By guest blogger
I’ve written about some strange topics in my time. In the past 12 months alone, I’ve blogged about rare earth metals, deaf cats and a feminist knitter who keeps her wool in a very strange place. Until today, however, I’d never felt compelled to tap buttons on a keyboard in order to defend my gender.
After reading Ed Uncovered’s 8½ Reasons Why Men Have More Fun Than Women, I knew I had to wade in. The article was clearly written tongue-in-cheek, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s blatantly wrong.
Give me a reason
The ability to point while peeing and “less guilt”? What sort of reasons are those? Laughably lame ones, that’s what. If you’re going to write listicles, at least write listicles that make sense. Besides, everyone knows that girls have more fun.
The article concluded: “If any girls want to write next week’s [rebuttal], be my guest…you’ve got one week to dish the dirt on us patriarchal pricks.”
Well Mr Ed Uncovered, thank you for the opportunity to set the record straight. I can’t speak on behalf of womankind but I can certainly speak for myself when I say that the following are just a few reasons why girls have more fun than boys.
We live longer
Female suicide rates are approximately six times lower than men but that’s not why we live longer. We live longer because we take care of ourselves and don’t eat shite. OK, so we sometimes eat shite, but that’s only when we’re hormonal. Or drunk. Or emotional. Look, we just live longer, OK? What’s it to you what we choose to eat?
We look fabulous
Bad hair day? Fixable. Bad face life? Fixable. From a flat chest to poor skin, it’s all fixable with little more than a push-up here and a powder there. Make up is our friend. Hell, we can even fix our height. If you’re a bloke born ugly, you’re screwed, while short-arsed guys are consigned to picking up the scraps left behind by their towering mates. Petite girls, on the other hand, are seen as cute. Speaking of double standards….
Fat is no problem
OK, so we obsess over our weight more than guys, but deep down, every woman knows that even if we do put on a little weight, you’ll still chase after us. Curvy blonde? Every guy wants a piece. Tubby bloke? No thanks. Excess weight on girls = bigger boobs. Excess weight on guys = forever alone.
We can take drugs in public
As Ed Uncovered conceded, taking drugs is easy when you’re a girl. Just pop into the cubicle with your mate and rack one up. I hear it ain’t so easy doing lines in the gents. Hold on, let me summon a suitably concerned reaction face…
Women are blameless
As every girl will admit – before promptly denying – women are a walking mass of contradictions. We’re caring but we’re callous. We’re sweet but we’re bitchy. We know what we want in life but we can’t decide what to wear to the shops without having an existential crisis. It may seem like we’re ditzy and confused, but that’s all part of the act. Being a woman means never having to accept the blame for anything.
Pulled for driving with no tax? “Oh, I leave all that to my husband.” (My mum actually said that once to the cop who stopped her.) Dropped a wine glass? “You were distracting me!” Caught cheating? “You shouldn’t be going through my messages!” Caught cheating again? “I want a divorce. And half of everything you own!”
From ducking out of DIY to waking up grumpy, nothing’s ever our fault.
We know how to play the system
Officially, men rule the world. Unofficially, we have men exactly where we want them. Let them chase after the top-paying jobs, political office and executive positions. It’s not that women can’t occupy these roles – we do, and what’s more we do them well – but for the most part we just don’t care. Go on, chase that promotion, climb that corporate ladder, die early of a heart attack or become an hero. Let men pursue power, assuming it will compensate for their sexual or financial inadequacies. Spoiler: it won’t. Life’s short enough as it is, without all the stress that comes from taking high-pressure jobs we don’t want.
We control you
Women can have sex any time they want. You know that thing guys do at 2am, circling the club in search of the least fat girl to take home? That’s a feel we will never know. As this article neatly explains, being born female automatically means that 70% of the opposite sex wants to get with you.
We can be picky. Guys have to take whatever comes their way because they don’t know how long it’ll be until their next shag. Suckers. Women need only flatter their eyelashes and snap their fingers for the boys to come running. Sometimes, we’ll turn down attractive guys just to troll them and dent their self-confidence. Wrap your head around that, alpha males with your “guaranteed” chat-up lines.
Women play the system
Women are more than capable of getting ahead in life without having to rely on looks. Since God’s made us pretty though, we may as well use these attributes to our advantage. Getting served quicker at the bar; always being welcome at parties; Ladies’ Nights; drinks promos; getting foolish men to pay for our shit.
Eight reasons why women have more fun than men – that was easy. I could recite more, but I’ll let you guys enjoy that extra ½ reason Ed Uncovered granted you in last week’s article. That way, you can convince yourself that you won on points….
…before crying yourself to sleep at the realisation that you’re living in a man’s world that’s controlled by women.
More fun. More life. Less stress. Being a girl is great. Fellas: you should try it some time.
You see that big bunch of “Go grrl!” words you just read? I have a confession to make: they weren’t actually written by a female guest blogger. They were composed by your regular host, Mr Ed Uncovered.
Apologies for the deception, but I wanted you to read them on the assumption that they were presenting a genuine counter argument, rather than, say, being the work of a gender-hopping blogger who in reality has no idea what it’s like to be a woman.
Looking back, it should have been obvious that the blog was mine: it’s got my literary fingerprints all over it. Soz.
Things we’ve learned today:
- Women have more fun than men
- I can only write in one style
- Arguing with yourself on the internet is kinda dumb
- It’s surprisingly easy for a man on the internet to masquerade as a girl. Who knew?