Ching, Chico, Tony, Snow. Candy, Powder, Yeyo, Blow. It doesn’t matter what you call it – it’s what you do with it that counts. Co–ca–i–na!

Let’s be frank

Great coke is great fun, while crap coke is still better than none. If you don’t enjoy boshing beak, you’ve clearly been taking the wrong coke.

We’d love to warn you off the stuff, but let’s be frank: it doesn’t matter what Ed Uncovered thinks about sniff any more than it matters what the po-po think: if you’re into coke, you’re gonna take it in public no matter what. All we can do is help you avoid getting caught.

This might be the most responsible blog we’ve ever written.

Ways to take coke in public

Rack ‘em up

The most common means of demolishing a slug is to chalk one up in the bogs. If your local has a full-length toilet door, you’re in luck. Go on: linger over that line. You deserve it.

Drawbacks: Racking up coke in pub toilets – or worse, in nightclubs with over-attentive bouncers – is hazardous. If you have to do it, be quick and be quiet. Pre-roll a note to save time – making sure to uncrumple it before getting the next round.

Straw bag

Dave’s coke habit was getting worse

Grab a straw from the bar, walk into the cubicle, wap out the sherbert and snort one straight from the bag. Quick and effective.

Drawbacks: It’s often too effective. If you’re not careful, half the bag will be gone in one toot and you’ll wake up with no recollection of hiring that trannie. Or strangling him.

Finger bump

You see that loose bit of skin between your thumb and forefinger? Some call it the wank flap; others the hand vag. We prefer to think of it as a coke holder. If you’re sly, you don’t even need to go to the bathroom to administer a bump. Prop a pub menu between you and the bar staff. Tip the ching onto your hand, duck behind the menu and snort hard. Winrar.

Drawbacks: It’s hardly the most efficient method of taking coke. The residue that winds up all over your face? That’s the angels’ share.

Bullet

Keep a coke bullet on a chain around your neck. When the opportunity presents itself, inhale deeply and wait for Columbia’s finest to bludgeon its way into your skull with those good-time feels.

Drawbacks: The average bullet doesn’t hold much pooder. You’ll be lucky if it sustains your raging habit, let alone your greedy mates.

Make a phone call

This one’s something of a personal triumph. Me and a mate (we’ll call him ‘—‘) devised an effective method for passing coke without fumbling with the bag in a crowded pub. We would remove the battery from a spare phone, stash the bag and replace the back cover. The line, when one needed a line, was “Going to make a phone call.”

Drawbacks: You’ve still got to rack one when you reach the bogs.

Rock it up

Smoking coke in a pipe – either at home or in the club – is a very bad idea. Stick to power and stay classy.

Drawbacks: Drawbacks? To freebasing cocaine? You do the meth.

Be a girl

If you’re a girl, ignore this article and stick to what you know: taking your best mate into the cubicle for a line. Girls are allowed into the bogs in pairs. It’s just another way in which our matriarchal society oppresses the white man. Those misandrists really need to check their privilege.

Warning: If you take cocaine, you could have a heart attack and die. Or worse still, wind up owing your dealer thousands of pounds.

By Ed Uncovered