Bored Edinburgh Housewife

Are you searching for bored Edinburgh housewives? Would you like to meet sexy ladies in the EH area for no-strings-attached fun?

If so, you’ve come to the wrong place. Since you’re here though, you may as well stick around and see what the hell this article is about. After all, it would be unlike the internet to lure visitors from Google on false pretenses. Surely there must be some resources here to hook you up with horny housewives…right? A few contact details; a couple of racy pics; links to sites where you can meet actual bored housewives?

If there’s one thing the internet’s taught us, it’s that an army of bored housewives are never more than a couple of clicks away. Sexy housewives; MILFs; yummy mummies; cougars, all frantically refreshing inboxes in anticipation of your saucy emails.

Sure, they may have kids to collect, chores to complete and cupcakes to bake, but first they’d like nothing more than to shovel your fat gut out the way and chow down on your micro-penis like it was a cherry Popsicle.

So where’s all this going?

Apparently, there are a bunch of guys out there who get a hard-on at the thought of piecing bored Edinburgh housewives.

Stop Googling me!

Actually, they get a hard-on for pretty much anything, but don’t let that detract from the compliment: the fact is they’re bored, horny and are looking for you, lovely ladies. That they’re relying on Google to do the dirty work for them, however, suggests that their social skills are about as well-developed as their internet skills.

Google may be a useful search engine, but it is not a pantie-dropper. To get laid, you’ve still got to have a modicum of wit, charm or money – attributes that are sorely lacking in the fail-tards who Google bored Edinburgh housewife.

But why?

This article was inspired by the number of hits Ed Uncovered receives for bored Edinburgh housewife. Given that I’ve never previously covered this topic, something tells me that the search traffic is only the tip of the iceberg. Now that I’ve actually written about bored Edinburgh housewives, the floodgates will surely be opened.

I’m so bored I’ve resorted to playing Noughts & Crosses on my thighs.

The question is, what do I do with the tsunami of perverts who are directed here? Should I mock them? Should I publish their IP addresses? Or should I help by redirecting them to legit sites that can sate the craving emanating from their loins?

No, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do: I’m going to help their victims. The genuinely bored Edinburgh housewives out there who are the subject of all these clammy-fingered Google searches. Ladies, this blog is dedicated to you.

I can’t stop men from searching for you, but I can help you by suggesting meaningful ways to fill your days. That way, you’ll never be bored again, and thus will never unwittingly become the subject of another bored housewife search.

Five things for bored Edinburgh housewives

The following list will not only aid genuinely bored housewives, but it will troll seedy men who are lured here in search of such quarry. The guys get blue-balled; the bored housewives get some useful tips, and I get to lol so hard that I start pissing kidney stones. In short, everyone’s a winner – apart from the deviants who arrived here via Google of course.

In real life, bored housewives don’t look like this – they look much hotter.

The truth is, bored housewives are actually pretty boring. That’s why they’re always bored. If you’re looking for the sort of housewives that are down for anything, then perhaps you should be searching for gee, I dunno, ‘Edinburgh housewives that are down for anything’. Actually don’t bother – you’ll only end up being directed here again. Double trolled.

For genuinely bored Edinburgh housewives, here are five ways to amuse yourself the next time you’re bored off your pretty, perky tits:

1. Go for cocktails at The Blackbird. With delectable concoctions such as the Sherbet Martini to enjoy (Finlandia, Chambord and cranberry, shaken with sherbet and served with a lollypop to dip), the afternoon will canter by and you’ll find yourself greeting the kids from school with an uncharacteristic spring in your step.

2. Join the Antisocial Writers Club at Word of Mouth. Write poetry, drink tea and feign interest in other people’s poetry. When that starts to tire, you can always switch to white wine.

3. Go shoplifting. Shoplifting is a popular pastime for bored housewives who can afford to purchase the goods but would prefer not to. I’ve seen it happen in Breaking Bad, The OC and over 9,000 other programmes, so it must be true.

It’s not shoplifting – it’s a cry for help.

4. Have a lesbian affair. As the world knows, there are no pretty lesbians out there: only dykes or heterosexual women masquerading as lipstick lesbians because they’ve yet to meet the right penis. Join them by having a brief fling with a fellow housewife you met at the Antisocial Writers Club. Bored men would love to watch such shenanigans, but will never get a chance because they’re too busy Googling bored Edinburgh housewife from their fetid basements.

5. Do my laundry. I’ve no wish to sound sexist (god forbid, in a blog as politically correct as this), but many housewives take pride in their home-making skills. If you’re a bored housewife, presumably it’s because you’ve already mopped the floors, fed the cat and are now twiddling your thumbs. That being the case, how do you fancy coming round here to do my chores? If my ironing won’t help alleviate your tedium, well, perhaps I can…

Truth be told, ladies, if you are looking for an Edinburgh male to relieve the monotony while your hubby’s offshore, you’ll want a man who has a certain way with words; charm, wit, social skills…in short, it’s me you’re looking for.

Genuinely bored Edinburgh housewives, get in touch via the contact page. I’m in good shape, can sustain an erection – without Viagra – and did I mention that I have my own blog?

tl;dr: I’m Mr Right, amirite?

Who’s mad?

I started this piece as a trolling attempt against hopeless Edinburgh males and ended up turning it into a thinly-disguised attempt at getting laid.  What are the odds?

If you’ve finished reading this blog in your capacity as a seedy old man then, as they say round these parts, ‘Nae luck’. You’ve just wasted ten minutes of your life that could have been better spent wanking.

—★★★—

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