ‘Get tae fuck.’ There was a big outcry from the RSPCA when they found out what was going on and it was in a’ the papers for a while. It was good but. All you dae is get a reel of thread, unwind it and screw it intae a ball. You then take some bread and wrap it roon it. Hold ontae one end of the thread and throw the rest oot the windae. Cos they’re big greedy bastards, the seagulls will gulp it down in a oner.
If you chuck out a few other bits of bread straight afterwards, they’ll keep eating which gives the thread a chance to get pushed right intae their stomachs. Then, all you need to do is put your head to the windae and shout as loud as you can. They’ll all scatter, but you’re still holding the thread so the bird cannae get too far. Occasionally they’ll spew it up, but nine times out of ten, you can reel them right in. I tell ya, they make a right flap when you get them intae the peter, feathers ayewhere. Once you give them a couple of good digs though they soon settle down. ‘Take that ya stupid bird, yer nae so noisy now are you?’
We sometimes used tae release them intae the hall for a laugh. I remember one time, I had this seagull on a long thread about 50 feet away on the grass. As I began reeling him in, one of the screws has seen what’s happened and he’s come running over to try and rescue the bird before it’s dragged through the bars. So I start reeling faster and faster, but just as the bird’s a couple of feet from my windae, the screw dives on it and snips the thread.
Another time, I was in the grounds of the jail on one of thae ride-on mowers. The blades were up cos I’d just finished cutting the grass. As I’m driving it back to the shed, I’ve seen one of thae big brown seagulls, one o last year’s chicks, sitting on the path. It’s injured its wing and cannae fly. I pick it up so I can put it onto the shed roof where it will be safe from the prison cat. Just as I’ve got it in my arms, the big daftie turns roon and pecks me square in the middle of the foreheid. It was right sair, I tell ya. Blood an’ a’thing. I was like ‘Right you bastard, take that!’ and I threw it front of the mower, put the blades doon and ‘Boom!’ ran straight over it.’
8. Glasgow’s got cheaper taxis
9. Glasgow’s got better nightclubs and better shopping
Glasgow has pedestrianised shopping areas. In Edinburgh we have to risk our lives on the anorexic pavements. Plus pretty soon there’ll be trams to contend with. Good luck crossing Princes Street then.
Glasgow is a proper city
Edinburgh is a village. Glasgow is a real city where you can go out and sow your seed without finding yourself flanked in the chippie queue by last weekend’s conquests. In Edinburgh, you’re never more than one degree of separation away from crossing swords with your best mate.
So there you have it: 10 Reasons Why Glasgow is Better than Edinburgh.
Use the comments section below or like our shiny new Facebook page and post a rebuttal explaining everything that’s wrong with this article. Alternatively, you could just close this tab and get on with your life.
Glasgow: it was nice buttering you up. Edinburgh: soz. See you next week when normal service will be resumed.
Tumblr reacts to last week’s article
Clare: Fuck up. Whit even is chips & sauce? Whit even IS IT? Filth had many a Glasgow shot in it too, his hoose was in Park Circus ya fucking pricks. Just fuck up.
Edinburgh is a breading ground for cunts. Away and take a fuck tae yerselves ya shower a pricks.
KrizzyB: Get fucking fucked you glory hunting, stupid accent having, city built on a fucking hill who gives a fuck about your tourists because your city is overpriced and full of shitty shops selling tartan and shortbread, wankers.
Zombieblud: This is why I fucking hate Edinburgh. They think they’re better than us because they have “chippy sauce”. That’s number one on the list. This is the reality of the situation. A city is better than our city because they have a shitty watery sauce to offer and we don’t. Oh, and drinking in public is one of the top ten things also. You stay classy, Edinburgh.
THE AGE OLD RIVALRY BETWEEN TWO CITIES ALL OF FIFTY MILES APART, ONE HAS CHIPPY SAUCE, THE OTHER ONLY VINEGAR, WHO WILL TRIUMPH.
By Ed Uncovered