Also from Ed Uncovered: 16 Delightfully Offensive Halloween Outfits for 2017
Vaginas are awesome. Of that we can all agree. Vagina is a rubbish word for vagina. Of that we can also agree. Thankfully, there are over 9,000 alternative words out there – some awesome, some disgusting and some downright hilarious.
I’ve selflessly curated the best epithets, so you can thank your doctor for removing that Sharpie from your vajayjay – without having to refer to it as a tuna taco.
Yeah, we went there
Because this is a semi-SFW blog (if you’ll excuse the fucking language and the obsession with tits & vag), I’ll refrain from illustrating the sort of pussies these terms elicit. You’ll just have to use your imagination, or if that fails, turn off safe search and Google gaping vagina. That should keep you entertained while you’re eating lunch.
This isn’t an exhaustive list by the way – I’ve missed out some of the duller names, like box and beaver. Although now that I’ve mentioned them, I guess they haven’t been omitted after all. Anyway, moving on before my tiny brain explodes…
For some reason, Hetty’s cupcakes sold exceptionally well at the church fete that year.
Let’s talk about lady bits
There’s a time and a place for deploying these euphemisms – or most of them at least. Halting foreplay to ask if you can slip it in her wizard’s sleeve is gonna get you instantly blue-balled. That said, no one ever dunked it in a prostitute’s vajayjay – it’s cock pocket or stench trench all the way. Context is important when dealing with vaginas. And that’s what this erudite blog is all about – context and vocabulary.
OK, so it’s actually about vaginas. Happy now?
Nice words for vagina
★ Honey pot
Nasty words for vagina
★ Everything else
Scottish words
Before anyone gets butthurt, I’ll concede that most of these words aren’t Scottish – but you’re more likely to hear them uttered roon these parts than anywhere else in the world.
★ Clunge
★ Clout
★ Chuff
★ Fanny
★ Gash
★ Beef curtains
★ Pish flaps
★ Muff
★ Vag
It should be noted that Scotland is possibly the only country where you’ll hear the term cunt used as a term of endearment rather than as a crude word for vagoo. Why? Because we’re a nation of good cunts of course.
For added pleasure, listen to Scotland’s Zambian Astronaut as you read on. There’s something soothing about this track that eases the sight of the most horrific vagina names ever conjured.
Spanish names for vagina
★ Pepa
★ Palomita
★ Vulva
★ Raja
★ Conho
★ Conejo
★ Potorro
My personal favourites
★ Badly packed kebab
★ Meat wallet
★ Axe wound
Words for vagina in the bedroom
★ Cunt
★ Snatch
★ Pussy
Er…that’s about it. Call it anything else during sex and you’ll instantly kill the vibe. Makes it kind of awkward when a girl’s screaming ‘Talk dirty to me!’ but you’ve expended your three designated words in the first sentence.
Words that no one uses IRL
★ Clam
★ French fry dip
★ Penis fly trap
★ Stench trench
★ Cave of wonders
★ Bearded oyster
★ Pink canoe
★ Pink fortress
★ Soggy box
★ Baby cannon
★ Hippo’s yawn
Words that no one uses IRL but should
★ Juicebox
★ Pink taco
★ Handwarmer
★ Cock socket
★ Mum’s glovebox
★ Tampon tunnel
★ Meat flap
★ Vagoo
Kid-friendly words for vagina
Before you raise several eyebrows and report me to the internet police, I should clarify that there’s a genuine (i.e. non-sexualised) reason for including this section. If you’ve got kids, how do you politely refer to their V-A-G-I-N-A without calling it a V-A-G-I-N-A?
Vagina is a stupid word at the best of times; having it shouted by a three-year-old can only add to its unutterable weirdness. So what can kids call it instead? The options are woeful, but they would appear to be as follows:
★ Front bottom
★ Flower
★ Kitty
★ Bajingo
★ Foo-foo
★ Hoo-hee
★ Hoo-hoo (etc)
Told you they were pretty bad – but still better than vagina, it must be said.
