Food. Faces. Faeces. You name it, Asians are taking photos of it. And while they’re taking photos of it, other Asians are taking photos of them. And while that’s happening, other Asians with itchy trigger fingers are going full shutterstock.

Chinese; Japanese; many of them appear to live their lives through a lens. But why? What is the Asian obsession with photographing all the things?

When most people have a burning question that must be answered, they turn to Google. But as it turns out, there are some things that even Google can’t answer.

• How long is a piece of string?
• Where did I leave my keys?
• Why do Asians love taking photos?

When Google draws a blank, most people give up and resume drinking in the pub. Not this Googler. Call it curiosity; call it stubbornness; call it a flimsy excuse for dingying work. All that matters is I’ve got the bit between my teeth and I’m not spitting it out until we get a definitive answer:

Why do Asians take so many photos?

And is it possible to answer that question without being racist?

Ed Uncovered isn’t known for its political correctness. And by that I mean for a blog written by a straight up cracka, it sure flirts with the N-bomb a lot. Plus a bunch of other lazy stereotypes. Not that I’m implying black people are lazy – ah, jeez. See, this is the trouble with trying to address race-related issues. Even with the best will in the world (and trust me, my intentions aren’t that pure), someone always ends up offended.

It’s not that I set out to offend anyone – given the choice I’d much rather offend everyone. But to misquote a misquoted misquote, you can’t offend all of the people all of the time. So I’ll settle for rustling some of you.

Investigative journalism is srs bsns

With Google producing precious little in the way of answers, I turned to my mate ‘Bob’ for help – the same Bob who appeared in my top five pisses last week (and who also cameoed in my worst piss ever).

Why do Asians love taking photos?

The real reason why Asians love cameras is because they make them, proffered Bob. “It’s like Scottish people and Irn-Bru,” he added.

Then he sent me this link (cos we were speaking online at the time – no one chats with their mates in real life any more.)

As the article notes “Apparently the camera perceives ‘Asian’ eyes as closed.”

Is that why they take so many photos? Because the racist facial recognition keeps forcing them to retake the shot?

Blink and you’ll miss it

It can’t be. Because that doesn’t explain why Asians take so many photos of food. And monuments. And all manner of other objects that can’t look Asian because they don’t have eyes to close – or to open, rather.

Where’s my Asian friend?

In spite of Bob’s valiant efforts, I was no closer to resolving my question. Thankfully, I had a better idea. Of the 182 friends on my Facebook, one was Asian. What’s more, he had form for helping me out with blogs. Years ago (11 to be precise), he was a regular contributor to Ed Uncovered’s precursor – a blog that, inextricably, was even more immature than this one.

Aaron would surely know the answer to my question. And even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t object to me asking the only Asian guy in my feed. So ask I did.

Then I waited. A day later, the answer arrived – and it was more detailed and magnificent than I could ever have imagined. According to the gospel that is Aaron, Asians take photos for five specific reasons, and they are as follows:

1. For Respite

“A lot of it is to do with the hard work ethic in their culture, and escapism from that…remember when the Asian economy was all fucked up and they were all jumping out of windows and that. They take work VERY seriously, so I guess in their spare time they like to take loads of photos to document what they’ve been up to while away from the office. Also, with the parents being at work a lot, the little time they do get to spend with the kids is really important so they like to document them.”

2. For Status

“Asians have an unhealthy relationship with food. Lots of foods are status symbols to Asians, for example all kinds of seafood, sushi and certain roast meats (goose in particular). This stems from their culture…buying “status” foods and sharing them with family and friends implies that you’re doing pretty well for yourself…much more so than nice clothes, beauty treatments or whatever else we do in Western cultures. I suppose taking photos of food is hard evidence to show colleagues, neighbours or whatever that you can afford to buy fancy rice.”

“Another aspect I know from my grandmother is that although Chinese history is fucking old, a lot of

Those nostalgic feels

families have no document or memory of fairly recent history. At the time of the cultural revolution, loads of people had to run from China to Hong Kong…and could only take what they needed with them, and so obviously photos and nostalgia weren’t so important and got left behind in the paddy fields…I think we take more photos now as insurance so that recent history isn’t forgotten in the event that North Korea or something goes apeshit…In the last 10-15 years it’s become easier; I mean, if the shit hit the fan, you don’t need to pack crates and crates of photos, just stick your flash drive in your pocket.”

“We love technology. Asians will buy ANYTHING electrical – I saw an electric toilet seat last time I was out in Hong Kong. For £3,000 it did EVERYTHING; wipe your ass, warm your cheeks on a cold day and even massage your piles if you’ve got ‘em, so I guess if Nikon bring out a camera that is a bit sexier than the last one people will buy it, and will use it excessively.”

Four very erudite answers from Aaron, who is rapidly becoming My Favourite Asian Dude on Facebook. I reckon we’ve comprehensively answered the question “Why do Asians take so many photos?”

But wait – there’s more. Moar even. I did say Aaron had provided five reasons, didn’t I? Guess I’d better deliver. Last but not least, this is why Asians like taking photos…

“Asians are perverts. I suspect most carry a camera in hope of being there when an unusually busty Asian girl gets raped by an alien with 100 cocks.”

Well I’m glad we’ve resolved that. Screw you Google – I asked my Asian friend and he used his Asian privilege to slander four billion people.

Next week on Ed Uncovered: I ask my black mate why black people are so lazy. Find out here in six months when he gets back to me.

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• Pictures of Asians taking pictures of food