Do you wanna sell shit on eBay? If so, you’re in luck. The featured listing below will show you how to maximise interest in your eBay products – by encouraging people to get talking about them. Sure, it would be nice to actually profit off the gear you’re selling, but so long as people are talking about your stuff, who cares if they’re buying? We don’t have long on this planet – we’re all dying slowly from a combination of global warming, trans fats and binge drinking – which is why it behoves us to cram in as many lulz as possible before we’re rooted and RM’d from this green and pleasant land. There’s more to life than making money – as the following eBay listing demonstrates:


Native Instruments Traktor Kontrol S4 Midi Controller

Do you like girls and music? Do you like the idea of getting into music to get girls, but aren’t so keen on having to join a band simply to facilitate guiltless conquests with impressionable strangers? If so, you need to become a DJ – and not just any old DJ, but a Traktor S4 DJ.

It may look like the flight deck of the Starship Enterprise, but don’t let all those flashing lights and sliders deter you – this beast is deceptively easy to use. After four hours of pushing the S4’s buttons, you’ll have it making sweet, sweet sounds – provided your taste in music is as good as mine. Admittedly, some things are beyond even the Traktor’s control, so if you’re on a quest to create the ultimate James Blunt/Coldplay mash-up, here’s a time-saving tip: don’t bother. It’ll sound crap – even on the all-singing, all-dancing Traktor S4 with its flashy buttons and wikka-wikka scratch pads.

I’ve put all sorts of weird and wonderful beats through the S4 and have been rewarded with some banging tunes coming out the other end. Much as I’d like to take the credit for these multiple eargasms, it’s the S4 that deserves the accolades.

If you’d like to hear some proof, here’s a highly-fappable Phil Collins/Daft Punk mash-up that my flatmate threw together using this very unit:

If that doesn’t make you wanna bosh swedgers and chat nonsense at scantily-clad clubbers, you’re getting into this DJ game for all the wrong reasons.

OK, on to the boring but essential stuff:

This Traktor S4 is in excellent condition. It’s 12 months old and has never been gigged (I was too busy practising my DJ skills at home and getting wowed by the S4’s pretty lights). I’m travelling abroad next month so have reluctantly conceded that I’ll have to become a lothario superstar DJ in the next life. Still, my loss can be eBay’s gain: not only will you get this spanking new Traktor S4, but it will arrive at your front door in its original box and with the power cable and instructions included. Impressive.

I probably should have included some info about the actual features on this DJ mixer, but TBH if you wanna learn all that stuff, go read someone else’s Traktor S4 eBay listing – then come back here and bid on this one.

True story: when I bought the S4 a year ago, I was so illiterate I could hardly even spell my name, let alone write a rambling eBay listing. I’m ashamed to say I used to spew out colloquial stuff like kewl l8rs and SMH all the time in my textses. Ever since buying the Traktor however, I don’t know how or why, but my writing has improved exponentially, to the point where I can compose lucid, erudite eBay listings without even having to SMH at my poor grasp of the English language.

tl;dr: Please buy my Traktor S4. It’s awesome – just like you. You guys were made to be together.

Any questions? Ask away. I’ll take a break from fending off all these vacuous groupies to answer them promptly, I promise.