Words for a slack vagina
★ Wizard’s sleeve
★ Cum bucket
★ Chasm of doom
★ The abyss
★ The grandest canyon
Words for an outie vagina
★ Roastie
Girlie words for vagina
This section was written in conjunction with the women I know well enough to quiz about their private parts. And before you ask, no, my mum wasn’t one of them.
Though I did ask yours.
★ Hoo-hee
★ Mini
★ Downstairs
★ Girlie parts/bits
★ Nun / Nuun (from TOWIE apparently)
★ Vajayjay (Oprah uses it at least. I can’t speak on behalf of the rest of womankind.)
Above: lower nectarostoma, viewed under an electron microscope. But you assumed that already.
When it comes to naming their lady gardens, girls are disappointingly tame. I don’t know who invented fur burger, but I’ll bet it wasn’t a woman.
You still would.
By Ed Uncovered
Gah!!! The girl! The crocodile! SCARY!!
At least it’s obvious. Watch the movie Teeth if you want something scary!
Point of no return
I think you missed a few, whisker biscuit, bearded clam, cum dumpster, cock pocket, hot pocket, love sock, pickle pathway, tuna tunnel, whispering eye, and that was like 5 minutes their are a lot more.
What about woowoo , beaver, kitty,, chi chi
The best word for vagina is the Sanskrit ‘yoni’ which means flower
sugar notch fancy gap
LOL u go
1-Flange or flanj
2- sheesh
3- deep end
4- sleeping korean
5- old spice
5- my little pony
I have always called mine Yahoo, since i was little. then freaking yahoo.com came out. oh what fun my boyfriends had with that. lol
Yahoo is a great name for a vagina. Rubbish name for an internet company, but grade-A vag material.
Clown’s pocket
How about dick eater
it cant’ be a dick eater when it looks just like Road Kill . lol
And Jay that’s why you never get laid
Why can’t we find a word for our vajayjay that’s sexy to use in the bedroom… these are hysterical, but you don’t wanna bust out laughing and ruin the moment.
Plus is anybody says tuna or any other fish term about mine….. You’re outta there…
Yup I still would as long as she doesn’t close her legs
Messed up thing
what about 2 lipp?
Well written post, and informative. My personal favorite is damn close to yours: “hatchet wound”. It has a more lilting cadence than “axe wound” can elicit. One of my Indian (dot not feather) friends once remarked that “gates of heaven” was his favorite.
crocodile pussy! whao
Vagagay
I don’t know about anyone else but I think people should use every word instead of pussy still use that one though cause every sex video I watch they use pussy so I think use every single damn word in the world and on these words everyone else is coming up with on this list like vagagay or dick eater or pink taco if anyone dissagreEs please reply to this comment 🙂
we found this rather amusing my name is Kelsey Arnott and my axe wound is genuinely wounded!!!
Ack! That’s terrible, Kelsey. What on earth did you do to it?!
My name is Gemma Hopper and I find this list to be rather useful, I am sick of being a victim of abuse due to my massive gaping wizzard’s sleeve, but if any of you lovely asian gentlemen would like to stick your purple headed yoghurt slinger up my bearded clam? any takers?????? 07811674749
hey Gemma, i would love to sling my sea cucumber up your slimey chillie muscle.Get to know each other and shave your beard, then I could slide my throbin robin up your pink love tunnel
Damn. Shit just got real up in here.
I am super China men text 5188339363 plz
Well that escalated quickly…
I have a few questions??????
What ate they
That wasn’t even a question. You suck at this.
Hope you like my paragraph :)))))
Just being nice happy fourth of July ( early ). 🙂
LMFAO.Tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks.but as a woman, honey pot, flower are my faves.and pussy is just fine! MEOW OR ROAR! Choose your pussy!
I liked it when you “meowed,” Therese. You happen to be sharing your Cream Seam? I wouldn’t mind shoving my Raunch Rocket into your Funk Bunker. Hit me back, lemme know if I can start hiking your Candy Canyon.
The kraken. When I take notice of a good looking guy my friend likes to say “unleash the kraken!”
