Every Christmas, the same ritual begins. The waiting. The speculating. The anticipation.
Will he come this year? Will he bring us more than he did last year?
For some doubters, he’s a dirty old man; for others he’s the very embodiment of Christmas. His name? Jizzus Christ.
One-man bottling plant
Every Christmas since 2007, our lord and saviour has uploaded a photo of some soda bottles. Each bottle is filled to the brim with cloudy lemonade. A man doesn’t earn the moniker of Jizzus Christ by pressing lemons of course. What’s in those bottles is twice as sour and three times as thick.
That’s because our anonymous benefactor doesn’t peddle in juice; his stock in trade is stale jizz.
The viscous gift traditionally arrives on Boxing Day – or Jizzmas as it’s known. That’s when Cum Bottle Guy (CBT) uploads his fap quota to /b/’s imageboard before pausing to soak up the adulation and then slinking back into the shadows to resume his life’s work.
If CBT delivers this year – especially if it proves to be a personal best – his legendary status will be assured, for another year at least. Cos that’s the thing about spaffing into soda bottles and sharing pics on the internet: you’re only as good as your last Jizzmas.
The Seventh Coming
As we near Jizzmas 2013, the question on everyone’s lips is will Jizzus return for a seventh successive year? Or will our hero abandon us, having moved on to better things?
> Implying there’s anything better than spaffing in soda bottles
Based cum collector
Across the interweb, CBG’s impressive feat has made him the stuff of legend. ED explains: “A hero from /b/ has been collecting his sperm in bottles for 5 years now. Every December 26th he posts his improved collection, a great man.”
- Why does Jizzus wank into a bottle? No one knows.
- Why does he post his gunk for the internet to inspect? No one knows.
- Who is he? No one knows.
- And will we be appearing this Jizzmas? No one knows.
All we can do is cross our fingers and pray for jizz by the bottle-load. As Urban Dictionary notes: “Rumors of his death sometimes circulate, but as of December 26th, 2012, the last “Jizzmas”, he was alive.”
At Christmastime, grown-ups look forward to a roast dinner and the Queen’s speech. For b/tards, however, it’s not Christmas until Jizzus Christ says it is. Early on Boxing Day, anticipation of the dark lord’s arrival reaches feverpitch. Thousands of devotees head to /b/ and start fervently smashing the F5 key.
Due to the post limit, the thread can 404 in record time. To leave your congratulations – and confirm that you were there on that pivotal day in human history – you need to be sharp.
Once CBG has delivered, the spaff collection is analysed and pored over in intricate detail. Volume is estimated, Exif data is checked in case of identifiers, bottle reflections are inspected (in the hope of glimpsing the elusive Jizzuz) and complex calculations are performed.
According to /b/, CBG ejaculates into a bottle twice a day on average, with his annual quota consisting of 4-10 litres of premium brotein.
Meanwhile, on Reddit, Cum Bottle Guy’s motives are debated wildly:
I cannot even imagine the stench that would instantly permeate into the room upon opening the cap to make another contribution.
Others are more sceptical:
it’s home made brew, aptly called, homebrew, made out of bakers yeast and sugar, that’s it, the bottom of the bottles is the dead yeast.
While some are wishful:
He should make a solution of diet coke and semen, and then drop mentos into the bottles, while he is running around the shopping mall, all while constantly ejaculating from the prankgasm.
And then the ultimate poser of all:
Imagine chugging all of those for 1 billion dollars.
While some may take a dim view of CBG’s antics, it can be argued that he’s just an extreme version of the hoarder that’s in all of us. Which man, hand on heart, can say they’ve never jizzed into a container and put it in the fridge just to troll their girlfriend? (Or imaginary girlfriend; whatever.)
Join in the fun
If you’re male and like to masturbate – i.e if you’re male – there’s nothing to stop you from competing against the great warrior himself for Jizzmas 2014. Start training now, with a view to bottling your efforts from Boxing Day onwards.
To have any chance of success, you’re going to need a montage, a guide to supercharging your jizz and also a link to some sperm recipes, just for the lulz. Oh, and have a motivational graphic, just to get your fap campaign kickstarted:
The beautiful thing about Cum Bottle Guy is that nobody knows who he is. He could be me. He could be you. He could be your dad.
Nevertheless, when Jizzmas rolls around, I think I speak on behalf of mankind when I say:
We are all Cum Bottle Guy.
Check out Jizzus Christ’s 2013 deposit here
By Ed Uncovered