Pain. Discomfort. Irritability. No sex. Let’s face it, periods are rubbish.

…and that’s just for men. Believe it or not, husbands and boyfriends aren’t the only victims of shark week. Word is that periods aren’t much fun for women either. Still, you wouldn’t know it, such is the good grace with which they accept their monthly subscription in the mail.

Ladies, the following names won’t stop your cramps from hurting or your boyfriend from hounding you for blowjobs during jam week. But they might make you laugh – and grimace – just long enough to forget that there’s a cotton cigar parked in your baby chute. Girls, guys and special snowflakes who don’t conform to gender binaries: let’s do this. 50 great names for having a period.

This is why male-dominated advertising agencies are a bad idea.

Entry level names for a period

★ On the rag

★ On the blob

★ Jamming

★ Got the painters in

★ Painting the town red

★ Aunt Flo is visiting

★ Flying the Japanese flag

★ Lining the drawers

★ Shark week

★ On a ketchup diet

★ Struck down with girl flu

★ Surfing the crimson wave

★ Having the garage painted

★ Joining the cast of Pad Men

★ Little Red Riding Hood is making her way through the woods

★ Aunt Ruby is visiting

★ Checking in to The Red Roof Inn

★ Having a party at my pad

★ Experiencing technical difficulties

Boak names for a period

★ My ovaries are shedding

★ Riding the cotton pony

★ Leak week

★ Dripping dry

★ Dredging the love canal

★ Suffocating little white mice

★ The kitty is sick

★ My cup of joy is overflowing

★ The server is down

★ Losing my lining

★ Baby is in the corner

★ Riding the cotton toboggan

★ Birthing a blood diamond

★ Paging Edward Cullen

★ Parting the Red Sea

★ Black towel time

Stomach-turning names for menstruation

★ The tomato soup is on the boil

★ Getting my monthly subscription in the mail

★ Red wedding

★ Red sails in the sunset

★ Being dishonorably discharged from the Uterine Navy

★ Churning butter

★ Riding Red Rum

★ Flying my colours

★ Making pink lemonade

★ Expelling my hysteria

★ Carrie at the prom

★ Monkey has a nosebleed

★ High tide

★ The hunt for Red October

★ Rusty pipes

★ Too much sauce on the fish taco

★ Ordering clams with red sauce

★ Smoking a lady cigar

★ Closed for renovations

★ Massacre at the Y

★ There’s a volcano in the cradle of civilisation

★ Having a little ketchup with my steak

★ Arts and crafts week at Panty Camp

★ Blowjob season

★ Dracula’s teabag

★ End of sentence (“I have my end of sentence” i.e period)

Foreign names for having a period

★ Germany: Erdbeerwoche ( ‘strawberry week’)

★ Brazil: ‘Eustou Com Chico’ (‘I’m with Chico’ in reference to socialist Chico Mendes’ gruesome assassination in the 80s)

★ Denmark: Der er lommunister i lysthuset (‘there are communists in the funhouse’)

★ Finland: Hullum lechman tauti (mad cow disease)

B A S E D  F I N L A N D

Discover over 9,000 moar international names for menstruation here.

Ed Uncovered’s freshly ovulated names for period

★ Paying the female tax

★ Having an oil change

★ Being oppressed by the patriarchy

★ Conforming to gender norms

★ Defragging the hard drive

★ Wearing a raspberry beret

★ Being an uber-bitch

★ Visiting Crazytown

★ Making feminist art

★ Jamming with The Vamps

★ Having the carpet shampooed

★ Making my own lube

★ Skipping foreplay

★ Having a pre-abortion

By Ed Uncovered