Also from Ed Uncovered: 18 Trendy, Topical and Tasteless Halloween Outfits 2013
It’s coming. That special time of year when girls dress like slut buckets and guys dress like ass-holes. That’s right, Halloween is nigh, bringing with it that age-old question:
What the hell am I gonna wear?
Fear not, for Ed Uncovered is here to run through 13 of the trendiest, scariest and most offensive Halloween costumes for 2012. Guys: we’ve got your back, front and sides covered. Girls: we’ve got your back – the rest can remain uncovered, in keeping with the spirit of Halloween.
Ecce Homo – AKA Fresco Jesus – is this year’s most enduring meme. To recreate the Ecce Homo look, first you need to swallow a fistful of eccies. Then, having chewed your face to the point where it’s bruised and swollen, simply slip on a Jesus robe and you’re ready to go.
If you’d prefer to apply authentic Fresco Jesus make-up, there’s an old lady in Zaragoza who’s currently got a lot of spare time on her hands. Word on the web is she does a wicked Potato Jesus.
Gangnam Style has replaced Swag and YOLO as this year’s most ubiquitous/maddening/viral catchphrase. With spoofs of spoofs of spoofs being churned out faster than you can say ‘Heeeey, sexy lady’, there’s never been a better time to dress as a tubby Korean riding an invisible horse. Expect to see an army of smartly-dressed PSYs running amok this Halloween – why not join the flash mob to create the mother of all flash mobs, Gangnam Style?
Laugh, or I’ll keep going.
When did drug dealers become so cool? Actually, drug dealers have always been cool (even I was once fleetingly cool), but right now they’re achingly cool and it’s all thanks to Breaking Bad. Not only has BB made it cool to be a dealer, but it’s made it cool to be an old, balding dealer who wears glasses – which is a godsend for guys who are old enough to know better, but aren’t prepared to give up on this Halloween malarkey just yet. The OGs can dress as Walter; the young ‘uns can go as Jesse. Alternatively, steal an invalid’s wheelchair, attach a bell and intravenous drip and go as Hector Salamanca. Wrong? DING! But great fun? DING! DING! DIIIIIING!
For bonus points, cook some banging crystal meth to take with you. Nothing makes for an awesome Halloween party like 4lbs of blue crystals. You’ll still be partying come Christmas.
Walter White and Jesse Pinkman make for the baddest Halloween duo of 2012 – unless you and a mate fancy going as Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman. One gets to carry a gun, the other gets a bag of Skittles.
Oh, and if you think that’s offensive, you’re gonna love the next two suggestions…
You’d think that Westerners would have stopped antagonising Muslims by now – just as you’d think that Muslims would have stopped getting butthurt at Westerners depicting their precious prophet. You’d think wrong however.
Making fun of Mohammed is still a risky business, as the recent spate of IRL pwnage in Libya has shown, following major butthurt over a movie that depicted…ah, you know the script. Thankfully, Halloween is the one night of the year when even Muslims will concede that it’s acceptable to dress up as Mohammed – so long as it’s done purely for the lulz. If you don’t believe me, slip into your Mohammed outfit and take a saunter past the local mosque for confirmation.
Given that no one’s ever seen Mohammed, designing an authentic costume could be tricky. On the plus side, this gives you carte blanche to dress however you like – as a slutty cheerleader for instance – and claim to be Mohammed, at least until a bunch of irate Muslims appear, whereupon you can insist that you’re nothing more than a slutty cheerleader.
Guys who dress up as The Joker are about as original as girls who dress up as sexy witches. This Halloween, breathe new life into The Joker costume by going as his alter-ego – James Holmes.
Not only does this entitle you to carry an AR-15 semi-automatic, but you get to skip all the gay make-up in favour of some macho red hair dye.
Disclaimer: attempting this costume in Colorado will see you swatted and filled with lead.
Poor old Julian won’t be venturing out this Halloween as he’s under self-imposed house arrest. What’s more, he’ll be petrified of answering the door to trick or treaters in case it turns out to be the Metropolitan Police hiding behind Vendetta masks. Dressing as Julian Assange may seem pretty drab, but if enough people do it and then storm the Ecuadorian Embassy, well, there might just be a way for the real JA to sneak off amidst the commotion. If you dress as any (alleged) rapist this Halloween, make it Assange. Unless of course…
Jimmy Savile was once viewed as a seedy old man. These days he’s viewed as a seedy dead man who touched kids. Bad news if you were one of his victims, but great news if you’re looking for a Halloween
outfit that will cause maximum offence. And the best bit? You get to drape yourself in this year’s must-have accessory – swag.
