If you’ve ever swiped absent-mindedly through your phonebook, you’ll have reached three conclusions: 1. Half of these people you don’t know. 2. The other half only call you when they’re high. 3. You really ought to ring your mum.
Scroll through your phonebook. Exclude everyone you’ve fucked, kissed, scored from or done drugs with. How many numbers are left?
If the number of non-degenerates in your phonebook is….
5%: You’re a waste of a cumshot who should check yourself into the clinic to get that wart frozen and that habit kicked.
10%: Your parents never loved you and to compensate you’ve been self-medicating every since. You should probably delete those M-Cat dealers from your phone – it’s the current year for christ’s sake.
15%: Don’t think you’re anything special just because you’ve never hooked up or snorted with 15% of your phonebook. That’s probably, like, four people. Congratulations on not blowing your dad, asshole.
20% or higher: Enjoy your virginity.
Earlier, I put my phonebook to the degeneracy test. This is how it fared:
A
Drugs
Mate (coke)
Idiot client
Client (in the closet)
Mate (weed)
Dodgy mate
Weed
Would like to fuck
Ex-client
Spanish
Eccentric client
Sister
Italian (weed)
Client
B
Mate (weed)
Coke
Mate (coke)
Would love to fuck
Mate (weed)
Mate (uppers)
Client
Mate (weed/trips)
Cokehead mate
Mate
C
One night stand (rubbish)
Ex
Dealer (weed)
Nutritionist
Client
Mate (weed)
Client (beer)
Mate (weed)
Mate (beer)
Dealer (weed)
Mate (occasional weed/pills)
D
Dad
Mate (non-degenerate)
Mate (weed)
Mate (beer)
Mate (jail)
Guitarist in well-known band (weed)
Ex-landlord
Dentist
Mate (weed)
Client (Belgian)
Client
Mate (weed)
Mate (could have pieced, didn’t want to)
Mate (beer)
Girl (kissed and things, didn’t piece)
F
Gran
Client (would piece)
Female friend (kissed, seen tits)
Mate’s GF (seen in porno)
Client (leaves voicemails)
G
Sandwich shop
Ex-employee
H
Female friend (pieced once)
Female friend (pieced a few times)
Mate (weird)
Female acquaintance (should have pieced)
Mate (beer/weed)
I
Pieced a lot
Dated for three months
J
Dealer (weed)
Friend of a dealer
Mate (weed)
Mate (beer)
Mate (all sorts)
Friend’s dad (weed)
Mate (weed)
Client (leaves fucking voicemails)
Mate (weed)
K
Mate (everything, mental)
Female friend (pieced once, sexted a lot)
Photographer (would bang)
Tinder one night stand (too fat)
Mate (weed)
Dealer (coke)
Mate (weed)
L
Dated, didn’t piece
Two-night stand (won’t repeat)
Female friend (kissed, should have pieced)
Female friend (fapped over pictures of occasionally)
Female friend (seen n00dz)
M
Client (Asian, didn’t pay)
Mate (all sorts, degenerate fuck)
Mate (coke)
Mate (weed)
Tinder girl (never met)
Mate (weed/Buckfast)
Female friend (pieced a couple of times)
Mate (beer)
Mate (weed)
Girl (kissed, should have pieced)
Female friend (fucked a few times)
N
Pieced a bunch of times
Mate (coke)
O
Mate (weed)
P
Mate (weed)
Dealer (weed)
R
Mate/Tinder match (would have liked to piece)
Mate (pieced once)
Mate (coke)
Mate (pieced twice)
Random (bought stereo from)
Mate (beer)
S
Mate (all sorts, degenerate)
Dealer (weed)
Dealer (weed/coke)
Girl (no idea)
Mate (pieced once)
Mate (got blowie from)
T
Dunno
Dunno
V
Would bang
W
Mate (weed)
Mate (all sorts)
How degenerate is your phone?
