Men fap. Men wank. Men jack it in San Diego. Men spank, choke and stroke it before cumming with the force of 1,000 suns. Men have all the fun, huh?

Not so. In Ed Uncovered’s 50 Great Names series, men may have come first, but women are the ones who get to come harder, longer and more often. Are you sitting comfortably, ladies? Then unclasp your ham wallet and let’s begin. It’s time to butter the whisker biscuit.

names for female wanking

Names for female masturbation

★ Tripping the switch

★ Saucing the taco

★ Gilding the lily

★ Battery testingfemale masturbation

★ Taming the shrew

★ Beating around the bush

★ Clubbing the clam

★ Finger painting

★ Muffin buffin’

★ Polishing the pearl

★ Visiting the finger vault

★ Getting lost in the deep end

★ Singing in the shower

jilling off

Trust me, you don’t.

★ Opening the ham wallet

★ Double clicking the mouse

★ Finding Nemo

★ Paddling the pink canoe

★ Diddling the skittle

★ Parting the Red Sea

★ Teasing out a vertical smile

More words for female masturbation

★ Having a night in with the girls

★ Airing the orchid

★ Auditioning the finger puppetsfemale fapping

★ Fingerbating

★ Hitchhiking south

★ Jilling off

★ Pearl fishing

★ Rolling the dough

★ Taking a self-guided tuna boat tour

★ Tiptoeing through the two lips

★ Unbuttoning the fur coat

★ Buttering the whisker biscuit

★ Impeaching Bush

★ Roughing up the suspect

★ Menage a mois

★ Making soup

★ Juicing

moar boar


Ed Uncovered’s freshly frigged names for masturbation

★ Circling the wagon

★ Tracing eights

★ Making a fish finger sandwich

★ Streaming the Goo Goo Dolls

★ Diddling the kids

★ Soaking the sponge

★ Undressing the woundfemale fapping

★ Hitting the self destruct button

★ Plunging the clunge

★ Entering the mosque

★ Making a flesh smoothie

★ Watching ET (< i.e. Phoning home. Ayy lmao)

★ Womansplaining “Where’s Stacy?” “Oh, she’s in the shower, womansplaining to herself.”

★ Triggering “That picture of Ryan Gosling triggered me.”

★ Dancing in the dark

★ Embracing feminism

★ Raiding the fridge


maturbation names for women

By Ed Uncovered


50 Great Names for Breasts

Breast names are like breasts: you can never have too many in your life. 50 great names for breasts cos they’re not gonna name themselves.

50 Great Names for Taking a Dump

Awesome names for pooping. Because why take a crap when you can honk out a dirt snake?

50 Great Names for Cum

“Sorry mother but there appears to be pecker snot on my smalls.” 50 great names for cum? One of them’s bound to stick.

50 Great Names for Drunk

Choosing to get drunk is easy. Choosing the right name for drunk is hard. Here, have some help.

50 Great Names for Police

Beautiful names for police. Because why call cops cops when you can call them buzzkill and boydem?

50 Great Names for Fat

Don’t shame fat people – shame butter slugs, cheese hogs and gravy dumpsters. 50 calorific names for fat, because lulz.

50 Great Names for Your Period

Colourful names for the most colourful time in a woman’s life. Because why have a period when you can birth a blood diamond and have a red wedding?

50 Great Names for Sex

Why make love for the sole purpose of procreation when you can blow out some dick snot for the sole purpose of flushing the cache? 50 disgusting names for sex.

50 Great Names for Masturbation

Why jack it in San Diego when you can drain the vein and siphon the python? Favourite names for the world’s favourite pastime.

50 Great Names for Vagina

Yeah, we went there. 50 vaginal names for all occasions. You’ll never call it a vajayjay again. (SFW)

50 Great Names for Female Masturbation

Are you sitting comfortably, ladies? Then unclasp your ham wallet and let’s begin. It’s time to butter the whisker biscuit.

50 Great Names for Death

From murder to suicide and scaphism to stroke, these are the world’s greatest names for death. Don’t kill anyone until you’ve read this.