Tinder, an app that allows users to judge potential partners in a single swipe, was one of last year’s success stories. The Snapchat of dating, it promises easy hook-ups without the need for an elaborate profile or alter-ego. Swipe, like, swipe, dismiss, swipe, like, match, chat – that’s all there is to it.

Millions have now downloaded the matchmaking app and begun swiping through profiles in their quest for love, laughs and…lemons? We’ll get to the citrusy bit in a moment, but first a quick overview. Tinder is an app that’s designed to link with your Facebook – but without allowing other users to actually view your FB. All they have to go on is your first name and the handful of profile pictures you’ve approved. Write a one-sentence bio (optional) and you’re ready to go.

Time to play

See a profile you like? Hit the heart symbol. If the user sees your profile while browsing and likes it back, you’ll both receive a notification. Snap! Tinder is a clever piece of kit; attractive women, who would otherwise be bombarded with desperate messages, will only be notified if they’ve also liked the profile of their suitor.

You’ll do

Although ‘suitor’ is perhaps too nice of a word for Tinder – the app’s not that noble, let’s be honest. It may be classier than Plenty of Fish, but then so’s having a dozen African Americans bust on your face.

Fap roulette

While Tinder is ostensibly about dating, the app’s quickfire design and ubiquity has also made it a source of pub entertainment. The fun to be had from dismissively flicking through profiles with your mates cannot be overstated. Guys can be cruel, girls can be bitchy and Tinder can be hilarious. If you’re feeling really mean, turn your catty comments into a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill, casually calling out profiles as you swipe.

One amusing game I’ve discovered is Tinder Roulette. With wifi disabled, my 3G struggles to load profile pictures, leaving nothing more than a name, age and blank screen to work with. (A bio too if you’re lucky.) Like or dismiss profiles at break-neck speed using what scant clues are at your disposal. (“Ashlee 23, sounds like a goer. Morag 34, nope.avi.”) Later, when you’re back in the warm world of wifi, discover the true horror of the ham beasts you’ve been matched with. (Thankfully there’s a block button to remedy your earlier impulsiveness.)

No fire without Tinder

With Tinder being the simplest dating app ever invented, you’d think it would be impossible to fail at. As it turns out, a surprising number of people struggle to master its piss-easy formula. Bad photos and god-awful bios are among the worst crimes that are perpetrated.

tl;dr check my rack

Thankfully Ed Uncovered, as always, is on hand to render assistance. If Tinder can’t get you laid, perhaps I can. I’ve identified five recurring themes that could be hindering your chances of finding love (and by love read: a warm tunnel of flesh). First though, a confession…

Ahem

As a bloke with a gf – the very same gf who is occasionally trolled in this blog – I technically shouldn’t be playing with Tinder. What if I were to like a profile and they liked me back and then we fell in love and wound up rutting on a park bench? It’s always a possibility. Then again, it’s possible I could lock eyes with a random stranger in the supermarket and find myself in a similar clinch. I saw it happen once in a porno, so it must be possible.

Excuse me

One of the great things – possibly the only great thing – about being a blogger is that it can be used to explain away a plethora of awkward situations.

“Why is there a hook-up app on your phone?”

“Cos I’m gonna write a blog about it.”

“Why did you order 72 litres of hydrogen peroxide under a false name to my parents’ address?”

“Cos I’m gonna write a blog about it.”

Works every time.*

*So far.

Science on your face

After a month of sporadically flicking, clicking, dismissing and liking, I’ve discovered a few interesting things about Tinder. Because I wasn’t actually trying to get laid (a story which I’m vehemently sticking to), I didn’t spend too long honing my profile – a couple of lame selfies and a two-word bio were all I added. For the record, I’d say I’m an average-looking guy, certainly no nastier than all the other average-looking guys liking their way through vast swathes of Tinder’s female database.

Poor husband, married to a Lidl carrier bag

I didn’t keep track of how many profiles I liked but it probably numbers into the thousands. At first I went to the trouble of reading each member’s bio and scrolling through their pictures to get a feel for them. After a while though I got bored and took to rapid-fire liking anyone who looked vaguely ~~bangable~~ dateable and who I didn’t share mutual Facebook friends with. Soon, it became a repetitive blur of Lauras, Chloes and lemons; data entry for daters.

