What does it take to get drunk? Why, it takes but two things: alcohol and a mouth. Craft brewers might boast about the natural goodness of their ales – spring water, malted barley and earthy hops – but at the end of the day, there’s only one ingredient we’re interested in: the ABV.
Will it get us smashed? Will it get us lamppost-climbing, wing-mirror-kicking, joyriding obliterated? If the answer’s ‘No’, we don’t want to know.
Sweetheart Stout? Babycham? You’re having a giraffe. It’s easier to sell Facebook shares than it is to sell low-alcohol booze, as anyone who’s arrived at a party clutching blue label Beck’s will attest.
If it’s crammed to the brim with alcohol, we’ll overlook the shitty taste, the cheap ingredients and the horrible packaging, because we’re a forgiving nation. The Americans are a vengeful bunch; they like their pound of flesh, which is why they’re still bleating about the Lockerbie Bomber. Here in Scotland we say forgive and forget (and not just because we jailed the wrong guy). We may have been nursing anti-English butthurt for the past 500 years, but that’s just petty tribalism, fuelled by their proclivity to act like sanctimonious pricks on occasions. For the most part though, we don’t mind the Nigels ignoring our football results and mentioning us in Parliament only when cursing the West Lothian question. Why? Because we’re an amiable, forgiving nation – plus we have Buckfast and they don’t.
Is it any wonder the English are mad at us, or that we’re too drunk to care?
It may look less appealing than Whitney’s corpse – and taste worse still – but Buckfast contains a vital ingredient that trumps slick packaging and lip-smacking flavour: alcohol. Fuck-tons of beautiful alcohol, augmented by a side portion of taurine, caffeine and a healthy dose of ‘The fuck you looking at, cunt?’
Buckfast, like all good drinks, contains oodles of heart-warming alcohol. In your quest to scale Mount Oblivion, you’ll need just one more essential ingredient – a set of lips.
[quote_center]Non-alcoholic drink is mankind’s worst ever invention, more abhorrent than the A-bomb, and yet non-drink alcohol is a thing of exceptional beauty.[/quote_center]
By conveying alcohol to mouth, it is possible for a man to get stupendously drunk – to the point where the action is reversed and the alcohol returns from mouth to glass along with last night’s stovies. This is Scotland, where we don’t drink for the taste of it – we drink to get drunk.
But what if I told you that only one of these ingredients was required to get drunk? What if I told you that it was possible to get wall-slammingly drunk without a drop of alcohol passing your lips? Would you lol? Rofl? Or would you vow to eschew tonguing tonic bottles in exchange for mastering this ultimate life hack?
Shut your mouth and open your eyes
It may only be Tuesday, with the vodka and coke sweats still dissipating after another star-spangled weekend, but it is also Tuesday, which means it’s only three days till the weekend. Time to start planning the debauchery, only this time round, you’re not gonna be drinking. This weekend, not a drop of alcohol shall pass your lips. To reflect your newfound maturity you’re going to get absolutely rinsed – without opening your mouth.
Think of it as the new you; same as the old you, but with nicer breath.
Drinking alcohol is so last week; this week everyone is chewing gum and getting smashed… on alcohol.
The only time you need open that filthy mouth of yours is when asking the cashier for a bottle of Govan champagne. Thereafter, you may as well sew it shut for all the action it’s gonna see between now and Monday morning.
Faster, Longer, Drunker
There used to be a time when humanity was driven by a thirst for information; a desire to discover shit. The wheel; sliced bread; the double-ended dildo – yep, they were all invented by us. Makes you proud to be a member of the human race, doesn’t it?
Sadly, we live in an era where most of the cool stuff has already been invented. As a consequence, we’re forced to spend our days dreaming up easier ways to perform the same tasks we’ve always performed; the same tasks we will always perform: eating, drinking and shagging.
We’re a lazy lot, which is why we’re obsessed with engineering labour-saving technologies: bigger, thinner, faster smartphones so we can browse faster, pay quicker, watch sooner. Contactless payment systems, Sky+ remote recording, baby monitors so we can ogle the au pair from the restaurant. Word is, you can even make phone calls now with your phone. What will they think up next to keep us sated and sedated?
Non-drink alcohol, that’s what.
Non-alcoholic drink is mankind’s worst ever invention, more abhorrent than the A-bomb, and yet non-drink alcohol is a thing of exceptional beauty. It looks just like normal alcohol – because it is just normal alcohol – but it’s administered quite differently.
How you choose to shovel the elixir into your body is your prerogative. I’ll willingly point you in the right direction, but the rest is up to you.
Competitive drinking is wrong, so I can’t reward anyone who ticks off all five methods this weekend. The best I can promise is a glowing write-up in next Monday’s blog and god-tier status for time indefinite. If you are planning to get creative with a length of tubing and a bottle of FuckStab this weekend, just remember the internet’s golden rule:
Abetted and illustrated by the ever-creative Allana Morrison, Ed Uncovered is proud to present its most responsible article yet:
Five Ways to Get Drunk With Your Mouth Shut
[vc_button title=”1. Eyeballing” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Eyeballing alcohol isn’t new – people have been attempting the feat since eyeballs and alcohol were first invented. It’s enjoying a renaissance at the moment however, buoyed largely by this article. Vodka may be the preferred choice of eyeball aficionados, though the only real limits are your imagination – that and your long-suffering eyeballs. Thanks to advancements in retinal transplant technology, there’s never been a better time to eyeball neat sambuca.
