It’s back. The ultimate guide to the only Halloween costumes to be seen in this fall. Did I say fall? I meant autumn. Actually I meant both: this article is written for Britclaps and Amerifats, because why offend one nation when you can offend the entire world?
Should any of this year’s villains be unfamiliar, you clearly need to eat moar fries, drink moar tea or lrn2google. And should any of these tasteless costumes provoke butthurt, you need to sort your priorities the fuck out. Try railing against the actual scumbags – y’know, paedophiles and Joan Rivers – rather than Ed Uncovered for mining dark humour from their dark deeds. It’s Halloween yo. Go offensive or go home.
This year’s most topical tropical outfit goes to ebola. It’s scary, spooky and downright contagious – perfect Halloween material then. It’s also racist, depending on whether you decide to go as a dead black victim or as a living white victim, surrounded by the best care that white medicine can buy. (And by ‘racist’ I mean ‘an accurate reflection of the world today’.) The best thing about dressing as ebola is you can reuse your Breaking Bad hazmat suit from last year.
Ebola doesn’t discriminate either – it also makes for an excellent girls’ outfit, one that fills the duel requisites of being slutty and scary. Say hello to Ebola-Chan.
>Not dressing as ebola
Some people would describe Oscar Pistorius as disabled but those insensitive tards would be wrong. In addition to being a silent guardian and watchful protector, OP might just be the most enabled man who ever lived. Could you shoot your girlfriend six times through a door in the pitch black while hobbling about on NO LEGS? Well, could you? Enabled as hell.
Create a terrifying Zombie Geldof by dressing as Peaches Geldof.
She was occasionally funny, usually irreverent and lately a cunt. The most tragic thing about the death of ol’ plastic-face is that it didn’t come from a well-aimed Palestinian missile. Create your own Joan Rivers costume by melting a car tyre and dunking your head in the molten goo.
True story: one year I went out on Halloween dressed as an ecstasy tablet. While I was in da club, CeeLo Green tried to crumble me into a woman’s drink and have sex with her. Pulling a CeeLo IRL is neither big, funny or clever. Dressing as CeeLo for Halloween is all three.
The toughest thing about being Mayor of Toronto? Deciding whether to fuck whores and then smoke crack or to torch first and piece later. Judging by the planetary circumference of Rob Ford, he doesn’t just smoke rocks – he also sprinkles them on his Twinkies.
Halloween costumes for two
For 2014, Ed Uncovered’s offensive Halloween guide has a new sub-category: two-person costumes, none of which require you to go as the arse-end of a cow. Result.
Malaysia Airlines may have only misplaced one airliner this year, but there’s nothing to stop your co-conspirator from dressing as its sister fuck-up, MH17. Better still, have one of you go as MH370 and the other as its final resting place, be it the Australian Ocean or a private CIA runway. Pro tip: Avoid making your outfit too realistic to prevent being mistaken for the real MH370.
I’ma let you finish but Sharknado 2 was the best sequel of all time. Of course no man is a Sharknado, which is why you’ll need some help in the form of an axe-, chainsaw- and slingshot-wielding partner willing to lop off your dorsal fin and plunge a fist down your throat to retrieve his fiancée’s engagement ring.
What could be more fun than dressing as the cast of Jersey Whore? Dressing as the cast with matching baby bumps obviously. Or better still, dressing as the cast of Jersey Shore with matching aborted foetuses.
1. Go to Toys R Us.
2. Buy 47 of their cheapest dolls. (Bonus points if they’re interracial.)
3. Tie them to a piece of string.
4. Drag them behind you for the rest of the night.
JLaw / The Fappening
There are so many ways to play The Internet’s Greatest Love Story, all of them awesome.
Scenario 1: One of you goes as Jennifer Lawrence – n00d Jennifer Lawrence. The other goes as a basement-dwelling, neckbearded member of The Fappening, cock in one hand, Kleenex in the other. Uncomfortable with the idea of having to shed your threads and produce a pair of disappointing tits to emulate The Fapture starlet? No problem: just print off her nudes and stick them all over your body.
Scenario 2: As above but one of you goes as a DMCA takedown lawyer and spends the night appending pixellated stickers to JLaw.
Scenario 3: One of you dresses as a leet hacker known as 4Chan. The other dresses as a giant cloud that’s raining celebrity nudes.
