Yesterday, we rattled through all the cool shit that happened in the first seven months of the year. And now, it’s time for the thrilling season finale…
August was the month when the Fringe came to Edinburgh, bringing with it slow-moving tourists, sub-standard comedians and a fuck ton of flyers. There were also some great comedians and talented thespians in the city; sadly I wasn’t sent to review any of them. Worst Fringe show? Probably a toss up between Brigadoom and Stuart Laws. My Fringe highlight was laying the smackdown on Spotlites after the theatre company threw a hissy fit and censored my reviews.
The resultant story wound its way into the Guardian and appeared at the top of Google, ensuring that anyone searching for the theatre company in future would be directed to an Ed Uncovered article entitled Spotlites Fail Hard.
Which is tragic.
On a less vindictive note, I made it abroad for the first time in seven years, and celebrated by blogging from an internet cafe while blazing a fat zoot.
The main story we’re not supposed to have laughed at in August concerns the Peru Two, who were arrested trying to leave South America with eight kilos of bam bam in their luggage. When quizzed, they promptly blamed the patriarchy for forcing them to travel unescorted to the other side of the world to collect drugs. Last time I checked, they’d changed their tune and confessed to the crime that the rest of the world already knew they’d committed. In fairness, it shouldn’t be a crime to smuggle eight boxes of prang out of Peru, but sadly it is, which is the only reason why I’ve never attempted it.
Miley also pulled some shit in August which swiftly turned into a quest to out-whore herself with every passing month. The Daily Mail had a field day, the op-eds op-eded and millions of men screamed “Moar!”
Meanwhile, Bradley-soon-to-be-Chelsea Manning’s trial concluded with a punitive 35-year sentence.
Miley, the Peru Two, Edward Snowden and Bradley Manning all appeared in Ed Uncovered’s third-most popular post of the year, 18 Trendy, Topical and Tasteless Halloween Outfits which was published in late August.
September was the month when we mourned the passing of Breaking Bad. It was also the month when Ed Uncovered officially Got Its Shit Together and I began writing prolifically. To put things in context, in the first eight months of the year just 22 articles were published. In the 3 ½ months since August, there’ve been 58.
During September, I introduced the Best/Worst category to the site, recounting some of my most retarded exploits, starting with The Best Piss Ever. The world’s most eagerly anticipated game – GTA V – finally arrived, Filth was released at the cinema and I found out why Asians take so many photos.
2013 was also the year we finally ‘fessed to our incurable technology addiction. And then went back to playing with our phones.
I began October at the bottom of a hole, financially, physically and literarily. The month picked up though, with a slew of new articles on Ed Uncovered including Who’s On Your Hit List? and The Worst Sleep Ever, inspired by a night I’d recently spent kipping in a graveyard.
Throughout October, the NSA revelations continued unfolding with the tl;dr on the whole scandal being that the NSA is watching everyone all of the time everywhere.
The biggest story in October was the arrest of Ross Ulbricht aka Dread Pirate Roberts, the boss of drugs marketplace Silk Road. Its closure impacted upon the American public far more than the shutdown of their government, which we all agreed, had been doing fuck all aside from spying indiscriminately and raping civil liberties.
While DPR’s arrest was tragic, this happened, proving that every cloud does indeed have a silver lining:
What’s more, less than two months later, Silk Road 2.0 was up and running, demonstrating the pointlessness of the war on drugs. Shortly after Silk Road’s shutdown, bitcoin began climbing in price, leading to a slew of good luck/bad luck stories such as this one.
September was around the time when the internet began to get sick of BuzzFeed and its listicle shit. There’s nothing wrong with the list format – hell, Ed Uncovered publishes one every Friday – but BuzzFeed’s one-trick approach was seriously starting to grate by this point.
Oh, and Lou Reed became broon breid.
Finally, this tweet happened, which, looking back, seems eerily prescient:
Halloween 2013 will be remembered as the year of Breaking Bad costumes. While many people chose to go as Heisenberg, I went one dumber and dressed as Walt Jr, having an A1 day in the process.
November was a memorable month on Ed Uncovered, largely because it only happened last month and thus I can still remember most of it. Article topics included boners, cocaine, fapping, joints and murder. Ed Uncovered’s most successful local article of the year appeared in November: 10 Reasons Why Edinburgh is Better Than Glasgow, which went viral (by Scottish standards), clocking up a fuck ton of shares, comments and butthurt.
Rebecca Brooks and Andy Coulson – yes those two cunt-faced scrotums – went on trial at the Old Bailey, accused of being shocking journalists and shit-tier hackers. Toronto mayor Rob Ford admitted to being a crack fiend, Zimmerman got arrested again and Upworthy and ViralNova took over from BuzzFeed to become The Most Annoying Thing on The Internet. Elsewhere, Twitter unanimously declared its support for #TeamNigella.
Ian Watkins pleaded guilty to doing things that no one thought possible and vengefully decided to drag his namesake down with him.
Meanwhile, David Cameron’s War on Fapping continued un(mast)abated.
Bitcoin, which had started the year around $12, passed the $1,000 mark on 27th November. Yes, I could have been a thousandaire instead of having three fiddy to my name.
Cool hard luck story bro.
November ended on a sombre note with the Clutha helicopter crash in Glasgow.
If you need me to recap the month we’re only halfway through, you’ve clearly been smoking more weed than I have. OK then: NELSON MANDELA DIED.
On Ed Uncovered, December brought the site’s second viral article of the year (again, by Scottish standards) when I broke the story of The Secret Plumber. The mainstream media then waded in, with the tale making its way into The Guardian and Edinburgh Evening News who plagiarised my entire story but didn’t bother acknowledging the source. Cunts.
As well as being the year of Snowden, the year of the twerk, the Harlem Shake and the selfie, 2013 was also the year of the drone. Amazon drones; Yemen drones; drones errwhere.
And that was 2013.
Looking back, I appear to have omitted a few of this year’s biggest stories including the deaths of James Gandolfini and Corey Monteith, the release of the PS4 and Xbox One, Doge, Google Glass and the entire western world, myself excluded, joining Netflix. But fuck it, you shouldn’t need me to tell you everything that happened in 2013. After all, you were there, right?
Yesterday, in part one of Bigger, Badder, Twerkier: The Ultimate Review of the Year, I promised to publish the best songs, tweets and selfies of 2013, but as usual I’ve rambled on for too long. Return here on Thursday instead and we’ll finally put this thing to bed with Sounds and Selfies – 2013’s Greatest Moments.
Sad that our fun on Ed Uncovered is over for another day? Check out my pick of the year’s best articles below. Tomorrow, it’s back to business as usual as I search for Edinburgh’s best burrito . Burgers are so last week.
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