Guest blog by @Rdbisgod
Yesterday, somebody wished me a “Happy Christmas Eve Eve”. I’m not sure if I’ve ever wanted to punch someone as much as I did in that moment.
When I’d calmed down and rinsed their blood off my trainers, I got thinking about other irritating ‘modern’ sayings. If these phrases don’t annoy you, that’s probably because you’re guilty of using them yourself. Get it sorted. And before you ask, yes, I do have anger issues – all of which can be solely attributed to the following phrases:
Literally, in almost any context, is painfully misunderstood by the masses. It never fails to boil my piss when I hear such nonsense as “I’m just popping to the shop, I’ll literally be two minutes.” No you won’t. Not unless the shop is in your front room and you’re ‘literally’ popping in without stopping to purchase anything. “I could literally eat a horse.” What, whole? Barbecued? Now? Shut up.
#9. ‘LOL’ spoken aloud
LOL is bad enough in the written form; once in every hundred instances will the loler have actually laughed out loud. Any human being who utters the term ‘LOL’ deserves to be jacked as hard as possible in the genital region. Literally.
#8. ‘There were more than…….’
It’s fine when it’s a nice round number: “There were more than 50,000 in attendance”, but when the media come out with shit like “there were more than 23 reported cases last year” it infuriates me. You mean there were 24 cases then? Why not just tell us how many there were, instead of forcing us to perform mental arithmetic. Yes I can add one, but I’d rather not have to. That’s your job.
#7. ‘Wine o’clock’
This one really does my head in. Cracking a lame joke doesn’t hide the fact that you’re a raging alcoholic with a liver like a tequila worm. It’s not beer o’clock – you’re just going to the pub. It’s okay, you’re an adult, you can just say it. I won’t judge you any more than I currently am, I can assure you.
#6. ‘Cheeky wee wine.’
#5. Ridiculous points of reference
You’re watching a documentary about dinosaurs or Chantelle Houghton’s arse when the narrator tries to put the scale into perspective by likening it to a series of other incredibly large objects; football pitches, double decker buses or Eiffel Towers. Patronise us some more, why don’t you. We’re not all cretins incapable of using scientific units – just tell me its size for fuck’s sake! Meters; feet; kilos; pounds. I can imagine how big a T-Rex must be; twelve double decker buses on the other hand? Last time I checked, buses wasn’t an acceptable unit of measurement. I’m going to start telling women my penis is six inches “which is the equivalent to three football pitches laid end to end.”
Being called ‘Mate’ when I don’t know the person pisses me right off. You’re not my mate. And I imagine I probably won’t be yours either if you call me that again and I’m forced to poke you in the eye with a stick.
#3. Impossible percentages
When a manager claims someone is giving more than 100%, it makes me want to hurl things through my television. “He’s a player who always gives 150%.” “Every week when you come out and sing, we know we’ll always get 120% from you.” 100% of the time, you’re an idiot.
#2. ‘Nom nom nom’
For years now this onomatopoeic phrase has been torturing me on social networks, typically when people feel compelled to share their aborted foetus of a dinner. When I’m Prime Minister (it’s only a matter of time), anyone who uses the term ‘nom nom nom’ will be eviscerated before having their remains scooped into a bowl and uploaded to Facebook. Nom nom nom.
#1. Verbal garbage
Finally, anyone who indulges in the following should be given several lashes in the town square:
Using the word ‘like’ numerous times throughout a sentence.
Prefixing a word with “hashtag”.