Wow, what a shitty week it’s been for LinkedIn. The beleaguered business network has been rocked by a series of damning revelations after a security breach saw 6.5 million passwords pilfered and decrypted. The hack was prefaced by more unwelcome publicity regarding a major flaw in LinkedIn’s mobile app which allowed potentially sensitive information to be leaked. Not a great week then to be a LinkedIn member, shareholder or – God forbid – IT technician.
For many web users, LinkedIn’s latest woes were met with an indifferent shrug of the shoulders. Most of us stopped caring about LinkedIn around the same time that we stopped bothering to like our mates’ Facebook statuses. Until someone publishes an academic paper revealing that 500+ LinkedIn connections will enhance your fuckability, I see no reason to use the moribund site.
Could LinkedIn’s week get any worse? Probably not, but we’ll certainly do our best to gratuitously stick the boot in. Stomping victims while they’re down may be socially unacceptable, but it is ludicrously good fun.
For the record, I do care about LinkedIn, but only in so far as blogging about it cynically enables me to reap mad site traffic through the judicious application of SEO. (Next week on Ed Uncovered: “Nude Uncensored Snookie Pics!”) Just kidding guys – I write this shit purely for the lulz and the sheer unadulterated joy of writing. The cynically-produced copy comes later, when I return to my ‘proper’ job of crafting SEO-rich content with a 5% keyword density for the benefit of bland corporate clients. Not that I’m bitter about it or anything.
In an effort to prove that LinkedIn is so much more than just ‘that social network that got pwned’ Ed Uncovered presents Five Reasons – Five Additional Reasons – Why LinkedIn Licks Balls:
1. Dem Connections.
Thanks to its Kevin Bacon obsession, LinkedIn is desperate to connect the entire world. Did you know that you’re just two degrees of separation away from being connected to millions of like-minded douchebags? You guys may have less in common than Ashley and Cheryl Cole, but that doesn’t stop LinkedIn from trying to set you up together. What’s that – you work in the same industry as me? Woah, small world huh? Please accept my LinkedIn request. PS: You can come round any time you like and bang my wife. Due to our uncanny verisimilitude, she probably won’t even notice the difference. LinkedIn would like us to have as many connections as possible, and yet they never mention that the more connections a person has, the bigger a douche they are in real life. Over 100 LinkedIn connections? Small penis. Over 500? Virgin bed-wetter.
2. Dat Login.
When are you not logged in to LinkedIn? When you’re logged in to LinkedIn. This has to be the only site in the world that allows you to view your profile and compose messages without being logged in. Then when you hit ‘Send’, it prompts you for your password. Can’t remember your password off-hand? Bye bye lovingly-typed message. I’ll just have to recompose you later when I eventually remember my pass. Better still, I’ll just use Skype instead.
3. Dat interface.
Dat interface. Seriously, have you tried using LinkedIn lately – or indeed at any time in its history? The site looks like it was cobbled together using discarded code from Bebo and MSN. Professional business network? Bitch please – the whole thing looks about as attractive as a distended labia.
4. Dem pix.
What pictures? There aren’t any – of course there aren’t any; this is LinkedIn. Business may be srs bsns, but that doesn’t mean your LinkedIn profile should have to be duller than a retards convention. Would it be asking too much for a few images to brighten up those drab company pages and banner ads? Which leads onto my final point…
5. Dat ass.
Where the ladies at? Where the fellas at? We need moar self-shots. Moar I tell you! If there’s one thing this site’s missing, it’s dirties posing for self-shots. Like, seriously LinkedIn, get it sorted. How is Ed Uncovered supposed to audition the latest batch of aspiring interns without some sort of pictorial evidence of their attributes? A picture can tell 1,000 words. Words like ‘8/10, would bang.’ Right now, dirties pouting for mirror shots is the only thing holding Facebook together. Make it easier for us to perve on the opposite sex (under the guise of ‘networking’ of course) and perhaps we’ll start using your shitty site, LinkedIn. The worst thing is, even if you do find a particularly pleasing accounts manager to stalk – sorry, ‘connect with’ – you’re forced to create a LinkedIn troll account or she’ll notified of the 962 times you’ve checked her profile that month. Lame.
Oh, and did I mention that this is the same company that just had its database pwned by a bunch of bedroom-dwellers named ‘Vlad’?
You are the weakest LinkedIn. Goodbye.
“Enjoy your 6,000 LinkedIn connections while your credit card’s getting raped by Russian mobsters.”
“The nightclub scenes are so real, it feels like you’ve just boshed a couple of swedgers and taken a lapdance from your girlfriend’s best mate while she’s away at the bar. Yes, it’s that good.”