“Son, if you are reading these words, as you inevitably will, it means I am no longer with you. I may be gone, but I leave behind my digital estate; 20GB of Instagram pics, an abandoned Tumblr and my pride and joy – a Twitter account with 12,000 followers.

My solicitor has the password.

Look after the account and it will look after you, as it did for me. May Twitter bring you many years of internet drama, breaking news, social connections and cats. My Klout score is 62, though it may have diminished somewhat following news of my death.

If you’re curious about my physical assets, your sister is to receive the apartment and my vintage first edition Google Glass. She was never a digital native like you and, while my decision may anger you, it is my hope that one day you will come to thank me. The time has come for you to stand on your own feet.

12,000 followers may not seem a lot, but it’s the best I could do during my time on this earth. Now I have gone to a better place, to be reunited with Facebook and the fail whale. Take this modest digital asset and use it to your advantage: start a business, take up comedy or become a writer just like your old man. I always said you had a way with words, even though you were more interested in frittering away your teenage years in those VR machines.

Their simulations are convincing, I’ll concede, but remember – VR is not life. Twitter is life. You won’t remember the days when people used to venture outside; all that petered out when you were still in e-nappies and bitcoin was still under $100k. How the years have flown! You may mock its simple two-dimensional interface, but Twitter is the closest thing we have to genuine human interaction. Cherish it.

I will leave you with my golden rules of Twitter. They are not compulsory – god knows it was hard enough getting you to heed my advice when I was alive – but you would do well to follow them. They have served me well over the years.

The Golden Rules of Twitter

• If it won’t fit in 140 chars, it’s probably not worth tweeting

• Retweet friends over strangers – but only if they deserve it

• Subtweeting is rude

• Better to take your time over a tweet than to rush it and have to edit

• Hashtag sparingly

• Be interesting, be funny or GTFO

• No one cares about your bad day

• Emojis are overrated

• Avoid retro memes – doge hasn’t been funny in years

• Just accept that you will never understand black twitter

• Should you change my password, choose a strong one of at least 100 characters

• Don’t waste your time sexting via DM – girls aren’t DTF in real life these days

• Never go full retard

• Trolling is an art form – master it or leave it to the pros

• If you must troll, do the decent thing and create a troll account

• Tweet unto others as you would like to be tweeted. Unless they’re being a dick, in which case call them a cunt monkey and send them goatse

Finally, short Twitter names may be in high demand, but I beg you not to sell the account. We have held a six-character name since the dawn of Twitter. Do not blight your family’s good character.

Science bless you,

Dad.x

Inspired by a chat with The Sock Thief

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