He came. Our saviour came.
After much speculation, amidst a backdrop of frenzied anticipation, Jizzus Christ appeared and came
buckets bottles for the seventh year running. Call him Jizzus; call him Cum Bottle Guy; call him the post-modern hero the millennials deserve; it’s not his name that matters – it’s his method.
As Ed Uncovered previously explained, “Every Christmas since 2007, our lord and saviour has uploaded a photo of some soda bottles. The viscous gift traditionally arrives on Boxing Day – or Jizzmas as it’s known. That’s when Cum Bottle Guy (CBT) uploads his fap quota to /b/’s imageboard before pausing to soak up the adulation and then slinking back into the shadows to resume his life’s work.”
On the surface, Jizzus’ antics may seem puerile. Tawdry even. Some pervert faps into a bunch of soda bottles for a bunch of other perverts to fap over and exchange virtual high fives? Grow up already.
But to dismiss CBG’s antics as being purely about jizz would be missing the point. Sure, it’s a guy spaffing into empty bottles for 365 days before uploading a pic of his mega brotein haul. But it’s also a whole lot more than that. In an age of rampant commercialism and mindless consumerism, Jizzus Christ harks back to a more innocent time, when gifts weren’t measured in pixel rate or screen size.
Our saviour doesn’t do this for money (despite /b/’s entreaties for him to auction off his spaff). Nor does he do it for e-fame; CBG is notoriously egoless, refusing to answer questions about his methodology or reveal intimate details about his life (because photographing your year’s quota of spunk doesn’t count as intimate).
You can keep your 4am Boxing Day queues and your black iPhones that are ridiculed for not being white. Fuck all the eating, drinking and whining to excess – you can keep all the bullshit that comes bundled with the season. For a growing army of devotees, Cum Bottle Guy embodies the true spirit of Christmas.
Seven seasons of semen
With the op-eding out of the way, it’s time for the main event – Jizzus’ jizz. Put down your turkey sandwich for a moment and feast upon the ghost of jizzmas past and present. He spaffed for our sins. Now show some fucking appreciation.
/b/’s reactions ranged from the excitable to the analytical:
Haters gon’ hate
In spite of Jizzus’ altruism and distinct lack of fame-whoring, there are some who would question our saviour. Some disbelievers go so far as to suggest that Jizzus’ bottles don’t contain cum at all. According to the naysayers, those cloudy soda bottles could be filled with nothing more fertile than apple juice.
Those heathens are missing the point however. If – even if – those bottles of cum aren’t real and Jizzus is a charlatan, you know what? It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. We want to believe and so we will believe because Jizzus gives us a reason to believe. That’s just how faith works.
By Ed Uncovered