He came. Our saviour came.

After much speculation, amidst a backdrop of frenzied anticipation, Jizzus Christ appeared and came ~~buckets~~ bottles for the seventh year running. Call him Jizzus; call him Cum Bottle Guy; call him the post-modern hero the millennials deserve; it’s not his name that matters – it’s his method.

As Ed Uncovered previously explained, “Every Christmas since 2007, our lord and saviour has uploaded a photo of some soda bottles. The viscous gift traditionally arrives on Boxing Day – or Jizzmas as it’s known. That’s when Cum Bottle Guy (CBT) uploads his fap quota to /b/’s imageboard before pausing to soak up the adulation and then slinking back into the shadows to resume his life’s work.”

[tweet httpss://twitter.com/whisperednothin/status/416544074674348032]

On the surface, Jizzus’ antics may seem puerile. Tawdry even. Some pervert faps into a bunch of soda bottles for a bunch of other perverts to fap over and exchange virtual high fives? Grow up already.

But to dismiss CBG’s antics as being purely about jizz would be missing the point. Sure, it’s a guy spaffing into empty bottles for 365 days before uploading a pic of his mega brotein haul. But it’s also a whole lot more than that. In an age of rampant commercialism and mindless consumerism, Jizzus Christ harks back to a more innocent time, when gifts weren’t measured in pixel rate or screen size.

Our saviour doesn’t do this for money (despite /b/’s entreaties for him to auction off his spaff). Nor does he do it for e-fame; CBG is notoriously egoless, refusing to answer questions about his methodology or reveal intimate details about his life (because photographing your year’s quota of spunk doesn’t count as intimate).

You can keep your 4am Boxing Day queues and your black iPhones that are ridiculed for not being white. Fuck all the eating, drinking and whining to excess – you can keep all the bullshit that comes bundled with the season. For a growing army of devotees, Cum Bottle Guy embodies the true spirit of Christmas.

Seven seasons of semen

With the op-eding out of the way, it’s time for the main event – Jizzus’ jizz. Put down your turkey sandwich for a moment and feast upon the ghost of jizzmas past and present. He spaffed for our sins. Now show some fucking appreciation.

/b/’s reactions ranged from the excitable to the analytical:

I waited an entire year to see this thread”

WE LOVE YOU JIZZUS!”

Inspecting image. Nothing so far to show it is shooped. Sweet Mary mother of Jesus this might be real”

JIZZUS IS IT REALLY YOU? CAN WE GET MORE ANGLES?!”

how does the first bottle smell?”

I just ran his photo through multiple pieces of software and every bit of it confirms this picture is real”

how could a guy nick-named jizzus who has collected his jizz for 7 years get pussy?”

Bless you OP you glorious crazy bastard”

i haven’t slept in 25 hours waiting for you, you fabulous motherfucker. I’m not disappoint”

jizzus christ - the science behind the legend

Click for added science

Holy poop this really puts me in the Christmas spirit”

All hail our Lord and Masturbatory Savior. Our sacrifices pale in comparison to his dedication”

I WAITED A WHOLE YEAR TO SEE THIS”

OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JIZZUS IS BACK! I have a question, What about the smell?”

Yes! YES! he has risen and came before us all on this day of our Lord Jizzus! We were waiting for you!”

MERRY JIZZMAS OUR LOAD AND SAVIOR THY KINGDOM CUM THY WILL BE DONE”

I had to frequent this board all day in the hopes he would come AND BOY DID HE SURE COME. ive been following you for 4 years”

OP i will send you $40.000 by paypal or even bitcoin if you drink one of the big ones on live stream”

Jizzman has blessed this board. All who post in this thread will receive a plentiful load in 2014. our lord and savior – Jizzman”

This is what I came online for. thankyoubasedgod.png”

all hail cumbottles guy. now I can finally sleep in peace”

imagine just popping one of those mother fuckers open and chugging it like dark whiskey”

Better present than that ps4 i got”

i dont think ive ever been star struck up until now. like i cannot express my gratitude for all that you have done for us, truly a god amongst men”

JUST STOP AND THINK. THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU WERE TODAY, THE TIME AND YEAR. REMEMBER THIS MOMENT. WE GOT TO SEE OUR KING ONCE AGAIN”

Just imagine if someone saved their piss in bottles for an entire year….i only have about a week and a half and i have maybe 12 bottles”

Happy Holidays and have a great New Year Mr.Jizzman , i hope you will have plenty of nuts to bust next year. P.S why not make Bi-Annual cum bottle updates? we need to encourage you to keep going”

Why the fuck dis nigga jizz so orange? Been wondering for years. WTF do you eat?”

I thought they were the same bottles, but how can he add to them? In previous years’ pictures some of them have been almost full, and there have been some smaller bottles (like the one at the front of this years group) that don’t always appear? Is he just buying new bottles of the same brand? Are all of the previous years bottles being stored away somewhere in some Jizz archive, for one last glorious post before Jizzus is recalled to heaven?”

Haters gon’ hate

In spite of Jizzus’ altruism and distinct lack of fame-whoring, there are some who would question our saviour. Some disbelievers go so far as to suggest that Jizzus’ bottles don’t contain cum at all. According to the naysayers, those cloudy soda bottles could be filled with nothing more fertile than apple juice.

Those heathens are missing the point however. If – even if – those bottles of cum aren’t real and Jizzus is a charlatan, you know what? It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. We want to believe and so we will believe because Jizzus gives us a reason to believe. That’s just how faith works.

Happy Jizzmas.