Once upon a time, NWA urged errbody to fuck da police. But for the ballers who took Compton’s finest at their word, fucking da police didn’t end well. Fuck with five-0 and five-0 will fuck you back, and they won’t be putting any lube on those batons either.

That’s because they’ll be shooting you instead. When the police decide they gon’ mess witchu, there’s only two possible outcomes: the pen or the morgue. In the current decade, you don’t even have to fuck with the law for them to fuck you up: jaywalking or possessing a darker skin tone than the arresting officer can provoke Mr Po-Lease into making it rain bullets. Still, just because it’s suicide to fuck da police in real life doesn’t mean you can’t hide behind a screen while you fuck with they name.

From the degenerates who brought you 50 Great Names for Vagina, have 50 Great Names for Police. Props to anyone who can reel off all 50 the next time they’re lifted and live to tell the tale. In the words of Patton Oswalt, “Get ready for the wintery freshness of mace”.

Great names for bad police

★ Po-po

★ Bacon

★ Scum

★ Filth

★ Pigs

★ Donut Squad (as used by Tony Soprano)

★ Dicks (nickname for detectives)

★ The Do-Dos (because donuts)

★ Babylon (Jamaican, because the Rastas associate Babylon with evil, debauchery and corruption)

★ City Pigs (the Zodiac Killer’s charming epithet for San Francisco police)

★ LA’s Finest (See also: New York’s Bravest, Washington’s Fittest. See also: sarcasm)

British names for police

★ Old Bill

★ Bobbies

★ Boydem

★ Bizzies (Liverpool)

★ Cunt Stubble

★ Fuzz

★ Labdick (Edinburgh slang: LAB = Lothian and Borders police)

★ Leng

★ Plod

★ Plonk (acronym for Person Of Little or No Knowledge and often applied to female cops, apparently)

★ Polis (Scottish)

★ Rozzers

★ Squealers (the noise a pig makes)

★ Stench

★ Sweeney

★ Chimps (acronym for Completely Hopeless In Most Policing Situations, to describe Community Support Officers)

★ Care Bears: (another derogatory term for Community Support Officers)

Slang names for police in other languages

Because it’s not just Britbongs and Amerifats who dearly love the police.

★ Aina (Swedish)

★ Asfalt Kovboyu (Asphalt Cowboy in Turkish)

★ Aynasız (Mirrorless in Turkish: a cop who accuses others of crime but has no mirror with which to view their own)

★ Batsos (Greek)

★ Bofia (Spanish & Portuguese)

★ Die Bullen (German)

★ Cana (Hispanic)

★ La Chota (Mexican)

★ Feo (Hispanic)

★ Flik (Belgian)

★ Gliny (Polish)

★ Jepari (Finnish)

★ La Jura (Spanish)

★ Kalevet (Israeli: literally Rabies)

★ Karao (Kenyan)

★ Keuf / Les Keufs (French)

★ Los Maderos (Spanish for wood, on account of the brown uniforms Policía Nacional once wore)

★ La Madama (Italian)

★ Mama (Indian)

Personal favourites

★ Lengoustines (Leng = police)

★ Buzzkill

★ Badge Bunny / Holster Humper: a woman who sleeps with cops

Police names I invented while stoned

★ Analogue Mods

★ Ad Blockers in Uniform

★ IRL Spam

★ Popo Pepe

Names for police van

★ Meat wagon

★ Party van

★ Salatfad (Salad Platter in Danish)

★ Slaktarbussen (Butcher’s Van in Swedish)

Party van. Reserved for bloggers who publish derogatory names for the police. Also, terrorists.

Moar international names for cops

★ Murija (Serbian)

★ Musora (Garbage in Russian)

★ Paco (Chilean)

★ Panserbasse (Danish)

★ Paskalakki (Hat Full of Shit in Finnish)

★ Pasma (Spanish)

★ Pitufo (Spanish, referring to the colour of police uniform. In Spain, The Smurfs is called Los Pitufos)

★ La Placa (Mexican)

★ Poulet (Chicken in French)

★ Psy (Dogs in Polish)

★ Puerco (Pork, Mexican)

★ Purk (Norwegian)

★ Rati (Argentinean)

★ Sbirro (Italian)

★ Shades (Irish)

★ Skoude (Finnish)

★ Smeris (Dutch)

★ Txacurra (Dog in Basque)

Right on, Urban D

By Ed Uncovered