Either I have an aborted foetus growing out the side of my head or getting laid is harder than you’d think”

At a conservative estimate, I’d say I’ve liked 1,500 profiles. Perhaps half of these will have chanced across my profile while performing their own perving. Of this number, just seven liked me back.

That’s less than 1%.

Two of the girls didn’t follow up our ‘match’ by getting in touch and can probably be dismissed as accidental likes (easily done when you’re speed dating your way through the teenies’ version of Hot or Not). Of the five women who bothered to say hi, three were HELL NAW material. I must have liked their profiles while drunk or, more likely, while playing Tinder Roulette with my wifi disabled. From a starting count of around 1,500, only two attractive girls matched and contacted me – and both of them were spam accounts.

Because you want me to pay for your plane ticket from El Salvador

Great success!

So there you go: either I have an aborted foetus growing out the side of my head or getting laid on the world’s easiest hook-up app is harder than you’d think. In saying that, two of my mates have enjoyed success with Tinder so it must be me; let’s just put it down to my heart not being in it. That way I can protect my precious feelings and my girlfriend can believe that I wasn’t really trying with Tinder (those 1,500 profiles meant nothing to me darling, it was a moment of madness).

For the record, I’d like to state that I had no intention of pursuing any of my matches – and not just because the hotties were fake and the 2/10s were 2/10.

Seems legit

One thing I did notice – pay attention here guys – is that when you open the Tinder app after a couple of days, one of the first profiles it randomly displays will often be a potential match. In other words, the girl has already liked your profile. You won’t know this until you like hers back however. If you’re looking for love fellas, try liking one of the first profiles that appears after you reopen the app. Even if her personality is a bit on the bubbly side.

Dem lemons

So that was my Tinder dating experience. I can’t score with the aid of technology and I probably can’t even score with my gf after this, so I may as well put my sudden spate of free time to good use by helping others. Ladies, I’ve looked at your profiles, and while most of you are attractive and lovely, your presentation could use a little work. For example:

If you’re clutching a drink in every single pic, I’m going to assume you’re a raging alcoholic. And my assumption will be right.

Your children are delightful, I’m sure, but what the hell are they doing in your profile picture on a dating website? How am I supposed to fap when my Tinder feed keeps getting jacked by your progeny?

WTF is this shit? 2/10 WNB

Blurry/red-eye pics: Hello, this is 2014 when the average phone comes with TWO FUCKING CAMERAS and yet the best you can produce is a grainy image that looks like something out of Blair Witch Project? Lazy women like you don’t deserve horny guys like mankind.

Lemons. I promised we’d get to lemons, didn’t I? Girls, what is your obsession with mentioning lemons? “If life gives you lemons, make X with them.” Unless you’re a professional stand-up comedian do not even think about dropping that shit in your bio. I lost count of the number of girls who attempted that trope, but I can tell you that all of their answers were shit. See also: “If you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” If you can’t conceive a better bio than that, you don’t deserve my average cock which (for the benefit of my gf) I wasn’t going to give you anyway, not even if you were an 8/10 within two miles of my location.

Photos with guys. Hey girl, you’re kinda cute, but who’s that protein-guzzling meathead you’re wrapped around – your BF? Brother? Gay best mate? Psycho stalker ex? Sorry, I’m gonna pass.

Girl friends. It’s nice that you’ve got girly mates you can pull duckfaces with in your profile shots, but which one is you: the cutie or the ham planet? Again, that’s a risk I just can’t afford to take.

Thankfully there are also moments of win:

> inb4 my gf cross-examines me. (“Why her?”)

Ladies, now that you’ve read my tips on what not to do on Tinder, I’ve got one final piece of advice for you: disregard everything I’ve just written. Go on, strike it from memory. As this article clearly shows, women can create the most obnoxious profiles imaginable and men will still come calling. Why? Because we’re men.

Guys: see that list of pointers I’ve just aimed at the ladies? Take them and apply them to yourselves. You might not harp on about lemons, but I suspect you’re guilty of all the other crimes. Get it sorted for your dick’s sake – those women are a picky bunch. I should know.