What did we do before Twitter? Ah, who cares. Given that everything on Twitter has a lifespan of precisely six minutes, it’s hard remembering what we wrote 140 characters ago, never mind struggling to recall how we interacted in the Dark Ages of the Internet (aka the early noughties).
Now it’s 2013 and we’re hopelessly addicted to Twitter, along with a bunch of less insidious vices including crystal meth and chipotle. Given that our voracious internet habit shows no signs of abating, we may as well embrace it and squeeze every last drop of enjoyment out of everybody’s favourite micro-blogging platform (a phrase I promise never to use again).
Twit me up
In fairness to Twitter, it’s got a lot going for it: it’s not Facebook for a start, and unlike the rest of the web’s big companies, it hasn’t been complicit in handing your data over to the NSA, albeit because its users tweet incriminating shit on a public-facing website, negating the need for a secret indictment or government-mandated backdoor. It’s all there in your timeline: the rage, the butthurt and the time you called Dick Cheney a n–––– because he was being a n––––.
As a white man, I’m prohibited from using the N-bomb. Thankfully my Zimbabwean picture editor can post whatever the hell he likes because muh racial privilege.
Given the Twittersphere’s notoriously short attention span, I’m going to stop flirting with the N-bomb and cut to the chase: here are the 10 best Twitter accounts of 2013. No debate. No argument. We’ll save all that for Twitter. Here, on WordPress, Ed Uncovered’s word is gospel (though feel free to use the comments section to disagree with everything I’ve written).
Some of these accounts will make you smarter. Some will make you more socially aware. And then there’s @NewspaperDickz, which will help you appreciate the mirth-inducing properties of a well-placed phallus.
The srs bsns can come later. Let’s start things off with a big bag of dicks.
Derided by the internet as 20th century relics, newspapers endure a torrid time. They’re always out of date. Their circulation is falling. And they’re more interested in framing ‘coke shame’ celebs than getting to grips with The Biggest Mass Surveillance Programme in the History of Civilisation. Now, just to compound the misery, someone thought it would be a great idea to create a Twitter account featuring newspapers that have been defaced with dicks. Bravo.
httpss://twitter.com/NewspaperDickz/status/349282679767842819
httpss://twitter.com/whisperednothin/status/349312927909675008
Every slut, swagger and shagger under 25 knows who Hunter Moore is. Ed Uncovered first delivered the tl;dr on Hunter in October last year before going on to interview America’s favourite asshole. In the press he’s described as an internet pornographer, revenge sex playboy and The Most Hated Man in America. The truth is Hunter Moore is all of these things rolled into one, which makes him a troll – one of the greatest trolls of our generation no less. Hunter Moore: Come for the boobies. Stay for the lulz.
httpss://twitter.com/Huntermoore/status/349321237413101568
Double Jake is Topiary, aka the genius behind @LulzSec’s epic Twitter adventures. Regular readers will attest that Ed Uncovered has something of a literary crush on the simple prankster turned swank garden hedge. Jake’s previously been canonised and eulogised here, here and here. Here too in fact. Dammit, this Topiary adulation needs to stop.
httpss://twitter.com/atopiary/status/94225773896015872
httpss://twitter.com/DoubleJake/status/348922897152241665
Social media managers with Digital Branding degrees would kill for Topiary’s tweets. @DoubleJake is the account that @BetfairPoker wishes it was. Whatever you end up doing Jake, please don’t go and work for Coca Cola. The internet loves you just the way you are.
httpss://twitter.com/LulzSec/status/93086374558826496
httpss://twitter.com/DoubleJake/status/348890727008317440
We’ve had Newspaper Dickz and Hunter Moore; now it’s time for a couple of serious accounts, starting with Glenn Greenwald. As you may recall, he’s the Guardian journalist who broke the NSA PRISM story and who’s been fighting Edward Snowden’s corner ever since – as well as vigorously defending the public’s right to know what its government is getting upto. Glenn Greenwald is that rare thing: a journalist who actually investigates shit. Allow his righteous rhetoric into your timeline and the world will start to make sense.
httpss://twitter.com/ggreenwald/status/348204647879680000
To lazily plagiarise ourselves, EU wrote last year that “Jacob Appelbaum is a security researcher, developer and leader of the Tor project which helps people anonymise their internet browsing (so they can look at pr0n). He’s also an outspoken critic of government tyranny and best buds with the other JA – Julian Assange. In short, he’s one of the good guys.”
httpss://twitter.com/ioerror/status/349663424097173506
If you give even the slightest fuck about The Bigger Picture and All The Bad Shit That’s Happening In Our World, give Jacob Appelbaum a follow. He’s a genuine hero.
And now for the rest…
Best Activism Accounts
One of the longest-running Anon accounts, AnonymousIRC is prone to disappearing off the internet for weeks at a time. When it does tweet, listen up as it generally means that shit has just gotten real.
httpss://twitter.com/AnonymousIRC/status/349316012962889728
Asher Wolf: She’s an Aussie, she’s a feminist and she tweets a lot. These may not sound like the ingredients for a great Twitter account, but Asher is awesome because she speaks her mind and doesn’t care who she pisses off.
httpss://twitter.com/Asher_Wolf/status/349195832400158720
This satirical account is as sharp as a jilted NSA analyst. If only all three-letter agencies were this humorous.
httpss://twitter.com/FearDept/status/349464725328900096
Best Scottish Accounts
Finally, closer to home, these are my favourite Scottish tweeters. Some are mates and some are randoms but all of them have something to say about something.
An exiled Scot in Dublin. Far funnier than his follower count would suggest. Go add a digit onto that shamefully low number and make his day (he’s easily pleased).
httpss://twitter.com/5ea5erpent/status/343343131040821248
Another exiled Scot, this self-deprecating writer is sharp and sardonic. He also runs a rather good blog at DanielAgnew.org.
httpss://twitter.com/DanielAgnew/status/347299507752542209
Edinburgh/ex-Aberdeen lass who’s smart and funny. A lethal combination.
httpss://twitter.com/kirstenin/status/347603651314978816
When she’s not banging on about her beloved football team, The Sock Thief provides excellent commentary on the minutiae of everyday life.
httpss://twitter.com/serialsockthief/status/346956620061880322
Writer, filmmaker, runner and all round entertainer. When he tweets, people (sometimes) listen. And so they should.
httpss://twitter.com/m_maclennan/status/345445477149454336
Provided you weren’t counting too closely, you’ve just read The 10 Best Twitter Accounts of 2013. Any glaring omissions? Stick ‘em in the comments below or send a barbed tweet in EU’s direction.
—★★★—
Follow @whisperednothin < Follow EU for more stuff like this.
Moar from Ed Uncovered
- The 10 Smartest Twitter Accounts (And Why You Need Them In Your Life)
- The 10 Dumbest Twitter Accounts (And Why You Should Be Following Them)
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