TBH, I don’t even know if there’s much point in continuing this article. Let’s all dress as The Fappening and lose our sides at the JLawyers trying to take down Halloween.
ISIS & Headless Captive
Is it ISIS or IS? Are they a new terror threat, al-Qaeda rebranded or a CIA false flag? Such matters can be debated in the taxi queue at 3am while dressed as a scimitar-wielding jihadist. Meanwhile your orange jumpsuited accomplice throws chips and cheese down his neck stump while passers-by scream “Too soon!”
One dresses as a Jew, the other dresses as a Palestinian and you spend the night wiling out, save for the occasional truce while you down shots at the bar.
Like last year’s Trayvon/Zimzam combo, this year’s most racially charged outfit is best performed as a duo. One of you goes as a white killer cop, the other dresses as a dead African American. For added offense, black up. For some reason, nothing – not even paedophile costumes or suicide bombers – enrages folk like the sight of a white guy playing a black guy. That’s why you need to re-enact Ferguson with the help of a black buddy (an actual black person, not a cracka in facepaint.) Then – plot twist – get your black mate to white up and go as the cop while you do the opposite.
Everyone wins. Everyone loses. Everyone gets shot by the police.
Speaking of racially charged outfits, this one is also best performed with a black buddy. (If you don’t have a black friend, now’s probably a good time to adopt one.) One of you dresses as a bedridden white guy with ebola – surrounded by a phalange of the world’s top medics. The other, meanwhile, dresses as a black guy with the ebola virus. And dies.
(If you’re wondering why ebola appears twice in this article, that’s because it self-replicated.)
Deviant Halloween costumes
Because everyone dreams of stepping out for the night as a paedophile. (Sorry Americlaps – pedophile.)
Max Clifford is a sicko. Who on earth would want to dress as a creepy old man? You weirdo. Why would you even suggest such a thing?
Not content with orchestrating the death of Diana, the Queen went on to spend hours in the company of one of the UK’s most notorious sex offenders. Do we really need further proof that the British establishment is concealing a Satanic child abuse ring? Create your own Rolf Harris costume by dressing as Colonel Sanders and carrying an easel.
Cliff may not be a convicted sex offender, but he’s Cliff Richard and that’s bad enough.
Oh, so it’s OK to dress as child molester Rolf Harris but Ian Watkins is a step too far? Megalolz. Either all of these outfits are offensive or none of them are.
Moar American Halloween costumes
Ed Uncovered’s resident Los Angelina suggested this one, describing Courtney as “one of the most epic whores of our time”. A quick Google produced a link to the Daily Star, instantly confirming her slut status. The question is, who’s the biggest deviant: cock-hungry Courtney or cuckolded Doug Hutchinson who wed the skank when she was just 16? To save you from clicking that link, I can confirm that the couple intend to renew their vows as soon as Courtney has regurgitated enough spunk to fit into her wedding dress.
Nicki Minaj’s Ass
Step out as Nicki Minaj, complete with a faux ass so phat it won’t fit through the door to da club. Then pull the race card, proclaim it to be your genuine derriere and protest that their entry policy is discriminatory against “bitches with a fat ass”. In all honesty, I just wanted an excuse to include this:
Would you like to go as weed-smoking Bieber, drag racing Bieber, egg-throwing Bieber, jumpsuited Bieber or as a giant douche?
>Implying there’s a difference.
Zoe Quinn is a vidya games developer and a total whore/saint depending on whether you ascribe to the doctrine of feminism. For the purposes of Halloween, she’s a whore because no one’s going to recognise a costume that comprises a Playstation controller and a purple wig. Draw cocks on your face however and smear fake jizz in your wig (it doesn’t even have to be fake) and everyone will know who you are. Even Kanye.
Robin Williams was a dude. Now he’s a dead dude, which means you get to play him for Halloween. Hook; Mrs Doubtfire; Patch Adams; post-autopsy Williams – it’s your call. As someone who’s seen at least one Robin Williams film in the last ten years, I can confidently state it’s what he would have wanted.
22 offensive Halloween costumes. 22 ways to rustle jimmies, ignite race wars, outrage feminists and have the best night of your goddamn life. Don’t think: just do it.
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