Just imagine the parents’ faces when, upon escorting their kids to your door, they’re greeted by Jimmy Savile brandishing a bag of candy and a comedy boner. Lulz will be had, as sure as Jim fixed it for kids to bounce on his knee.
Who on earth would want to dress up as a sweaty Jew for Halloween – especially one blessed with all the charisma and dress sense of Mark Zuckerberg? Stepping out as the Facebook founder might not sound too glamorous, but it’s not all bad: you’ll start the night as a virtual billionaire, with girls falling over themselves to blow you and to line up blow on their T&A. That said, it’s not all good: by the end of the night you’ll be on your knees, offering blowjobs to flaccid old men as your plummeting shares force you to seek an alternative career. Still, it was fun while it lasted.
There used to be a time when it was perfectly acceptable to depict black men as having enormous lips and soot-black skin – that time was called ‘the good old days’, an era when golliwogs could be found gracing jam jars and toy shops. Golliwogs have long since been deemed offensive – making them prime Halloween material.
What could be more offensive than a golliwog? Why, a Terrywog of course: Britain’s most notorious racist – blacked up to cause maximum rage. If you’re a white guy, just pull on a Chelsea top, apply some black face paint, plump up your lips and you’re good to go. If you’re a black guy, just pull on a Chelsea top.
While the ‘John Terry gatecrashes X’ meme has been done to death, it does have its uses on Halloween, entitling you to crash every party in town while liberally dropping the N-bomb. Try doing that on any other night of the year and you’ll get a fat lip.
While many of these Halloween outfits are for fellas, this one is exclusively for the ladies. That’s right girls: I’m asking you to go topless on Halloween purely for your own entertainment. There’s nothing in it whatsoever for us guys. Honestly.
The best part about dressing as Kate Middleton is that if anyone dares whip out a camera, you get to slap an injunction on them and sue for damages.
For those who are keen to make their Kate outfit as realistic as possible, the Duchess’s rack can be admired here.
Warning: Kate’s titty pics aren’t fappable – believe me, I’ve tried. If you really want to spaff over Kate Middleton’s chebs, don’t waste your time on those fuzzy Closer pics. Go find a decent set of Photoshopped images that endow her maj-in-waiting with a full-size set of bazongas and a high-res vag to match.
Dressing – or rather undressing – as Prince Harry affords the opportunity to party in your birthday suit in the company of hookers and other upstanding members of the Vegas set. The only downside to emulating a naked Prince Harry is that you’ll have to publicly humiliate yourself – by going as a ginger.
If you’re reluctant to reveal your ginger pubes in public but are still eager to retain the Prince’s spirit, try wrapping a swastika armband around your pecker. That should keep things civil.
Goatse has been around for ages, but this year it’s making a comeback – because we say it’s making a comeback. At Ed Uncovered, we demand moar goatse, because you can never have too much goatse.
Unsure what goatse is exactly? Make sure the boss isn’t walking behind you (because he’ll lol hard), and then click here – trust us, it’s 2012’s most eye-opening meme. As for how you’ll turn that mildly-NSFW image into a Halloween outfit, well, we’ll leave that to your imagination.
For the uninitiated, Hunter Moore is a notorious sleaze bag and porn merchant who holds the envious title of Most Hated Man on the Internet. If you’re still unsure who Hunter Moore is, an Ed Uncovered profile on the lascivious one can be found here. For now, all you need to know is that being Hunter Moore – for one night only – would be fan-fucking-tastic. In the words of the man himself “Be selfish. Fuck bitches, get money and wear cool clothes.”
Who cares if no one recognises your Hunter Moore outfit? So long as you’re the one who’s snorting coke, fucking bitches and repping swag, you really can’t lose.
I promised you 13 of the trendiest, scariest and most offensive Halloween costumes for 2012, and by god, you got ‘em. Still not impressed? Fine; go and dig out last year’s devil costume then – you ain’t coming to my party. Unless you’re a sexy devil of course, in which case I might just have to acquiesce…
Also from Ed Uncovered: 18 Trendy, Topical and Tasteless Halloween Outfits 2013
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