OMG!!! I’m laughing so hard with tears and it hurts. This made my day! Best site that has ever made me laugh this hard. My hubby and I would call the vag. “Hoo haw”
No, no the hoo haw in the butt hole.
Ghg
im from Australia cunt and if you cunts think your the only ones who use cunt your fucking wrong cunt btw im Scottish.
You’re such a cunt. I’m not Scottish and I come from down under Ha!
Doesn’t matter where you go in the world you’ll always find a Scot and I’ve been more than a few places and were all cunt’s but nice ones.
And G’Bear its much nicer to go down-under than to come from down under just think of all that lovely cunt your missing looking at.
Slip n Slime
Cooch
Yep like that one been a while since I heard it 🙂 thanks for reminding me Muse
Vagina is a fine word. But there are many more beautiful ones for a beautiful part of the body. It’s difficult to read that your favourite includes ‘axe wound’. But it simply shows that you are a fine example of our patriarchal oppressive society. As a gesture to give you more food for thought, here’s some great names. https://thevaginatimes.com/terms-of-endearment-loving-ourselves-loving-our-vaginas/
Be quiet and get back in the kitchen.
I’m so sad this is a retired link.
you waisted my time
I taught my daughter hootenanny. Sadly it wasn’t until later I realized that was another name for party.
The Man Cave!
(can you guess where the door bell is??)
Hi i want to get in ur cave
Fuck my ass bitches. Put your penis up my ass.
I have a name in my mind for vagina which I hope would be liked and praised by all as well which is “Vertical Smile”
I’ve called it a “peanut” my entire life as well as my entire family. without the shell of course. If Caucasian then it’s the same color and if it’s like mine is at the age of 27 and not all beat up like some it’s nicely closed without anything sticking out like meat flaps and has a nice slit! Oh and of course if it’s shaved bald the way I think all females should have it! Perfect little peanut. Only difference is peanuts aren’t a pretty pink color inside.
I like Arg Pdy’s “vertical smile.” I’m gonna use that one next time.
I like Fur Burger or Whisker Biscuits lmao
So was I was strolling down the mossy banks, when I saw a beaver get snatched by a giant hairy clam, then a pair of roast beef curtains slit the bald man in a boat, who had been eating blue waffles, into a poorly wrapped kebab. Then appeared the hoody lady, who had just had her ham wallet cut up by a ninja foot that was flying on a pair of beef flaps from the promised land of the quivering mound of love pudding. As I wandered further into the bat cave, I wore a vertical smile across my whisker biscuit. I then entered the wizards sleeve, where I encountered a rogue vajizzle wielding a twitchet powered by the sweet juices of pink tuna tacos. The great clown hole then took from its own cock pocket a fresh slice of lunch meat inscribed, “twat is happening? I cunt understand what kind of gumbo pot would allow it’s nappy doughnut to drop it’s muff in a love puddle”. This concludes the tale of Virginia poons and the search for the pink velvet sausage wallet…
I need a girl to have sex with. Demmers96@gmail.com
HAHAHAHAHA! CUNTSUCKERSSSSS
You forgot Whisker Biscuit !!!
my gf is an indian and when i was putting my tongue inside my gf’s ‘wonder cave’ i asked her “what do you call vagina in your country language ?” then she said “(ohh laa-laa put your taste buds in my ‘YONI’!!! yes your right vagi is also known as ‘yoni’ in india!!!
my gf has got the lushest wet slit in the world and we think MONEYBOX is the best name for a fanny! as im always leaving a deposit in it!! and withdraws. lol (-;
poon, trim, camel toe
I got I got .I slow but I got Theee cunt name Chrissy Poissin
I prefer hatchet wound over axe wound. But that’s just me.
Everyone is entitled to what they want to say. I find it hilarious that most thought it was childish to have something to say, or that the next had to much of a life to say anything at all but at the same time made it a point to let the world know what they thought and had enough time to read everyone’s publicity. I found it entertaining to google search “funny names for vagina” and I have now been on this page for the past hour. Life is great. Thanks for the entertainment America!
