Guys are dicks. Everyone knows that. Guys know it. Girls know it. The police know it. Only mothers refuse to admit that their offspring are utter dicks.

Men may not act like cocks all of the time but we do it most of the time, and that makes us dicks in my Illustrated Book of Phalluses.

In spite of men’s knobbish tendencies, girls will overlook their partners’ indiscretions – to a point. Dickish behaviour is shrugged off as ‘boys being boys’, or even denied outright: ‘My lad’s nothing like his pals.’

Sex, obvs.

Sorry to break it to you girls, but all men are as bad as each other. It’s just that some of us are better at disguising it than others.

This might be the most honest blog I’ve ever written. It might also be the most unpopular.

An open letter to the ladies

Girls, when you say that guys think with their dicks, you’re right. What you probably don’t grasp is just how right you are.

We don’t check out attractive women. We check out women. Fat ones, foreign ones, young ones, 4/10s and worse.

Your best mate, your sister, your mum too if she’s a MILF. We’d cheat on you with every one of them in a heartbeat if we thought we could get away with it. And let’s not even start on ‘platonic’ female friends.

That doesn’t mean we’re incapable of exercising self-control. We do. Reluctantly. But just know that scarcely a second goes by when we’re not thinking about all the things we’d do if serendipity laid it out on a plate. During sex with our partner. While fapping. While listening to you chatter on the phone. All the time we’re thinking about doing all the things to all the girls.

What sort of things? You don’t wanna know. We don’t have feelings for other women – not usually. But make no mistake, we would dearly love to do to them the things we do to you – plus some other stuff we’d never subject you to because, perverse as it may sound, we respect you too much.

Spaghetti errwhere

In the words of Chris Rock, a man is only as faithful as his options.

There’s a reason why men are a head taller than their partners. Walking through town, it allows us to check out that pink-haired goth across the street while stealing glances at the tubby blonde three paces in front. She’s not as hot as you, but that doesn’t matter because she’s not you and that’s hot enough.

Sometimes, we wish it wasn’t hard-wired into us to crave variety. Life would be simpler if we could get the same thrill from our partner as we do from sleeping with strangers.

Men live for casual sex, only we don’t call it that because casual is a redundancy. Every liaison is casual because sex, to men, is as emotionally complex as ordering a pint.

Just because we stray – mentally all the time and physically when we can – doesn’t mean we don’t love you. When we say those three words, we honestly mean them. But we also mean the words we never say to your face: that we want to have sex with as many women as possible before we die. It’s nothing personal.

Waitresses, cleaning ladies and even our mates’ girlfriends. You’ve no idea how much it kills us not to stare at gorgeous women when you’re watching.

We thirsty

Why do we stray? We do it because we can, we do it for the thrill and we do it because, deep down, there’s a voice telling us that you’re probably doing the same. If we don’t cheat, you will, and when we find out we’ll be kicking ourselves for having spurned your slutty mate.

We wake up with a boner and we fall asleep with one. Don’t be surprised when we spend the hours in between trying to find a place to stick that boner.

Oh, and men who get with men? Some of them are gay but many are just greedy; horny guys trying to get their dick sucked any place they can. Given the choice, they’d rather take a vagina, but when push comes to tug, they’ll gladly take another human who’s just as thirsty.

Heresy and hard-ons

If you’re protesting that your boyfriend does no such things, you may be right. But bear this in mind:

There are two types of men in this world. Alphas go out and take whatever they want. Betas stay at home and fantasise about taking whatever they want.

Both have exactly the same urges. Cue it up for them and even betas won’t miss.

Sex, to men, is a business transaction, and not just the sort of sex that involves an exchange of hard currency. When appraising any deal, there are only two factors to take into account: risk and reward.

The reward is always the same: sex with a different vagina.

The risk is always the same, but its severity varies. When the risk of getting caught drops below a certain threshold, no man can resist. Piece first. Regret later.

I love you…and you and you

We don’t get married because we want to have sex with the same partner for the rest of our lives. We do it because it’s expected of us, and for a while, we even convince ourselves that it might last.

Spoiler: it doesn’t.

It never does. The marriage might stand the test of time but the fidelity will inevitably fall by the wayside.

So the next time you’re boasting about your perfect boyfriend, listen carefully and you might just hear the rest of mankind sniggering softly.

Men: they’re all dicks. And girls? Well they’re just as bad, but that’s another topic for another time.

For what it’s worth, girls, we don’t mean to be dicks, but it’s just in our nature. We are what we are what we are. Dicks, dicks, dicks.

Oh, and one other thing:

We really don’t like wearing condoms.

Dicks.

—★★★—

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