16 George Street
Tel: 0131 270 3939
‘Inhale life’ is Le Monde’s motto, and by ‘life’ they mean ‘large chunks of cocaine in our pristine toilets’. That’s not to imply that this opulent bar condones illegal drug use of course. Far from it. Nevertheless, it does seem strange to kit the restrooms out with fully lockable cubicles and horizontal surfaces that are just begging to be crumbled on. If Jesus himself were to pop in for a quick poo, I daresay he’d be tempted to chalk up a fat slug while clenching one off – that’s how good these immaculate toilets are. You really could eat your dinner off the bogs in here, although you’d likely lose your appetite once all the residual cocaine ground into the toilet seat kicked in.
Pooing in such lush surroundings may be optional, but inhaling life is mandatory in Le Monde. It would be nice to dismiss all the vacuous talk that pervades this establishment as mere cocaine chatter. Unfortunately, that’s how the patrons talk all the time – even when not lubricated with Peruvia’s only notable export. The clientele, as you may have deduced, consist of Charlie Sheened hedge fund managers, rich MILFS, desperately boring housewives and corpulent businessman. Or, as we here at Ed Uncovered like to call them, posh wankers. That’s not to imply that the patrons of Le Monde are any more odious than those of lesser establishments however. Every pub has its fair share of wankers; it’s just that Le Monde’s are posher – and thus more irritating – than most.
Life. Life everywhere
The bar’s decor is every bit as grand as that of its toilets, with leather, marble and purple up-lighting in abundance, yet always delivered tastefully enough to as not to distract the well-heeled guests from their inane conversations. Clustered ceiling lights cling to each other like oversized frogspawn; winding fairy-lit staircases tiptoe up to roped off private areas. One section of the bar is even wallpapered with gilt-framed photographs that are stuck together like ceramic tiles. Presumably their propinquity is to deter anyone from stealing them, as such missing pieces would be immediately evident. That’s not to say that an audacious theft is out of the question once suitably Sheened however – the EU blog welcomes any photographic evidence of Le Monde being denuded of its ostentatious trappings.
To call this lofty establishment a pub would be underselling it – this is a palace. Such a high accolade should not be confused with high praise however. While some pubs are shit due to their flat pints, condemned toilets and jakey regulars, Le Monde is the exact opposite – it sucks baws because it’s just so god-damn perfect. Where’s the character, the charm and the personalised service? Yes it’s slick and the decor is immaculate and the bogs are great for doing lineys in, yet when all that’s in your johnny pocket has been said and done, it leaves a listless hollow feeling, an ennui that no amount of overpriced cocktails can dispel. With every facet of Le Monde so well-appointed and elegantly tasteful, the cloying restraint can be stifling. It’s all you can do to resist tearing off your clothes, leaping up onto the bar and windmilling your cock/breasts frantically while screaming ‘F*** you all, I just sniffed drone in the toilets cos I’m not posh enough to do posh!’
That Le Monde promises so much and yet delivers so little should be no surprise – after all, this is the venue that’s attached to the abominable Shanghai club. With such a surfeit of riches injected into such an underwhelming space, it’s the sort of investment that makes the Edinburgh trams seem like a reasonably-priced family car. So long as the discerning public keep coming here however, Le Monde will continue to serve up its generic brand of dazzling blandness and luxurious mediocrity. Inhale life? I’d rather Heil Hitler, but then what would I know about class and distinction? I’m not even posh, and so I guess that just makes me an opinionated wanker.
Try: Sticking a gram up each nostril before attempting to engage any of the clientele in conversation
Avoid: Taking illegal drugs, because they’re illegal and any references to these throughout this review were solely for illustrative purposes
Pint of Kronenbourg: £3.85
Gram of cocaine: £40
Disclaimer: Le Monde do not tolerate the use of illegal drugs. This respected venue offers a strict BYOB policy. So if you do wanna get wired and talk trash here, be sure to bring your own bag.