OMG, you are awesome. that was everything i was thinking and more besides. 🙂 If i was a man, Chrissy, i would have totally fallen in love with your hilarious commentary. Since I’m a straight woman, i’ll just idolize you and say “Carry on, girl!”
P.S. i was on this website to find a better word for my book than ‘vagina’ and ‘cunt’. im pretty sure ill stick to ‘penis fly trap’ haha…
I love to suck on dick because I have a vag you know ♥
Sorry I had to say that shit
Will there be a post for men?
Corn dog canister, salmon suitcase, Cock holster, poon purse,Cooch canyon, just to name a few…
The Throbbing Sopping cyclops.
Minge is a favourite term of mine for vagina – gotta say i had a good old laugh at some of the posts on here , – some folks are genuinely way too sensitive about things 🙂
I’ve heard “cooter” used!
OMFG, do NOT teach your kids to say “kitty”!!! That’s totally an adult sex word. She will get sent to the school counselor for sure. That’s just wrong.
Hw bout toto
nothin would be finer than to be in yer verginer in the moooor-nun.
Horse’s collar
Split Tail
Pecker snot repository?
Mouth down south
OMFGs! This is FUCKING HILARIOUS!
Ed…you are a brilliant writer!
And the rest of you…GREAT comments!
I was hyena laughing!
=8’D
If I wasn’t already up for over 32 hours (send someone with tranquilizer gun), I could probably come up with a brilliant one of my own!
Stay tuned…
May happen…
Ok…*STILL* UP!
And it happened!
I found this article because I was chatting with a potential slave about “forced” bi so I was looking for a clever name for his “man-gina” (damn! coulda used that one).
Although nothing on here really fit My purpose,
I thoroughly enjoyed this article!
And Mine…for My purpose…
boy box! L!
Great Thread, luv all the perspectives. Looking for appropriate term for engaging dialog with my daughter: father daughter term for discrete discussion when she needs to talk. Hoo-hoo is prolly it, but I really like the offer of ‘yoni’, class. The rest of you are funny in an adult-immature way (compliment). Thanks for the other link vaginatimes. Regards,
BAN ALL SMOKING, EVERYWHERE, NOW!
Great article and great comments folks!
Some classics have been missed off this page: Liver lips, Fish Flange, Pecker checker.
In my neck of the woods (Hertfordshire UK), “Minge” is commonly used.
But my personal favorite is Growler. Which works best when spoken by a middle aged cockney. As in: “Suppose I’d best rinse out me old growler”. lol
Some ones my girlfriend thought up: Quiver sliver, Mr Magoos leaky cannoo,
And 20 more fannies from around the world 🙂
Arabic – Almahbal
Latvian – Maksts
Lao – Song Khod
Filipino – Puki
Korean – Jil
Polish – Pochwa
Hungarian – Hüvely
Thai – Ch̀xng khlxd
Maori – Tenetene
Japanese – Chitsu
Icelandic – Leggöngum
Somali – Siilka
Mandarin – Yīndào
Romanian – Vagin
Mongolian – Utree
Macedonian – Vaginata
Swahili – Uke
Finnish – Emätin
Greek – Kólpos
Zulu – Esithweni Sangasese (no, seriously!)
I can’t believe nobody suggested “stink wrinkle” … definitely my favorite!
Really no one thought of Pretty in the Pink,Wet Peach,Love Muscle Prime,The new even tighter headlock,Dick Chutney in your Rose Oil,Nut Rag,Slip n Slide?
I’ve always use Bingy bonger
My little girl calls it a ‘Mary’ and someone I knew as a kid called it a ‘Winkie’
roast beef=kneecap mudflaps
Per Cheech and Chong: hair pie
Meaty Muffin, Meaty Cabbage, Gine, and my personal favorite, Bald Taco. As I posess a 5th degree black belt in tongue fu I have no appreciation for the flavor saver that a bear skin rug provides. So, the fuzzy taco is a no go for this guy.
How about taking kitty for a bike ride? 😛
Christmas is what I use because whomever you give it to it is a gift.
There are serval type of Humans as many females there that much different names can come out no limits!
My man simply calls mine “sweetness”