Guest blog by Reticent Bob
Oh watering hole where are you now?
I’ve searched on hands and feet
A quiet place to have some drink
A place for girls to meet
So as I walked upon that road
Good sir with flyer in hand
Halted me and said direct
“Bucking Bronco night?”
Pubs. Clubs. Places in which to drink and get drunk and rub yourself against other people drinking, getting drunk. Without doubt the pub/club is one of the pinnacles of human achievement. Others might look to penicillin or the television or the telephone and say, “Wow, haven’t the Scots invented everything?” but I’m too busy drinking to listen.
That’s because drinking is brilliant. It’s about the best thing you can do with your free time or anyone else’s.
That’s not to say the pub and club scene is flawless however. Far from it. Increasingly, we find our nightclubs spoiled by little annoyances which impinge on everyone’s enjoyment. Fake Mitsubishis aside, let’s launch this list and call time on all the useless duds that need to get the hell out of our drinking dens.
What is a club photographer? A pervert with a prop. Club photographers are social misfits who have nothing going for them except for the size of their incredibly large lens.
“Hey girls, want to get your photo taken?” they ooze as they begin flashing at a group of teens dressed in tit tape.
“Oooooh!” scream the tit-taped teens as they gather round his bulky appendage.
“Here pal, can you take a photo of me and my mate Paul?” you ask, but the club photographer ignores you and puking Paul as he swans off to find more teen twinkle tits. Twat.
Who are they? Why so orange?
One of the best things about bars is they have bars in them. When you need a drink all you need to do is walk towards one and place your order. If you’re drinking fast you can order two drinks at a time. One of them can be a shot if you like.
So what then is the purpose of the shooter girl?
Sure, she looks kinda nice if you squint a bit, but her very presence is an insult to any man with half a brain. The true purpose of the shooter girl is to make dumb guys buy endless shots they don’t really like in an attempt to extricate the shooter girl’s number.
You’ll never catch me falling for that because I’m not a stupid drunken loser idiot. And anyway, they never give it to you.
When was the last time you forgot how to wash your hands? That’s right, fucking never.
Bucking broncos, trampolines and twister are some of the best fun you can have when you’re sober or when you’re twelve. If you’re drinking you should be neither. That’s why they don’t belong in nightclubs, because with alcohol the good times just take care of themselves.
Sober people – Jesus H Christ – need activities. They’re always out, cycling round something or climbing over something or swimming through something, before dying of heart attacks with the smell of cow shit on their shoes. On my last day on earth, I want to go full River Phoenix. The only time he ever ran was to the bathroom to do a line.
When you’re drunk all you need is a bench and some newspaper to sleep in. No trampolines required. If that’s not enough escapism, nurture a drug habit or start a fight. Cramming in ‘fun activities’ shows you’re trying just a little too hard to act like a drunken idiot. That’s alcohol’s job.
As I continued to walk down the street with a Bucking Bronco flyer in hand, I explained to Ed Uncovered the idea behind this article. It was then we noticed a new club on Aberdeen’s Bridge Street: Underground. It wasn’t open but we went in anyway.
The owner, who was decorating the top floor, welcomed us inside and began extolling the virtues of his new club. Rattling through a list of upcoming events, he proudly stated, “Oh, we’ve also got another Hot Tub Night – that’s a really good one.”
I looked at Ed Uncovered and caught a smirk. A Hot Tub Night? It would surely be golden material for this article.
It was then we were treated to a selection of snaps from previous Hot Tub nights. We looked scientifically and we looked hard.
There’s a lot of shit you don’t need in nightclubs, but trust me on this one: Hot Tubs belong.