If your budget won’t stretch to a bottle of Glen’s, fear not – I know one Edinburgh rapper who eyeballed two litres of Strongbow, one bottle in each socket, proving that there may only be one ‘i’ in cider, but there’s cider in two eyes. I was once on the verge of eyeballing vodka, but then remembered that if I’d wanted to feel excruciating pain I would have grown a cunt and shat out triplets with big heads.
You don’t have to go blind in order to get blind drunk – though if you’re eyeballing alcohol, one usually leads to the other.
Advantages: Sober to Gestapoed in under 10 seconds.
Disadvantages: If it goes wrong, prepare to be name-checked in every Daily Mail article ever.
[vc_button title=”2. Injecting” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Injecting things used to be frowned upon, but these days it’s perceived as pretty cool. Anything worth having in life – including life itself – now comes in syringe form. Got wrinkles? Botox. Wanna bulk up? Roids. Want a kid but the laptop’s fried your sperm? IVF. Feeling cold? Try smack.
While the Western world’s been going cray-cray for needles, alcohol has remained stuck in the dark ages. Until now that is. Injecting alcohol is the sort of reckless pastime that makes eyeballing vodka seem safer than an Ed Sheeran album. Still, if you want to live dangerously but can’t afford a gun, injecting alcohol makes perfect sense. Go on – take a lurch on the wild side. Other than instantaneous death, what’s the worst that can happen?
Advantages: That 20-minute wait for your friends to become funny is eliminated. Alcohol injections skip all the foreplay and cut straight to the chase – the sort of chase that involves 50 police cars, spike strips and a live feed from a chopper.
Disadvantages: Disadvantages? To injecting alcohol directly into the bloodstream? Why, I can’t possibly think of any.
[vc_button title=”3. Snorting” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
So far, the mouthless techniques cited in this article appear to be following a predictable trend: bored teenagers invent new way to get drunk. Health workers, egged on by the Daily Mail, flip out. Cue much hysteria and butthurt.
Wouldn’t it be nice if someone could invent an alcohol-ingesting technique that was welcomed as a safe and viable alternative to drinking? One that would cause alcohol support workers to dismount their vertiginous steeds and concede ‘You know, although I wouldn’t advocate insobriety, this is a pretty cool way to get drunk. Mad props to the internet for popularising this one.’
Perhaps one day that utopian vision will come to pass, but it won’t be today and it certainly won’t be vodka snorting that’s met with universal acclaim.
Advantages: Snorting stuff looks cool as fuck. Whether you’re banging high-grade Bolivian or low-grade vodka, snorting is always the answer.
Disadvantages: According to health chiefs, putting things in your nose is bad for your nose. First they tell us we can’t get drunk with our eyes; then they tell us the nasal passage is off-limits. What next: a ban on using our mouths to get drunk?
[vc_button title=”4. Tampons” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
Last week, Ed Uncovered was writing about great names for vagina. This week, we’re discussing great things to put in your vagina. Excluding body parts, we’ve assembled a short list of one – and it starts with V and ends with odka.
Incidentally, why is it always vodka that people try and imbibe in unorthodox ways – why not whisky or Midori-soaked tampons?
The biggest decision faced by students buying alcohol is not beer or spirits but pussy or ass? Do they go for the vodka enema or the vodka tampon? Or do they just lie back like the whores that they are and take a quadruple dose of vodka in all orifices? You don’t need a mouth to get drunk – just a complete lack of self-respect and a willingness to take gallons of spirit in the vag and pooper.
If you’re a girl, you’ll want to sink that drink into your dedicated tampon tunnel, while if you’re a guy – or a girl with a regular tampon in her vag – you’ll want to stick it up your ass.
Advantages: Unless you’ve got an unusually attentive father, there’s no danger of him smelling vodka when you stumble home at 6am.
Disadvantages: According to Dr Lisa Masterton, co-host of The Doctors, ingesting alcohol in this manner will ‘literally destroy the vagina’ – an achievement previously accorded to porn stars and pathological liars.
[vc_button title=”5. Butt-Chugging” target=”_self” color=”default” href=”#”]
American fraternities are hothouses for repressed homosexuality, thinly cloaked in pseudo-heterosexual hazing rituals such as butt-chugging. This week’s bête noire in the US media, butt-chugging goes something like this:
- Attach funnel to rubber hose.
- Insert hose into anus.
- Pour in alcohol.
For bonus points, get your frat buddies to swallow the liquor that returns from swilling around inside your colon. Butt-chugging may seem like good, clean, harmless fun, but there’s also a darker side to it. If you’re not careful, you may find yourself recounting tales about old ladies who swallowed spiders to catch flies as you clench another mouthful of pillow while taking a royal fisting, all because you took a tube to get drunk and liked the tube so took a finger and liked a finger so took a cock and liked the cock so put an advert on Craigslist seeking bears to run a train on your ass.
Advantages: If you can butt-chug three bottles of Jack Daniel’s without shitting out your intestines, you automatically qualify as the frat champion of the world and receive an honorary doctorate to confirm your raging heterosexuality.
Disadvantages: Butt-chugging only leads to butthurt. Ask yourself this: when your future employer Googles you, what would you rather they found – your old Bebo account or an article containing the immortal line “Injuries to his rectum led hospital officials to fear he had been sodomized”?
>How to get drunk with your mouth shut
>How to get drunk with your mouth
> How to get drunk
FIVE WAYS. JUST DO IT.
The best song about alcohol you will ever hear – drunk or sober.
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